He folds his arms, waiting for a readable reaction. Too bad for him I don’t bite that easy. If he wants to see panic on my face, he’ll have to work harder for it.
I give him nothing. Not even a denial to say I don’t do that either.
Part of me hates that I don’t.
Yesterday, I almost gave in. He was flirting, teasing me, kissing that sensitive spot beneath my ear while the world around us went dark. And for a second, I almost threw my morals off the cliff with the rest of my good sense.
He made my rehearsed self feel useless in the best and worst way, and I wanted more of that. I wanted him.
The last couple of days have been rough, but yesterday finally brought him some sun, and he turned into an explosion of it. I didn’t want that sunshine to leave my space, so I hated it when the storm outside settled.
I shift into fifth gear and look to my right. Tom’s gazing out over the rolling hills ahead. It's only when his Clubmasters slip down his nose that I notice a hint of exhaustion in his eyes. He knows how to cover it up with that restless energy of his, but I notice it anyway.
“Did you sleep well?” I ask, breaking the quietness.
It pulls him from his thoughts.
“Yes… sorry. No, I…”
He exhales.
“No, I didn’t sleep well.”
“Was it the silence?”
He nods, taking off his sunglasses as he rubs his eyes.
“I don’t get it. I felt so good yesterday. For the first time in years, actually. But then last night, the silence came back, hitting me harder than ever. Maybe because I let my guard down, tryingto… I don't know…be present, focusing on something that makes me happy.”
I recognize the struggle in his voice. I've been there, and all I can offer is what I've learned along the way, hoping it'll help him somehow.
“It’s okay to feel like this. It's part of the process, trust me.”
He shrugs, I don't think he believes my words. That’s understandable. After so many years of fighting it, he sees no light at the end of the tunnel. In moments like these, it's important to shove my foot in the door.
“Change isn’t easy,” I continue. “The pain you carry has become part of you. It’s not about erasing it, it’s about discovering who you are beyond its grip. Now that things are changing, your mind is on high alert. That might be why you panicked the other day, and why a part of you is questioning if you deserve happiness. Does that sound familiar?”
“I hate to admit it, but it does,” he mutters, his eyes stubbornly fixed anywhere but on me.
“You're going to have good- and bad days. You've got to take them as they come. But promise me one thing, Tom.”
My eyes go from the road to the side of his face.
“Promise me you'll never feel guilty about being happy. No matter what that voice in your head whispers, no matter what anyone else might say, you're allowed to be happy. You're enough.”
As soon as the words escape my lips, I’m confronted with the embarrassing act of overkill. Fuck, too sentimental. It makes me cringe internally. My intention was to reassure him, but what came out was nothing more than a projection of my own insecurities.
He knows it, because a second later, his hand covers my arm, gently brushing my skin with his thumb. He doesn’t speak, buthe shows me those thousand rays of sunshine with just one simple smile.Reassuring me.
“That was inappropriate,” I whisper softly, pulling my hand from beneath his to shift into fourth gear.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, I appreciate you being this open with me, it means a lot.”
He settles back in his seat, closing his eyes.
“You know, Yosh, last week, when Jay and Cheryl sent me off at Arcadia, I swear to God, it felt like my parents were dumping me at daycare. Like, ‘Here, he’s your problem now.’”
