The next day she got the train back to London after a scrumptious roast chicken prepared by Matt, her tummy full of good food and feeling as though the country air had blasted the cobwebs of London right out of her lungs.
As she let herself into the flat, she found Alex on the sofa, as predicted, watching an episode ofGame of Thrones. He pressed pause as she came in, asking her a few cursory questions about her weekend, but she found herself unwilling to go into detail about what he had missed out on. She kept her answers short, went into the bedroom and unpacked; she didn’t ask him about work or what he had been up to.
The next week passed in a blur of meetings, another pitch for a big campaign was on the horizon for Lucy, this time for a new brand of kitchen roll that was being launched. At the same time she was working on the new social enterprise project that Jack and Sharon were leading, so any spare time she might have had had disappeared. Alex and Lucy passed like ships in the night; she was working later and later as the pitch drew nearer, pulling the usual all-nighters as the deadline approached. Her feelings of unease grew but she slammed them to the side of her mind, focusing on work and ignoring the unspoken truth that was dawning on her, that something was really, very wrong. As soon as the pitch was over she decided that she would confront him that weekend, knowing that she couldn’t put it off any longer. They needed to talk.
That Saturday morning Alex volunteered to go to the shops to buy some supplies for the weekend. While he was gone Lucy sat on the sofa trying to summon up the courage to confront him, suddenly feeling sick. Her stomach was literally churning with unease. She was so fed up with this deep, innate sense of disquiet that had been lurking within her for weeks and before she knew it tears had begun to roll slowly down her cheeks. She didn’t even wipe them away. She knew she should busy herself with some task that might help snap her out of this mood but she couldn’t summon the energy. She just sat there and let the tears fall, swollen with a sense of foreboding.
She was still sitting there when Alex got back an hour or so later, plonking the shopping bags on the kitchen table and asking her what time she wanted to eat. When he realized that she hadn’t answered he turned to face her. Noticing her tears, Alex visibly paled. He came over to her and sat next to her on the sofa, saying, ‘Luce, what is it?’ and putting his arm around her.
Taking a deep breath and turning to face him, she whispered, ‘Something’s wrong, isn’t it Alex? Something is wrong between us…’ Alex didn’t move, he just sat there, holding her hand quietly. ‘Talk to me, Alex,please. I can’t bear this silence any longer. You are always pussyfooting around me, avoiding any meaningful conversation, working all the bloody time. What is going on?’ she said, feeling her voice tremble as she spoke.
Alex sat still for a long time, looking at his hand holding hers. He took a deep breath and slowly began to nod his head, ‘I think you might be right, Luce.’
The second she heard those words she knew that the fears she had barely allowed herself to contemplate, were somehow, unthinkably true. A sense of total and utter panic rose up her throat; she felt the sense of security and happiness that had wrapped around her like a safety blanket for the last year slip through her fingers.
‘I didn’t know how to bring it up, what with the holiday and everything. It seemed so cruel.’ He looked at her with eyes pleading for forgiveness. ‘I don’t know what to say,’ he said. ‘Things have been really hard recently, you must admit. I feel like we’ve been growing apart.’
She couldn’t believe her ears. Suddenly furious, she shouted, ‘NO!’ her voice hoarse with bitter despair. ‘Youcannotdo this to me, Alex. No, no,no… you can’t.’ Her body felt completely numb with shock, panic rose up her throat, choking her. ‘What the hell do you mean, growing apart?’ Lucy shouted, hating him for lying to her, misleading her when he was feeling like this. She felt as though he had given up without even the slightest fight. Surely their relationship meant more to him than that?
‘I can’t really explain it, Luce. Maybe it’s me. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, trying so hard to make it work between us, trying so hard to see a future. And I did, I swear. I really did, for the first six months of our relationship I couldn’t get enough of you. I loved you so much… I was sure that it was forever.’
‘Youlovedme so much? You’re telling me that you don’t even love me anymore?! Well thanks a lot for beingso kindas to let me know,’ Lucy shouted bitterly. ‘What a pathetic fool you must think I am.’
‘No, Lucy, you don’t understand. I do love you. I do. Of course I do. Look at me,’ Alex said, his eyes full of tears, his brow creased in deep, anguished furrows. ‘Do I look like this is easy for me? Can’t you see how upset I am to hurt you?’
‘If you really do love me Alex then why are you telling me you don’t see a future for us?’ she said, hot tears dampening her cheeks.
‘I just don’t know if it’s enough,’ he said quietly. ‘I don’t love you enough.’
Those words were the final nails that hammered into her heart; she broke down into hysterical sobs, her whole body shaking. He tried to put his arms around her but she shrugged him off. He tried again and she hit him, shoving and pushing him away from her with all her strength.
