BAM.
The slap of all slaps in my face. It hurts more than any hit of my chin on floor boards ever could.
For a moment I don’t even know where to look anymore.
There was a time I’d wanted to be a father so badly. I whispered it to Paul during our last secret moment together. I told him I was saving every dollar for surrogacy. He didn’t say a word, but the smile and the stars in his eyes told me everything. After that, as if our wishes had already aligned, he gave me his necklace and asked me to marry him.
That was the night before my transfer.
That week they’d told us we’d only be apart for “three months.”
The next day, we were separated for good.
I wish I wasn’t here in this apartment.
I wish I wasn’t in Avalon.
I wish I was in the garden Paul landscaped around our house in Portland, teaching my four-year-old the basics of algebra.She’d be as academic as I am, but still want to plant flowers, because Paul would be her hero.
She. In my dreamworld, I have a daughter. I don't know why, I just see that whenever I close my eyes.
But I am here, and I have none of that.
And I love Tom, but I'm doing it again. Everything went to hell within minutes and I crawled back into the safety of a dream that never was. It makes me wonder if I ever loved Tom enough.
I force myself to look at him through my tears.
Yes, I do love him with all my heart and beyond. That’s why this is so hard. Why is this so hard?
I try to come off more indifferent than I feel.
“Yeah, Tom. Do what you gotta do.”
Hurtful words formed by so much hurt.
My eyes flick to my watch. I’m late, but not too late.
I make the hard decision to get up and walk to the door.
“Love!” Tom’s voice stops me. I turn. “Here are the keys to the Palm Oasis villa. You can stay there while construction is going on at your place.”
He tosses them. I step aside and let them hit the floor.
“Don’t worry about me,” I say. That’s all I can manage.
I grab the suitcase I threw earlier, and pull my coat off the back of the kitchen chair.
“Please, Love. Don’t do this.” Tears gather in his eyes. “Promise me we’ll be all right…”
I don’t want to make that promise, but my heart won’t let me say no. I force a weak smile and let my hand cup his jaw. I need to memorize it.
One last kiss. I can’t leave without it. His lips are like warm velvet against mine and we stay connected for a long moment. Just once more.
“Goodbye, Tom,” I whisper against his mouth. My voice doesn’t sound like mine, and I hate every bit of it.
I turn, and just like that, I walk out the door.
The suitcase rolls behind me.
