When our breathing finally evened, and Candace’s skin pebbled from cold, we cleaned up and climbed into bed, still touching, always touching.
I woke when it was dark but still early. We were in the same positions we’d gone to sleep in. I was flat on my back with Candace tucked into my side, her head resting on my shoulder and her cold feet nestled beneath my legs.
A moment later I realized what had woken me. I’d heard Candace mumble in her sleep a few times before. Mostly it was indecipherable, but occasionally there were a few words I could pick out. One time she’d said, “Bubble gum snow cone,” and I’d been quietly amused, smiling into the dark of my bedroom before drifting off again beside her.
But I wasn’t smiling now.
Candace repeated her quiet admission three more times before she released a deep breath and rolled over.
Love you. Love you. Love you.
As I watched the steady rise and fall of her back—clad in one of my tee shirts—I couldn’t help but want to hear her say it again when she was awake. But then the reminder of a slim silver laptop stole into mind. The job listings. Her intent to leave Kirby Falls...and me behind in just a few short weeks.
I couldn’t ignore the fact that whatever she was dreaming right now didn’t match what she wanted in the light of day.
Eventually, I climbed out of bed, too restless to settle.
It was a few hours later when I heard her alarm go off. I’d already set my mug down on the kitchen table, prepared to go back in there and shake her awake, maybe bring her a cup of coffee too. Let the sharp scent do what the blaring alarm couldn’t, but before I could rise, the sound switched off.
A few minutes later, I heard the door to the bathroom close, and I figured she was up and not passed back out again.
Enough time went by that most of my coffee was gone and I’d gotten lost in my own thoughts when I noticed Candace enter the room from the hallway.
My mug hit the table with a graceless thunk, and my mouth dropped open in shock.
This time, Candace wasn’t standing naked in my kitchen, in only my wool socks. Shewaswearing my clothes though. Candace stood at the threshold in a black hoodie I hadn’t seen in over seven years.
“Why— How?” I stammered. “I didn’t think you even remembered.”
She slowly approached, a secret little smile turning up the corners of her kiss-swollen lips. “I remembered, once I placed you as Mark and not Mercer. I found an old yearbook the day after we were reintroduced. It all came flooding back when I could put your face with your name.”
“And you kept it?”
Candace took the seat next to me, her bare knee pressed to mine. “I did. I brought it to school every day leading up to graduation, with the intention of returning it and thanking you. You were so sweet to help me the way you did. Not many teenage boys could handle talking to a girl about her period, but you kept me from embarrassing myself. I was grateful, Mark.”
I remembered that day. Of course, I did. I’d been a nervous wreck trying to get the words out, to speak loud enough for the object of my very one-sided crush to hear.
“When I didn’t see you before I left town that summer, the hoodie came with me. Made the move from dorm room to dorm room, and eventually apartment to apartment. It was comfortable and cozy and it reminded me of home.”
Shaking my head in disbelief, I muttered, “Teenage Mark can die happy.”
Candace laughed. “Would you like it back?”
The question, so innocent and teasing, had me going quiet suddenly. Did I want this piece of me back? One that was more hers now than it had ever been mine.
Part of me wanted to smile and shake my head.You already stole my fucking heart, what’s an old hoodie?
But the bigger part—the one who’d replaced a crush with the real thing—couldn’t manage it. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t love her and watch her leave. I didn’t know how to protect myself because the damage was already done. She’d just dealt the final blow with a black hoodie.
As I remained quiet, I watched concern crease her dark brows.
My hands shook, so I clasped them together on the wooden tabletop. “I don’t think I can do this anymore, Candace. Be casual or temporary or whatever the fuck we are.”
I didn’t say,I can’t sleep from wanting you. I can’t lie beside you one more second knowing you can’t be mine. I’m in too deep. It’s not the same as having your body. I want your heart too.
I’d been cowardly these last few weeks. She hadn’t mentioned applying for jobs or interviewing, and I didn’t want to push. Afraid that the reminder of how temporary everything was might put an end to us sooner.
It had been a mistake to let myself fall deeper into the fantasy. I could see that now.
