He leans forward, resting his hand on my knee. “If she’s half the woman I think she is, she won’t, but nobody can predict that. And at the end of the day, her opinion isn’t the most important. It really doesn’t matter if I, or Lorenzo, or even Ellie, think what you did was the right thing—which, by the way, I one hundred percent do. All that matters is what you think. That you can look yourself in the mirror every single day and know that you did what you had to do.”
I grind my jaw. It took me many years to be able to look in the mirror without seeing the blood-streaked face of a monster staring back at me. It’s one of the reasons I lost myself. Taking a life isn’t something I ever thought I’d do, and I think about it every single day. I wonder about myself every single day. I battle myself every single day. But despite all of that, there is not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing. “I know,” I sigh out. “And yes. I still do think it was the right thing. It needed to happen.”
He nods. “Good. Then Ellie will understand that too, and not just because her family are the mob. I don’t know her story, but I do know part of Keres’s. She makes Lorenzo look like a pussycat. This is the woman who is now Ellie’s mom, and who Ellie loves. I’m guessing she has a high tolerance for difficult moral situations.” He smiles at me. “And if Ellie can’t accept that part of you, then…” he doesn’t finish that sentence. He doesn’t have to.
One of the most difficult challenges I’ve faced since getting clean is accepting myself. I’ve had to work hard, to expand my mind, to give myself the chance to grow and thrive. It hasn’t always been easy, and now I have to do this. Sit down with EllieMadison and tell her not only that I’m a murderer. But that I can’t even say that I fucking regret being one.
It’s terrifying, but Nathan is right. We can’t move on with this secret lying between us. I can’t keep such a big part of myself hidden from her. I realize now it was something I was always going to have to tell her one day, and her being Lorenzo’s niece has simply moved it up the agenda.
I get up, hug my brother. He holds on to me tight and then lets me go. His eyes roam my face, revealing that he’s worried. Not about what Lorenzo might say, or what Ellie might think, but about me. How I’m going to react to this pressure.
“Thanks bro,” I tell him. “I have a lot of thinking to do. And a lot of talking. But first I’m going to go to a meeting and take a beat.”
“You’re a good man,” he replies before wrapping me in a hug. “Probably the best man I know.”
Given how highly he thinks of my brothers, and what incredible men they are, that means a hell of a lot. “Thanks, Nate.”
He claps me on the back. “Anytime. I’m always here for you.”
He always has been. I just hope I’m not back here in his office tomorrow morning, crying into my matcha and spiraling out of control because I lost the woman I love more than anything else in this whole damn world.
Chapter 31
Maddox
Her eyes are filled with tears when she opens the door, and I immediately feel like such a jackass for making her worry. I abandoned her in Chicago, skipped out on her family, and didn’t even explain myself. She has every right to be upset, not to mention angry. I called her last night, told her that I loved and missed her, and that I’d be here on her doorstep as soon as she was ready to speak to me. She messaged me as soon as she got home. Now here I am.
“Maddox. Are you okay?”
She isn’t angry. Despite everything I’ve put her through over the last two days, her first thought is for me. She is fucking amazing, and even if this is the last time I see her, I cannot regret what we’ve had together.
As soon as we’re inside her apartment, I pull her into my arms and kiss away the tears that spill down her cheeks. “Yeah, baby. I’m so sorry if I worried you.”
“You rushed out so fast.” She sniffs, burying her head against my chest. “I was so worried about you, and you were so distant on the phone. I had no idea what was going on.”
Shit. She must have been driving herself crazy with worry. I was too wrapped up in my own shit to think about how hurt she must have been when I left with no explanation. I was lost without her here, but I did what I had to do so I’d be in the right frame of mind for this conversation.
After I spoke with Nathan I went to a meeting. I talked to my sponsor, Pat. I spent time with people I trust with my dark side. Obviously, they don’t know the whole fucked-up version of my past, but they’re the safe space I needed to process some of this. To prepare myself for this, for the real risk that I could lose her. “I’m sorry, El. I was an insensitive jackass.”
“I know that my family are a lot?—”
“No, baby,” I stop her right there, cupping her face in my hands. “This was nothing to do with who you are, or your family. It was about who I am.”
She blinks at me, her huge blue eyes shining. “What do you mean?”
“I have something I need to tell you, and to be honest baby, I’m really not looking forward to it.”
She frowns, running her hands over my shoulders, her touch soothing me. “Whatever it is, Mad, I can deal with it. You won’t break us, okay?”
Fuck, I hope that’s true. But even if it isn’t, it has to be done. For both our sakes.
“I did something, a long time ago. Something that your Uncle Lorenzo helped me out with.” I see the confusion flicker across her face. She must know the truth of who her uncle is and what he does? And now she must be wondering how the hell her boyfriend’s life intersected with his. “I should have told you anyway and I would have one day, I swear. But…” I blow out a breath. “The truth is, it might change everything, Ellie.”
I recall every time she’s spoken about the things she likes about me—my kind soul, my good heart. Now she’s about tolearn the full fucking story. She’s about to meet the real Maddox James.
“Change everything how? You’re freaking me out, Mad. What is it?”
“Can we sit down?”
