“That’s why I have a goat.” He gives a firm nod. Like that explanation should be enough.
“Because I said I wouldn’t marry you?” I ask.
As if Skip senses my discomfort, he makes a jumping move, so I scoop him up into my lap. I reach out a hand, expecting Lou to come bump it with her hand, but instead, she walks over to Max and puts her head on his knee.
Without seeming to notice he’s doing it, Max strokes his hand over her head.
“You wouldn’t marry me because you think I can’t handle how messy your life is. But now my life is just as messy. And when I said I didn’t mean to fuck you, what I actually meant was that I meant to explain all of that first. Because when I said I needed you more than once, I meant it.”
Almost absentmindedly, he reaches over and wiggles the bit of cloth until it pulls free from Bubble’s mouth. She makes a bleating noise and then settles beside him, tucking her legs under her body and chewing contentedly on red puzzle pieces. There’s a piece stuck to her lips, and when she blows out in a huff, it flies free and lands on his knee.
He stares at the puzzle piece for a second, but when he reaches for it, Lou bumps her head against his palm again and he goes back to petting her. He doesn’t even stop to flick the puzzle piece off his leg.
Instead, he just looks at me and says, “So if my life is as messy as yours, then you have no reason not to marry me. And then our lives can be messy together.”
My heart swells, because this guy . . . oh, man, this guy just won me over. Forever. And he better be serious. He better love me. Or just be willing to fake it for the rest of my life. Because this moment right here, when he let himself be bullied by my dog, is the moment I become a goner forever.
“Let me see if I’ve got this right. You bought a goat to prove to me that you can handle messiness?”
“Rescued,” he corrects. “I rescued a goat. Because apparently her previous owner didn’t know that miniature silky fainting goats actually faint.”
“Why a goat?”
He shrugs. “They didn’t have any Flemish giant rabbits. And I didn’t think a dog would cut it. They had an iguana.” His gaze meets mine. “Do I need to go back and get him too?”
I shake my head. “No.” I lean forward, bracing my elbows on my knees. And as much as I want to just jump in with both feet, I can’t. Because I need to know—really know—that he knows what he’s getting into. And I need to be honest—with myself and with him—about what I need. “But I have to be honest here. I think I was wrong when I said I couldn’t marry you because my life is messy. The real reason I said no is because I can’t be in another marriage with a man who wants a smart, professional wife but gets a hot mess. I need to be with someone who loves me. Who loves me for me. Who loves the me who’s a good speaker and can help you pick out a suit, but also the me who rescues animals and volunteers on the other side of town. With Clive I always felt like I was hiding who I really was. I can’t do that again. If you don’t think that someday you’ll be able to love me like that, then this isn’t going to work.”
Max stares at me for a long minute and then shakes his head. “I don’t think I’ll be able to love you like that someday.”
I stand, clutching Skip to my chest so tightly he yelps and struggles to get free.
“Wait,” Max says, standing too.
Before I can bolt for the door, he’s right in front of me again, “What I meant was—”
He cuts himself off and stares at me for a long second. Then he pulls me to him, one hand on my jaw, the other on the back of my head, and he kisses me.
This kiss isn’t sweet or reverent. Even though he can’t pull me flush against him because Skip is still in my arms, it’s deep and long and fierce. Like he’s trying to pour words into me through the kiss. Then, abruptly, it’s over. He drops his hands back to his side and steps away.
“Fuck,” he curses. “I’m no good at this. What I meant was that I don’t think I’ll eventually love you someday, because I love you now. I know you think you annoy people. Like grit in the bottom of someone’s shoe. I know what that feels like.”
Hearing his words, I feel like I can’t breathe. My heart is racing and maybe I’m having a heart attack, because he loves me? But also … “You think I’m as irritating as grit in your shoe?”
“No. I know what it feels like to be grit in people’s shoes. If anyone knows what it’s like to irritate people, it’s me. I annoy everyone. If you’re grit, then I’m bigger grit. If you’re willing to put up with all my annoying quirks, I can definitely put up with yours. All my life, I’ve been waiting for someone who made me believe that I fit with them. It’s like, if you have a single protozoan in a soil sample in a petri dish and you keep it cold enough, it’ll hibernate and survive, but it can’t live like that. That lone protozoan can’t survive on its own. Not forever. It needs other protozoan and fungi and bacteria and microbes. It needs a whole ecosystem. Otherwise it’s starving to death. I’ve been that lone protozoan. I wasn’t living. Before you, I was just hibernating. But you’re my fungus.”
My breath catches. Because I think I know what he means. But I don’t say anything, because I need to hear him say it.
“You are the other part of the ecosystem that I need to survive,” he says. “You and your pets. And my pet. And whatever kids we can have, whenever we can have them. All of us together will be our own ecosystem. If you aren’t ready, I can wait for someday. I waited my whole life for you. I didn’t do all of this, I didn’t steal your pets, and get a goat, and step in rabbit shit without being sure I wanted you. I can wait if you need more time, but I want younow.”
I drop Skip and launch myself at him. Because if he stepped in rabbit shit and still wants me, then it must be love.
Epilogue
Max
Iget home later than I meant to. I don’t like working late, especially now, but Priya is defending her dissertation next week and needed help.
The house is nearly silent when I let myself in. Iago is snoring softly in his cage in the corner of the living room. The rustling coming from the kitchen means Holly has already crated the dogs for the night. I leave my shoes and briefcase by the front door and head down the hall to the bedroom.
