Chapter Eight
She stayed on the bathroom floor for about forty-five minutes, feeling faint with panic and anxiety. Eventually coming to her senses, she stumbled back to her room and slammed the door. Her heart was pounding loudly in her ears. She felt as though all the blood had drained from her head to her feet, making her feel dizzy. She lay on her bed and took a deep breath. Her eyes filled with tears.
How could she have been so stupid?she thought.How on earth had she got herself into this mess?This was by far the worst situation she had ever found herself in. She knew she had messed up in the past, but this was far beyond anything that had happened before. A baby… This wasn’t something she could brush off, or run away from. This was real and growing inside her: an inescapable, unavoidable reality to face.
She suddenly felt feverishly hot. She flung the window open and gulped in some fresh air. Her head was spinning so fast she was struggling to make sense of her thoughts. She needed to get out of La Casetta. She needed to avoid seeing Luca, or anyone, until she had had some time to think. As luck would have it, her rota was free for the following two days. Making quick decisions, she stuffed some clothes into a bag, packed a few valuables and slipped out through the door. Giulia was in the bar talking to Maria. Hardly daring to breathe, Libby sneaked out of the hostel, closing the door behind her. Breathing a sigh of relief she walked quickly up the hill, her pulse racing, nervously checking over her shoulder to see if she had been spotted. She knew where she was aiming for; on the edge of the village there was a rickety car-hire shop that was open twenty-four hours a day. As the dusk settled she pounded the pavement, cutting through the back streets until she reached her destination. Without asking any questions, the elderly man behind the desk took a copy of her licence and showed her out to a small hire car. Thanking him, she flung her bag into the boot and turned on the ignition. She remembered how perilously steep the roads were and crossed her fingers that there wouldn’t be too much traffic around, given the time of day.
Putting her foot on the accelerator she set off, turning inland and away from the dangerous coastal roads at the first opportunity. She drove for a couple of hours, finally finding herself in a sleepy village with a small bed and breakfast. Parking outside she grabbed her bag and rang the bell. To her relief they had a room available. A middle-aged lady showed her upstairs. As soon as she left, Libby shut the door, grateful to have found refuge somewhere far away from prying eyes. The tears that she had been holding back spilt freely down her cheeks. She collapsed on to her bed and cried. She reached into her bag and found her phone, sending Luca a text to explain that she had gone to meet a friend from the UK who had suddenly called to tell her she was passing through on a cycling holiday. She told him she would be back either the following day or the day after. He seemed satisfied with her excuse. She lay back on the pillows once again, her mind spinning. She kept staring at her stomach, still as flat as a pancake, trying to imagine what was going on in there. Eventually she drifted off to sleep.
The next morning she woke up in confusion as she assessed her new surroundings. It took her several minutes to figure out where she was. All too quickly the memories of the day before came flooding back. The familiar tide of panic rose once more up her throat. She wanted nothing more than to run away from the situation, but this time she couldn’t. She was stuck. She had behaved irresponsibly one too many times and now here she was, with no choice but to face up to the fact that she was pregnant by her Italian lover, her summer romance. It had been a while since she had had any food, so she made herself go down and get some breakfast and a cup of coffee, even though the last thing she felt like doing was eating.
Back in her room, she sat and stared out of the window, looking down at the little garden, lost in her thoughts. She wasn’t sure whether her relationship with Luca was strong enough to cope with a bombshell like this. It was all very well being swept up in a bubble of new love when you knew you only had the summer together, but in her heart of hearts she didn’t think the relationship would survive when she moved back to London. Even with the best intentions, being physically separated from your partner was never easy. Luca would be working at the hostel, while Libby would be starting the most intense eighteen months of her life with her training contract. This brought another wave of utter panic crashing down over Libby. Her training contract… what would she do about that? She had worked so hard and for so long to finally,finallyget her act together and sort her life out… she would have no choice but to tell her employers. She could hardly disguise a pregnancy, not to mention the fact that in less than nine months’ time she would have to leave to have the baby. She rocked back and forth on her chair, the tears spilling down her cheeks once again. This really was a disaster. She felt utterly helpless and completely trapped.
Pulling herself together, she knew she had to face some facts. She had no choice but to deal with this in the best way she could. She needed to make sure she was properly informed. She got out her phone and typed in the B & B’s Wi-Fi code. She opened her browser and navigated her way to the NHS webpage about pregnancy. When it downloaded, she read through the advice offered to her. She found out that she would need to contact her GP as soon as possible. The NHS’s due date calculator told her that she was five weeks pregnant, according to the date of the first day of her last period. She would need to see a midwife in about three weeks, in the same hospital in which she would have the baby. Her head spun. Her eyes were drawn to the section which said, ‘Pregnant and don’t know what to do.’ Taking a deep breath, she scrolled down and read the options available to her. She could have an abortion. That would be one way of getting herself out of this situation once and for all. She was sure she would be able to find somewhere to do it in Italy; she could probably even find somewhere that very same day if she drove into Naples. She could take a pill and be rid of the baby then and there. She knew that it was the right choice for some, but it had never been something she had felt she would be able to do. At the thought she felt a surge of protectiveness for the fledgling life growing inside her.
Besides, she knew of enough friends who had been trying to have a baby, only to suffer from miscarriage after miscarriage, to know that perhaps the pregnancy might not last anyway. The NHS page said that one in six pregnancies ended in miscarriage. So maybe this would all disappear naturally. Perhaps she should just sit tight and hope for the best? Maybe the problem would sort itself out.
She lay on her bed and felt tears running down her face once again. This was not her plan. If the baby didn’t miscarry she would be giving birth the following April. How was she meant to start her training contract pregnant? What would they say? What would her mum say? What would Luca say? What would Angus say? She dreaded to think. He already thought she was irresponsible enough; the thought of the look on his face when he found out made her stomach churn. Her mind whirled with a cyclone of tormented thoughts. She drew her knees up to her chest and shut her eyes, trying to calm herself down.
Later that day she went for a walk through the village and into the surrounding countryside. She was feeling pretty under the weather and she thought some fresh air might help her feel better. She couldn’t work out whether it was morning sickness or the fact she hadn’t slept a wink the night before. She suspected it was the latter. She felt sick at the thought of food but knew she had to eat, so she bought a panini and a bottle of water en route. She decided to call Jules. She couldn’t tell her mother, and her sister was the last person she wanted to talk to right now, but she just had to speak to someone before she went completely insane. She would have to make Jules swear not to tell Angus. She just couldn’t bear the thought of him knowing, how disappointed he would be.
‘Jules?’
‘Hi Libs, how’s tricks?’
‘I have serious news. I’m completely freaking out. I don’t know what to do…’ Libby burst into tears.
‘Woah, woah, woah. Tell me what’s happened. Are you OK?’
Libby wiped her eyes and tried to steady her breathing; it was coming out in great ragged gasps.
‘Take a deep breath, it’s OK, Libs. Whatever it is, it will be OK.’
Libby took another deep breath and breathed out a long and shaky exhale. In a barely audible whisper she said, ‘I’m pregnant.’
‘What? I couldn’t hear that…’
‘I’mpregnant.’
‘You’re pregnant?’ Jules’s voice had gone strangely high pitched.
‘Yes.’
‘What? How?’
‘I don’t bloody know,’ Libby wailed. ‘I realised I was a week late and so I did a test yesterday and it said I was—’
‘Have you done another one just in case?’
‘Yes, I did two.’
‘Is it Luca’s?’
‘Of course. Whose else’s would it be?’
‘Oh my god.’ She could hear how shocked Jules was. ‘This ismassive.’
‘Tell me about it.’
