My head’s full of noise, anger, and doubts I’d rather not entertain. But I do. And I hate that I do.
Yosh wouldn’t use me. He couldn’t.
Except…he did bring up that position. He did take me from Erin, and he’s never really said why.
Maybe I’m just a challenge to him. A name that gets him ahead.
God, how stupid would that make me? Falling for someone who’s playing me like a fucking strategy.
Karma.
He should’ve told me.
He should’ve said something.
If there was nothing to hide, then why the silence? Why does he shut down every time it gets personal?
I clench my fists under the table.
The anger makes it easier to believe I’ve been played. Easier than admitting I might’ve let someone in who never really saw me at all.
And maybe that’s the worst part.
Not that he lied, but that I’ve given him all of me.
Chapter twenty-five
Yosh
The water from the shower beats down on my shoulders like sharp needles.
I lean my full weight against the metal rod, forehead pressed against the cool tiles as my legs tremble beneath me. They’re not just tired. They’re done.
I’ve already scrubbed myself five times. Maybe six.
There were streaks of blood down my arms, dried patches on my neck. A faint smear on my cheek I hadn’t noticed until I got back to Arcadia.
I wash again.
And again.
My hands are dry and cracked, my nail beds bleeding. The soap stings now, but I keep going.
I know I’m clean. I know it.
There’s nothing left to see, but every time I close my eyes, it still feels like I’m covered in blood.
The images come back in flashes. Patients being triaged. The cries of families. The chaos of the E.R.
A mother screaming her daughter’s name.
She was on my table.
She died.
We couldn’t save her.
I couldn’t save her.
