After lunch they took Maisy down to the local playground and watched her as she played on the swings with some of the other local children. Lucy was grateful for Nicola’s honesty; she knew she had some thinking to do that evening.
Lucy settled in for a quiet evening of soul-searching. Negative thoughts kept popping into her mind. Was it fair on the baby not to have a father? Was she being selfish? Would other people judge her, or worse, judge her unborn child as he or she was growing up in a single parent family? She ran through the conversations she had had with Nicola earlier that day, questioning herself over and over, allowing the doubts to well up and trying her best to rationalize and reason with herself. In the end her total and utter longing for a baby always won. It seemed to her that no matter what the downsides were, she could and would accept them for the sake of being a mother. She would do whatever it took.
As she set off to the clinic for her implications counselling session at the beginning of October, Lucy was crippled with nerves, despite Nicola having reassured her that the anxieties she was feeling and questions that she wanted to ask would be nothing unusual for the counsellor.
The lady she saw was incredibly calm and reassuring. She answered all of her questions and was honest about what Lucy might expect to feel and how she would be able to get the support she needed during the difficult times that would undoubtedly accompany the roller coaster of emotions to follow. Lucy found it extremely useful and left the session feeling much more positive. By this stage, there was absolutely no doubt in her mind that she would go ahead with the insemination.
‘So?’ asked Claudia, when they met up later that evening. ‘Have you decided when D-day will be yet? Or should I say DI day?!’ Claudia laughed at her own dreadful joke as she glugged red wine into a glass.
‘It’s going to be next month,’ said Lucy decisively. ‘All we have to do now is decide on the donor…’
‘That’s what I’m here for!’ interrupted Claudia, peering at the website.
‘…and then I have to call the clinic and schedule an appointment,’ continued Lucy.
‘It has to be when you ovulate, right?’ asked Claudia.
‘Yup.’
‘How will you know?’
‘It’ll be between days ten and sixteen of my monthly cycle. I’ve been given ovulation tests that should tell me exactly when I am ovulating.’
‘How are you feeling?’ asked Claudia.
‘Nervous and excited in equal measure!’ explained Lucy. ‘It’s such a big step into the unknown!’
‘It sure is! Right then, let’s get to work!’ said Claudia, rubbing her hands with glee. ‘Here’s to finding the ideal genetic father of your child!’ she said, clinking her glass against Lucy’s as they settled in front of the laptop.
They had spent hours choosing the ideal donor, poring over the website with Claudia opening another bottle of wine. As planned, she had chosen the donor that most closely matched her, hoping that the baby would look as similar to her as possible. It had to be said, Claudia had been an absolute godsend, always there for her to talk through any doubts or concerns with. She had also volunteered to accompany her to the clinic for her first round of treatment despite her personal hatred of hospitals. Lucy was glad that she would have some moral support to steady her nerves and reassured Claudia that it was nothing like a hospital.
As she finally went in for her appointment in November she prayed and prayed that it would work, that a miracle would happen and that in nine months’ time she would be holding her very own baby. Claudia and Lucy arrived at the clinic and took their seats in the waiting room. As Lucy reached into her handbag to turn her phone off, she saw a reminder from her planner that had popped up onto her screen. It read13th November: By today you will feel normal.
‘Oh my god, look Clauds!’ She showed her the screen.
‘I remember you telling me about this,’ said Claudia in disbelief.
‘How ironic that it should have beenthisday, six months previously, when I set that alert!’ said Lucy. She checked herself to see how she felt, reaching deeply into the darkest recesses of her heart, searching for signs of that familiar despair and anguish over Alex. There was barely a trace left.
