Confused, I returned her hug. And sure enough, when I pulled back, the older woman had a covered dish in her hand that smelled like deep-fried heaven. “Thank you. I look forward to having some. Make yourself at home. I’m so glad to see you.”
“I left your other present outside,” she said. “But it’s up to you if you want to return it or not. I wouldn’t blame you.”
My stomach gave a nervous clench at the implication. Jack was here for me. I could only imagine what sort of courage that took. He was a pretty self-contained, isolated guy. Not terribly social, especially not with people he didn’t know. This was Christmas Eve with my family, and there were probably twenty cars parked outside in the field. Whatever he needed to say, it must be important.
My hopes started a slow and steady rise to the surface. But like I’d told Mac, I couldn’t make this decision for him. I wouldn’t fight this fight alone. Not anymore. Relationships went both ways. Not one person stitching things together, mending holes and seams just to keep everything from falling apart.
I loved Jack. I wanted to tell him that. I wanted a future with him, too. But if he still thought I was better off with Danny, then there wasn’t much I could do about that.
After a few seconds, I realized Jack wasn’t planning on trailing the others. So I made my way toward the back door and pulled my jacket off the coatrack as I went.
He had his hand raised to knock when I opened the door. Surprise flashed on his face, light from the hallway behind me illuminating wide hazel eyes and jaw scruff that was just shy of being a beard. He wore his favorite black leather jacket that I knew felt butter-soft beneath my fingertips.
“Hi,” I breathed.
“Hey,” he replied softly. “I was hoping we could talk.”
So I nodded and stepped out into the cold air and shut the door behind me.
I led Jack over to a pair of rocking chairs on the edge of the porch. The night was clear and the moon was bright. Out here, away from the city lights, the stars sparkled, shimmering within a velvet black backdrop. You could see across the barren cornfields all the way to the tree line in the distance. Beyond that, mountains rose from the earth, cocooning our small valley like dark sentinels.
“I’m sorry for just showing up here like this. I know how important this time is with your family. But I just—” He paused and reached for my hand. “I just couldn’t wait. I remembered what you said about Christmas Eve. The magic. The possibility. And I realized I wanted that ... with you. If there was a chance I could fix what I’d broken, I thought tonight might be my best bet.”
I smiled down at our clasped hands, barely noticing the chill in the air. My heart was beating wildly, and I could feel it too—the magic, the possibility, the hope of it all.
Jack squeezed my fingers, drawing my attention back to him. He watched me carefully, like I might leave at any moment, like I might not be willing to hear him out.
“I’m sorry for the things I said the last time we spoke, Bonnie. I tried to push you away. Did my best to hurt you so that I wouldn’t disappoint you in the long run. And I fucking hate that I keep having to apologize. That I even need to say I’m sorry in the first place.”
“I wouldn’t say two times is a lot, Jack.”
His brows pulled low. “No. I—I don’t want me fucking up and then having to apologize for it to turn out to be a regular thing with us.”
A regular thing with us.
Like we were a foregone conclusion. Inevitable.
“Well, I do,” I argued.
Jack blinked.
“People make mistakes all the time,” I explained. “I’d rather have your apology than your apathy. If you’re so determined to compare yourself to my ex-husband, how about this? Danny never apologized after we fought or disagreed. He’d give me the silent treatment or make passive-aggressive remarks, sigh or roll his eyes. And then, just like that, he’d act like nothing ever happened. Like it was all fine. Completely normal to ignore your wife for days on end and eat dinner at your parents’ house instead of at home. To come in late so I’d already be in bed and then wake up early to avoid me in the morning too.”
I took a slow breath to steady myself, and Jack squeezed my hand between both of his. “I’d rather you acknowledge that you made a mistake than pretend it never happened. It shows you care and accept responsibility, and mean to do better. That’s all any of us can hope for.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I was so scared of losing you—of you realizing that I’m not enough—that it seemed simpler to push you away first. I didn’t want to be the person standing in your way, keeping you from what you really wanted. Even if that was your old life. I hated the idea of you fitting yourself back inside your past, making yourself small and twisting yourself up. But I didn’t want to hold you back either. All the things I love about you—your goodness and loyalty and devotion—were things I respected. More than that, they left me in awe. I’ve hardly known dedication like yours in my own life.But to you, it’s as natural as breathing. That’s just who you are, deep down. You love and you love hard. I wanted that so badly. I just wasn’t sure how to trust it.”
For a long time, I’d been trying to figure out a way to let Jack know he was safe with me. That I’d protect his heart, if only he’d let me.
“So what happened? What made you come here?” I prompted.
“I had a conversation with Lia about my parents and all the baggage I’ve been carrying around with me. How I’ve let those things impact my decisions, my fears, and my relationship with you. I realized it’s okay to be a little scared.”
I smiled at the advice he’d given me and that I’d given him right back.
“Being scared doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” Jack explained. “Because I do. And it doesn’t mean I’m not ready to be in a relationship with you. Because I am. We already were. It was real, Clyde. All of it. For months. It was neverjustabout sex.”
“I know.”
