Helena licked her lips and attempted to choose the right words to calm him down. She knew he would be angry that she had kept her intervention from him but she had only been trying to help Margery out. Surely he would understand?
‘She was so upset… she was too embarrassed to have anyone in the house. It was full of junk. She was verging on becoming a full-scale hoarder,’ she stammered, aware that she was talking too much but unable to stop herself. ‘The place was completely impossible to clean with that much stuff and those poor dogs… Not to mention poor old Margery. I had to help—’
He cut her off. ‘Whathave I told you about staying out of other people’s business?’
She could see a swollen vein on his right temple, his jaw was clenched in anger.
‘I know—’
‘What,in fact, did I say only the other day?’ He enunciated every syllable in that crisp, patronising way that made her skin crawl.
For Christ’s sake. She had hardly committed a cardinal sin. She was determined to stick up for herself for once. ‘But, Noah—’
‘ENOUGH!’
He held up a hand as if to block her from his sight.
‘No. Buts.’
There was a long pause. He drew a breath in and exhaled, slowly and deliberately.
‘I expressly told you that I didnotwant you anywhere near that mad old woman and her filthy house.’
Helena racked her brains furiously for the best way to deescalate the situation.
‘Youclearlydecided to ignore my wishes and go ahead and do whatever thefuckyou wanted!’ He rubbed his temples, wincing. She couldn’t believe how angry he was. He was spitting with rage. It was completely disproportionate. ‘Do you know what, Helena? I have had enough. I. Have. Had. Enough.’
‘I’m sorry. I just felt so bad for her, I didn’t think you’d really mind if I leant her a—’
‘Stop,’ he said quietly.
The warning tone sent a shot of dread coursing through her.
‘But you see—’
‘Isaid. No. Buts.’ Noah repeated, his voice cold and monotone.
‘I know, I know you didn’t want me to help her. I get that. But you see—’
She hadn’t meant to say it. She was panicking, unable to get across what she was trying to say. The word had flown right out of her mouth before she could stop it.
She stayed frozen to the spot. Noah came striding over, right up to her. He was inches from her face. The look of rage flashing in his eyes scared her. She flinched as he raised his hand. She could feelher heart hammering against her ribcage. Time seemed to stand still as his clenched fist hovered in the air above her face. Her legs felt weak beneath her. Helena held her breath, she didn’t dare so much as flicker an eyelid in fear of provoking him. She held his gaze, silently pleading with him not to hurt her.
After what felt like an eternity Noah slammed his fist into the wall behind her, grazing her ear. ‘You are pathetic,’ he hissed, before turning his back and storming out of the house.
Helena stood trembling. He had never been so close to hitting her.
She stumbled out into the garden. The cool evening air hit her flushed skin as she sank down to her knees. She willed herself to calm down. Her breaths were ragged and shallow. She knew she needed to breathe slowly, remembering anxiety attacks she had suffered from as a teenager. She had been bullied at school, no doubt partly due to her teen acne, her orthodontist’s insistence that she wore train tracks with headgear to correct her wonky teeth and overbite, and the bizarre pudding bowl bob her mum gave her with the kitchen scissors. She tried to visualise her mum sitting by her side, as she so often had done, rubbing her shoulders, saying ‘Breathe in light, breathe out what does not serve you,’ until they subsided.
As her breath returned to normal, she tried to make sense of the thoughts that were raging through her mind, to figure out what had just happened, to decide what to do next. He wouldn’t be back for a while, she suspected. She realised she was shivering, but it wasn’t from the temperature outside. She was fairly sure that that was it, for now at least. Noah’s rages were like a state of temporary insanity. They took hold of him in an instant and left just as quickly. She knew once it had passed that would be it. But for how long? What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t keep putting up with this. She stayed sitting there. She didn’t know how long for.
Eventually, she pulled herself up. She looked up at the sky. A few last blushes of amber light seeped into the darkness above.The first stars were beginning to emerge, blinking sleepily into the night. She walked back inside, trying to stop the feeling of shame that overwhelmed her. Maybe she had gone too far this time? Why couldn’t she have just done what he had asked her to do. Minded her own business. She couldn’t bear this kind of animosity between them. The familiar flood of anxiety washed over her once again. She hoped and prayed that he would come back. That this time, she hadn’t pushed him too far.
13
SHE HEARD NOAHcome home in the early hours of the morning. From the sounds he made as he clattered around downstairs she could tell he was drunk. She had decided to spend the night in the spare room, knowing that he would want to sleep in their bed and not wanting to be banished from the room in the middle of the night, as she had been after arguments before. She knew that he needed his own space. Her best chance of restoring peace was to leave him alone until he was ready to make amends.
She had thought she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, but she had managed to drift off at some point. She woke to the sound of footsteps on the landing. She saw the doorknob twist as Noah pushed it open. He looked awful, like he hadn’t slept a wink.
