Lots of those women, and some of the men, were hot, but I was never really tempted. Sure, there’d be a flash of desire, because despite what my brothers think, I’m not a Buddhist monk. I still look at women and want them. But so far, that’s never persisted. I’ve never been even remotely tempted to cross that line.
This girl, though? This fucking girl drives me insane. I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s reaching the stage where every moment away from her feels wasted. I can’t focus when she’s around because I’m too busy looking at her, and I can’t focus when she’s not around, because I’m wondering what she’s doing, and planning when I’ll get to see her again. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
Admittedly, I’m not very experienced—not in relationships, anyway. I’ve only had one, and that was with Yasmin. After that there were a few others that came close, but nobody special.
Sex, sure. I’ve lost count of the number of women I’ve fucked. But this thing with Ellie isn’t just sex. It isn’t just fucking, despite the persistent boner.
I need to think this through. I don’t want to mess her around. Our friendship is one of the best things in my whole life, and now I can’t imagine my world without her in it. It’s a lot to jeopardize just because of my errant dick.
I take a freezing cold shower, go for a run, then take another freezing cold shower. That just about deals with the physical side of things, and it helps a little with the mental side of things, too.
I love Ellie, I’m just not sure how. And I’m being a douchebag by cutting her out of this equation. This is not just my decision. What an arrogant fucknugget I am to sit around wondering if I should deign to have sex with my friend or not, without even making sureshewants that.
I think about my brothers, and the way they treat their partners. With respect. They cherish them and treasure them, talk to them about everything. They’re proud to be seen with them, show them off, view them as their other halves. Their lives are completely mingled. They didn’t get all of that by sitting around yearning.
I should ask her out, I decide. Press reset. Be honest with her. Tell her the way I feel. I won’t pressure her though, or make it a deal-breaker, but I should at least try. It could well be that I’m now so well and truly friend-zoned that she won’t even be interested in me and my poor frustrated dick. Then I can save myself any more soul searching.
Fuck, I’m so pathetic I’m even irritating myself.
I have the event tonight. It’s a launch party for what is sure to become one of the best restaurants in the city. I’ve been invited because I’m a James. I have no illusions about that, but I also know that it will be a good opportunity. The great and the good from the food scene of New York will be there, as well as someof the smaller independents who form the supply chain. It might look and sound like a glamorous event, but I’m also hoping I can network and build some of my own contacts. I’m more likely to be tucked away in a corner talking to a market gardener about his asparagus season than partying, but still, it should be fun. There’ll be drinks and dancing and famous people. It’s the kind of event my brothers would take their partners to. I think Mason mentioned he’d bring King, if he was home in time.
Fuck it. I’m going to ask Ellie to come with me. Not as my friend, but as my date. I’ll pick her up in a limo, wear a suit, and show her that I haven’t forgotten how this whole dating thing works. Not because I expect anything from her, but because I fucking love being around her, and I know that I will ultimately regret never taking a chance, even if she shoots me down in flames.
I pick up my cell phone and try not to feel nervous as I find Ellie the Magnificent and Awesome in my now slightly bigger contacts list.
What do I have to lose? My self-esteem? No big deal. My best friend? Much more of a risk. But I’m sure our relationship can survive…right?
Too late now because she answers right away, and the sound of her voice makes me smile. It soothes every single frayed nerve in my body, while simultaneously making my heart race with excitement.
“Hey,” she says, unusually quiet.
“Hey back at you. How are you doing?”
“Since I last saw you, this morning?”
Fuck, my palms are sweaty. Nerves are back. “Uh, yeah. Any big developments?”
She’d normally laugh at that, but she doesn’t. Maybe she’s tired. I know she didn’t get much rest either. “I’m okay, I’m justin the office. I have so much work to catch up on. The new app launches soon.”
Right. The fitness app she’s been working on. The project means a lot to her, and I respect how committed she is to her job. She sounds busy, distracted, and maybe this isn’t a good time. But maybe there won’t ever be a good time.
“Okay, I won’t keep you too long. I was just hoping that you’d, um, do me the honor of being my, ah, date, tonight? If I could have the privilege of escorting you?”Jesus fuck! When did I turn into a Victorian gent? “I mean, do you want to come to the party at Ellroys with me?”
She’s silent, and that’s not like her. For a start, I just gave her some great ammo for absolutely ripping the shit out of me. Instead, she mumbles something so quietly I ask her to repeat herself. Damn. This is not going well. Definitely not how I hoped it would. “What was that, Ellie, I can’t quite hear you?”
“I said I’m sorry, Maddox, but I can’t.”
I wait for the follow up. For Ellie to do what she’d normally would and tell me why—a girls’ night with Katy, a Pilates marathon, work, washing her hair, whatever the fuck.
She doesn’t. She just leaves me hanging. My heart feels like it plummets to my fucking ankles.
“Oh. Yeah. Right. Okay, see you soon?” Another one of those weird pauses. What the fuck?
“Bye, Mad,” she says softly, a sadness in her voice that almost breaks me. Fuck the party, I want to go to the Jamestech office and see her right now so I can find out what’s wrong.
Shit. There I go, being arrogant again. Why would she want that? She’s probably seen too much of me. It’s got to be that. It can’t be the actual party, because I know she enjoys them.
A deep ache gnaws its way through my chest. Things between us have been going so well. She’s my best friend. We do almost everything together. So why is she standing me up?
