‘No… it’s a different world for her these days. Too much change,’ mused Ollie.
‘I wish I had her support though, I’m sure as hell going to need it.’
‘You will. If it happens, she’ll come around. She loves you, Luce, we all do. We’ll be there for you. You’ll see.’
‘Thanks Ol. It’s good to have you home,’ said Lucy, throwing her wetsuited arm around her brother’s shoulders as he ruffled her hair.
The clouds parted slightly as they reached the sand. The distant sea looked like pale sheets of beaten silver, shimmering in the beams of light that sliced down through the sky. Seagulls darted around, skimming through the spray as it rose off the white horses that pranced and galloped in the surf. Lucy and Ollie waded in through the foam, shrieking as the ice-cold water turned their feet instantly numb. They were taken straight back to their childhood as they lay on their polystyrene boards, pushing off just as the waves broke behind them and hurtling through the sea, revelling in the full force of nature. Laughing uncontrollably, they zoomed through the surf, full of adrenalin. Their hair was plastered to their faces; salty spray blew into their eyes.
After about forty minutes, teeth chattering and blue from the cold, they dragged their boards back up to the house, arriving at the kitchen door dripping watery puddles everywhere, looking like two drowned rats. It was the ideal start to her Christmas.
Over the next few days Annie and Lucy helped Ginny to prepare the house for Christmas with trips to the local Morrisons, last-minute shopping and putting up lots of decorations around the house. They hung the baubles and fairy lights on the huge Christmas tree that Ollie and Gus had carried in and propped up, somewhat precariously, in a bucket of sand. This year it was their turn to host the annual Christmas Eve party that had been going on for years with a group of local families. Lucy took charge of the menu and the necessary shopping for the canapés. She would make them on Thursday with the rest of the family all taking up posts around the kitchen table with carefully allocated jobs to carry out: chopping, slicing, stuffing and artfully arranging.
Lucy bought a couple of packets of pregnancy tests with her shopping, deciding that she would do her test the next morning, on Christmas Eve, two weeks after her second round of insemination. She had fobbed her parents off in the same way she had done to Ollie by saying that she wasn’t going to have her second round until the New Year. She didn’t want them to know if the news was not good, believing that any fussing over her would make her feel worse, not to mention put a dampener on Christmas. This time, she was keeping it to herself. Besides, if she did turn out to be pregnant, it would be a wonderful surprise for them all, the perfect Christmas present.
The next morning, creeping out of bed and into her en-suite bathroom, she unwrapped the little Clear Blue box with trembling hands. Her plan this time was to do the test as quickly as possible, not thinking about the consequences, a bit like ripping off a plaster. Without hesitation, she peed on the stick and looked at the clock to check the time, brushing her teeth and washing her face as a distraction. As soon as three minutes passed, she picked up the stick, her heart thudding in her ears. She peered down at the little diamond box, the controller was showing her that the results were in… With baited breath she moved her hand to reveal the little circular window that would tell her her fate. A single line ran through the centre. She was not pregnant. It had failed again. Disappointment coursed through her veins once more. She fell heavily to the floor and gave herself a few minutes to absorb the news. The realization that her hopes were, once again, dashed into smithereens felt like a crushing weight on top of her. The desire to become pregnant had become an obsession. It filled most of her waking minutes. She had never known that you could want something so desperately… something that in moments like this felt so impossible, so completely unachievable. She lay on the cool tiles, focussing on her breathing, in and out, in and out, her eyes smarting with tears, her body heavy with the dead weight of disappointment. She knew that her only option was to keep looking forwards; she would have to move on but it was so hard to put herself through this emotional roller coaster every time.
She knew that there was one person who would understand how she felt more than anyone.
‘Hello?’ said Nicola as she answered the phone. ‘Lucy, are you okay?’
‘Hi Nicola, yes I’m fine thanks. Sorry for the early phone call.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ve been up for hours thanks to Maisy!’
‘I just did the test,’ explained Lucy. ‘I’m not pregnant.’
‘Oh Lucy, I’m so sorry,’ said Nicola. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Not great,’ said Lucy, her voice wobbling.
‘It’s so hard,’ Nicola sympathized. ‘You just have to try and stay strong.’
‘I know…’
‘I remember feeling so depressed every time it didn’t work, but you just have to pick yourself up and carry on. Remember it took me four times to fall pregnant with Maisy, but it did happen in the end.’
‘I just feel like I’ve failed,’ said Lucy.
‘You haven’t failed. It’s just probability and chance, and nothing anyone can do can change that.’
‘You’re right,’ said Lucy. She told herself that all was not lost; she had known that it would take time. She could and would cope with the disappointment. All she could do was begin to prepare herself for the build-up to round three, there was no way she was giving up now.
Lucy decided to go for a run, the best possible tonic for depressing news. Before setting off she messaged Claudia and Tor, letting them know the news and reassuring them that she was okay, that she was trying to stay positive. They replied with messages of encouragement, telling her to stay strong, and promising to call her later. Her friends really were an invaluable support network, and once again she counted her blessings, so thankful for everything that she did have in her life. As she ran, the pale mist of early morning hovered above the sea. A flight of birds migrating home flew over her head in a perfect V and Lucy marvelled at their uniform formation. Nature really was a miraculous force, so mysterious and yet somehow managing to work symbiotically, everything in delicate balance, in perfect harmony. She pounded the pathways, Kate Bush singing ‘Wuthering Heights’ in her ears, and let the beauty of the views uplift her spirits and revitalize her. Returning home, she felt renewed with energy and ready for anything.
As she looked through the windows into the cosy warmth of the kitchen, she saw Ollie standing at the sink, downing a pint of orange squash, still wearing his pyjamas. Annie would be eating her breakfast in bed by now, brought to her on a tray by Ginny each morning, and would eventually make her way downstairs by about eleven o’clock. Ginny and Gus were sitting at the breakfast table eating toast and marmalade, reading the morning papers while the television flickered in the background.
‘Hi darling,’ Ginny said as she opened the door. ‘Good run?’
‘Lovely thanks, it’s cold out but there’s a beautiful mist over the sea that’s really stunning,’ Lucy said.
‘Oh great, I’ll take Tiggy down there after breakfast!’ said Ginny.
Gus asked, ‘Do you want a cup of coffee? I’m going to make another one.’
Lucy shook her head saying that she would shower first and then come and eat something. She climbed the creaking stairs to the attic, stripping off her clothes and throwing them into the laundry basket before stepping under the power shower in her bathroom, letting the hot water stream over her and wash away her disappointment, preparing herself for the day ahead.
Later on that day she instructed her family members on their roles for the canapé manufacturing chain she had set up around the kitchen table. They spent a happy couple of hours at work, chatting as they went. By the time they had finished, the pine table was covered in plates and dishes of various shapes and sizes. Each one had an appetizing selection of canapés arranged across its surface: smoked salmon on brown bread covered with curls of lemon zest and black pepper, cherry tomatoes stuffed with blue cheese, prawns on mini pastry puffs, cheese twists, blinis with cream cheese and caviar, and honey and mustard sausages. She surveyed the spread with satisfaction as Gus stocked the fridge with champagne and Ollie lit the fires to warm the house up.
