None of this was really my secret to tell, but I knew I could trust her.
“Remember last month, at the farmers’ market, you asked me about being a dad?”
“Yeah,” she replied sheepishly.
“Well, I wasn’t truthful with you, and, for that, I’m sorry. Hannah and I got married in college, but it’s not what you think.”
The words felt like a tangled mess. Where to start? How much to say?
“You have to understand how important Hannah was to me at the time. Her family—the Prices—basically took me under their wings. You probably heard the rumors back in school, but my mother died when I was young and I never knew my father.” I swallowed that old, familiar hurt and made myself say the rest. “My aunt moved us to Kirby Falls when I was in middle school, and she didn’t—she wasn’t capable of giving me a homelife like kids should have. The Prices lived next door, and they welcomed me. Hannah was my first real friend.”
Hesitating, I wondered what to say next.
Candace’s hand slipped into mine. When she squeezed gently, I realized I’d been silent too long.
Tilting my head, I met her gaze—patient, kind, and completely open. “But in college, we grew apart. By junior year, I hardly saw her. She came to me then because she needed help. She—she got pregnant, and the father of the baby didn’t want her to keep it. Hannah knew how her parents would react to a child born out of wedlock, so she asked me to help her.”
Candace’s lips parted in surprise.
“So I married her,” I admitted. “We got special married housing on campus, and I stayed with the baby so Hannah could finish up her final semester and graduate. Then we moved back to Kirby Falls. I bought this house with the money I’d saved for school. She got a job teaching at the elementary school. Things worked for a while.”
That might have been an exaggeration, but, at the time, it had felt true enough. I didn’t love Hannah romantically, but she was my friend. And we had Lyndsey.
“I always meant to go back and finish my degree, but I got my job at the orchard. I was happy there.”
While that was accurate, it wasn’t the whole reason. Truthfully, I got caught up in my fake marriage and my fake life. And then later, after it all went wrong, I was all alone, missing a kid that wasn’t even mine.
Those early days back in Kirby Falls had been about performing, showing off our young family. There had been constant dinners with Reverend and Mrs. Price. Church picnics where everyone wanted to see Lyndsey and hold her.
It was like college had never happened. Everything revolved around the Prices. My entire world was back to the limited view I’d had as an adolescent, but instead of Hannah being my young savior, I’d been hers. I played the role of a loving husband; there was no part of being Lyndsey’s father, though, that I had to fake.
Another squeeze of my hand brought me back to myself. I looked down to where Candace’s fingers wrapped around mine and told her the rest.
“Lyndsey was just over a year old when Hannah told me she wanted a divorce. She’d been dating someone she met online, and she was leaving to be with him. They’re married now. Live in Tennessee, outside of Nashville.”
“She just . . . took the baby?” she asked, disbelief coloring her tone.
“Yeah. Hannah thought a clean break would be best. Lyndsey was too small to remember me.” Saying those words were just as terrible as thinking them. Knowing they were true was a different kind of wound.
Candace was quiet for long moments while I wrestled with my emotions.
We just sat there, the truth heavy between us, her hand firmly holding mine. Finally, she said, “I don’t understand. What was the plan long-term? You were just going to stay married to Hannah? Sacrifice your own future and happiness? Or did you—did you love her?”
I shook my head and met her gaze. “No. We didn’t ever really get that far. We weren’t married long, and so much of that time was spent surviving with a newborn. Maybe, eventually, we would have discussed the future...” As my voice trailed off, I thought about the reason why we’d probably never gotten tothat point. “Right after Lyndsey was born, Hannah tried to kiss me. I was gentle with her but told her no. She was my best friend, but I didn’t love her like that. She played it off like it was fine, just hormones. But looking back, I don’t know.”
Part of me thought that was the beginning of the end. Once Hannah realized we’d never be a family in truth, she’d gone out and looked for a better option. I guess she’d found it.
Candace made a sympathetic sound. “Then not long after, she said she was seeing someone else?”
“I couldn’t give her what she was looking for,” I admitted, feeling that old familiar shame rise up. Maybe if I’d just tried, kissed her back, it would have made our marriage real. Maybe someday I could have loved her. Maybe I’d still have Lyndsey if?—
“You gave up your whole life, Mark,” Candace said, her voice sharp enough that it pulled me out of my regrets. “You shouldn’t have had to give her your heart, too.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
Candace added, “I’m sorry for what you lost. And I’m sorry you were ever put into that position in the first place. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right.”
I felt my brows furrow. “It wasn’t like that, Candace. I don’t—I’m not mad?—”
