She laughed and said, “Have you been blind all these years? Luca and Alex are a thing.”
I dropped the screwdriver, and my jaw went with it. Calling me blind was too generous. Drunk and emotionally absent covered it better.
I had questions, of course, but I wasn’t foolish enough to ask them out loud. Like who the father of the baby was. That felt a bit too close to generational heritage.
After finishing the cradle, Effy took my hand and placed it on her belly.
She didn’t realize she was handing me my own heart in a coffin. The little thump under my hand was so small, so alive, so real. There it was, my baby’s baby.
I held back the tears. Barely. But the second I closed the door to my apartment, they flooded over my face. I didn’t even make it to the couch. I sank onto the floor in the hallway and stayed there, back against the door, sobbing like the mess I was.
It took me an hour to convince myself there was nothing wrong with calling Yosh.
I had this idea in my head that I was supposed to be strong for him and I didn’t want my shit adding more stress to him.
Healthy behaviour? Not really. But I still called him, telling myself it was just to hear someone whisper something soft in my ear. Nothing more.
Well… I cried, and I threw everything of the last twenty years out. It started with what really happened with Emily that night in the forest, and it ended with that little kick I’d just felt under my palm.
He let me talk without interrupting. No advice, no fixing. He made little sounds every now and then to let me know he was listening. A hum or a soft “mm” when I shared some of the more ugly parts.
At some point I realized he was also listening to how I was breathing. Every time I started to feel too much, he slowed his inhales on purpose, and made it loud enough for me to hear through the speaker. In. Out. In. Out.
He didn’t need to tell me to follow along. My body did it on its own. Stupid smart body.
I think I ran out of words after about an hour. At that point, I shared most of my life story. I had given him pieces of me over the last couple of months, but this was the extended version. Or perhaps the uncut version. However you like to name it.
He said he was glad I called. That I shouldn’t have gone through this alone. He explained me feeling Effy’s baby was a trigger for deep locked up pain to come to the surface. He said something like, your body is reacting because it remembers.
I’m not quite sure, but he said feeling all of this was okay. More than okay.
Knowing that calmed me, because I was feeling extremely overwhelmed by it.
After that, the exhaustion ran over me and I gradually dozed off on the floor.
Cold, uncomfortable.
Strangely enough, Yosh’s onyx pendant warmed my chest as if it were glowing. I swear that’s what I felt.
When the morning light broke through the curtains, I picked myself up from the hallway floor and started my day like nothing had happened. It felt almost nostalgic, since I’d done that for so many years when the silence was torturing me. But this time it was different. He was there, on the phone. He must’ve heard me waking up, because he whispered a soft good morning and asked if I was alright. He didn’t leave my side after I fell asleep.
That was exactly the kind of reassurance I needed from him. It made me believe that, even after this messy split, we’d be okay.
My mind was already drifting to Avalon, to the thought of us finding our way back to each other on the island that had become my new home.
Chapter fifty-nine
X
“Hey…”
“Hey.”
“Isn’t it early morning for you?”
“Yeah. Can’t sleep. My lower back’s killing me.”
“Try lying on your side with a pillow between your knees. It takes the pressure off your spine.”