‘Just get off me!’ she wailed.
He kept on apologizing over and over again but there was nothing he could do to comfort her. She kept repeating ‘No!’ She felt totally unable to accept what he had said. The happy future she had dreamt of, the children they would have had together, everything she had waited her whole life for; it was all dissolving before her eyes.
Suddenly remembering the ring, she lifted her head, still staring directly at the wall in front of her; she wiped her tears from her cheeks and whispered, ‘The ring.’
‘What?’ Alex said.
‘I found the ring… I was clearing out the cupboard, the golf bag… I thought you were going to propose. The whole time we were in Sicily I kept thinking, any minute now.’ Shaking her head in disbelief, she slowly turned to face him, she felt nauseous to see the look of guilt and pity on his face. ‘How could you? Look at what you’ve done to me!’ she cried, her eyes were so swollen she could barely see out of them.
‘I did buy a ring, Luce,’ Alex admitted. ‘ I bought it a couple of months ago. It’s been sitting there, burning a massive hole in my conscience, ever since. I thought that I was just freaking out, that I was nervous of making the final commitment, of actually getting married. I knew how much you wanted it, how much our families wanted it, our friends. I thought I was just too chicken to go through with it and that I needed to man up. I tried to do it, Luce, I promise, but when it came down to it, I just knew it wouldn’t be fair on you. You deserve someone who has no doubts; you deserve someone who can make you totally happy.’
‘But youdomake me happy. That’s the problem,’ Lucy said, her throat burning with emotion, her heart breaking into tiny pieces. ‘I choseyou. I loveyou. I want to marryyou…’
‘I know you do. I’m so sorry, Luce, it’s just not right. I can’t do it. I just can’t…’ he trailed off, unable to say anything more. There was nothing left to say, just pain. Pain like Lucy had never known, never even imagined possible. It was as if someone had ripped out her heart. Stabbing pains were ripping through her, that feeling of dread, of your worst nightmare coming true in front of your very eyes. She was utterly powerless.
‘What will I do?’ she whispered, her voice barely audible, her body trembling.
He stood up, pulling her to her feet as she sobbed, muttering, ‘Oh Lucy, please don’t cry. I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry,’ as he wrapped his arms around her.
Too weak to protest, Lucy rested her cheek on his chest, so familiar to her, so dear and precious. The thought of not being able to do this anymore was unthinkable. She could smell that delicious smell of him and wanted to hang on to this moment forever, the feeling of protection he gave her when she was in his arms, it was bittersweet. They stayed like that for a long time, she didn’t know how long.
Eventually, Alex said that he would go, that he would spend the night at Dan and Claudia’s. Lucy couldn’t even bring herself to speak; she just nodded her head, numb. She couldn’t imagine Claudia’s reaction when he turned up; the thought of telling her friends was too much. She just wanted the ground to open and swallow her. There was no way she could get through this.
She watched him gather a bag of his stuff; he took his phone from the kitchen counter and his house keys, leaving the untouched bags of shopping on the table.
He came over to her and kissed her one last time, on the lips, saying ‘I’m sorry.’
Suddenly overcome with a rising tide of blind panic she cried, ‘Don’t do it, Alex. Change your mind. We love each other, we can get through this, I know we can!’ She was desperate to stop this from happening, to stop him from leaving her. She had to stop him from going out that door. If he went, there would be no going back.
Shaking his head, he said, ‘I can’t, Lucy. I can’t do it.’
‘Please!’ she cried. ‘Please don’t go. We can get through this, I’ll change. We can work it out, I promise.’
‘I’m sorry.’ he said. ‘I know it’s terrible, I know how much you must hate me. I just hope that one day you will be able to forgive me. I’m sorry I couldn’t make this work.’ His eyes were so full of emotion, so honest, that she knew that he was finding this just as hard as she was, that the last thing on earth he would ever want to do was hurt her. But that somehow made it worse. If only he had done something bad, cheated on her, anything, then maybe she could hate him, but she didn’t.
Slowly unfurling her fingers as they grasped his hand, he let her hand drop from his, his cheeks wet with tears. Turning and picking up his bag, he left, closing the front door behind him. Lucy stood there for a long time, staring at the door in utter disbelief at what had just happened. Without making a sound, she turned off her phone, shut all the curtains and got into bed. She didn’t even have the energy to take off her clothes. Completely overcome with raw grief, she cried and cried, moaning and wailing like an animal in pain. Every part of her body ached with sorrow. Finally, in the early hours of the morning; she fell into a fitful sleep.
