‘That sounds good to me.’
‘Great. Really. Thanks Helena. See you tomorrow morning, have a lovely evening. Doing anything nice?’
‘Not particularly. You?’
‘Just dinner with the wife and kids.’
‘That sounds lovely.’ As always, a rush of missing Raffy coursed through her at the words. His beautiful, gold-flecked blue eyes. His bouncy curls. His skinny legs always covered in bruises. ‘Well, see you in the morning,’ she smiled, pulling her coat closer to fend off the unseasonably cold air.
As she walked to the car, she imagined how envious she would feel now, of Ahmed going home to the smells of home cooking and a full household, if she was still living in that horrible flat share. Instead, she would be going back to Johnny and Margery, and she realised how much she was looking forward to seeing them both. She checked her phone, noticing an email from the hospital. She tried not to think about that awful night, the night she had been for her colposcopy, what had happened when she arrived back home. She tried not to think about where Raffy was right now, and Noah, who was cooking Raffy his dinner, what school he had been to that day, who his new friends were, whether he had any… She tried not to notice the gaping ache that resonated deep inside her. As she opened the email, she read the results of her colposcopy, giving her the all clear. She sighed with relief. Another thing that had been weighing on her mind this past month. She had been putting off calling the hospital for far too long, sure that it would undoubtedly be more bad news. Perhaps it was a sign, maybe her luck was beginning to change at last.
*
Her first week at Coffee Stop had passed by in a flash. On Saturday morning she looked up the schedule at the closest cinema, determined to get herself out and about. Johnny had taken Margery to see her goddaughter, who lived about an hour away, and the house seemed terribly quiet without them both. She decided to watch a newly released comedy, avoiding the more depressing genres, in need of something light and uplifting. She thought about asking Nathalie if she’d like to go with her, but she didn’t have her number and wasn’t brave enough to pop around on the off chance she was at a loose end. She assumed her kids must be with their dad at least every other weekend. She decided she’d make an effort to chat to her next time she saw her out and about, perhaps they could arrange to go for a drink or something. Nathalie was the one other person in the village she had the urge to befriend.
It took Helena a surprising amount of courage to walk intothe screening room. She didn’t know why she felt so nervous, it wasn’t as if people really talked to each other in a cinema anyway. But she did. She was worried that people would stare at her and wonder why she was alone. As it happened, no one paid her the slightest bit of attention. She was relieved to see many other solo cinema goers dotted around the room. Like with most things, the thought had been much worse than the reality. She actually enjoyed herself, realising it had been years since she had been to the movies. Noah hadn’t allowed screen time with Raffy, so they had never been able to go. And his reluctance to use childcare other than Helena or himself meant that they had rarely been on a cinema date as a couple. Helena stretched out her legs and ate her popcorn, another thing Noah would never have allowed. She revelled in the anonymity of the darkness, and told herself off for being such a wimp. There was nothing wrong with being alone. It was loneliness that she was afraid of.
She could see it now. The shame of feeling lonely in her relationship had been too painful to admit, even to herself. She had carried that emptiness within her like an invisible scar. Like the insidious creep of illness, slowly distorting cell after cell, destruction from the inside out. Being with Noah should have been the happiest time of her life. She had finally had the love she’d wished for, yet she had felt like she could only see the world in shades of grey, not the radiant technicolour she had dreamed of.
A crisp cerulean sky stretched out before her as Helena drove back towards Hambleton. As she turned into the village her heart sank at the sight of the pub, remembering that it would soon be closed. She thought of Podge and Perkins and wondered who would take care of them if Dave moved away, whether he would take them with him. She smiled as she remembered Raffy throwing carrots into the mud for them to nibble on, yelping with delight as they snuffled over to grunt hello. Her heart rate quickened, as it always did, as she swung the car onto the lane that led up to Hazel Cottage and her old home. Pausing at the entrance to BanhamCottage, she caught her breath as the memories hit her once again like a punch in the gut. The lights were on. The new tenants would be there, perhaps about to share a meal at the kitchen table, just as Helena had lovingly prepared lunch each weekend for Noah and Raffy. She had met them a few times now, they seemed nice enough, but Helena hadn’t felt like making much of an effort. She hadn’t mentioned that she used to live there. It was too painful. After several minutes, she forced herself to look away, to pull the steering wheel to the left and into the drive of Hazel Cottage.
Later that evening as she got into bed, after eating delicious lasagne cooked by Johnny, followed by Helena’s signature Guinness brownies that she had baked that afternoon, she felt the warmth of Margery and Johnny’s company lingering within her like the glowing embers of a fire. The time she had spent with them in the past week had done her the world of good. It had begun to occur to Helena how vital human connection was, and not just the odd bit of conversation with the postman or someone working the shop till.
Real, meaningful connection was what she had been missing all this time. Her bond with Raffy hadn’t been enough. Noah’s refusal to make space for other people in their life had whittled away at her sense of self-worth. To be seen and accepted in your entirety is the greatest gift you could be given. To be loved with no desire to change you, with no hidden agenda, as Raffy loved her, pure and selfless. Noah had never felt that – she saw that now. And, worse, Noah’s isolation of her, cutting off her friendships and enforcing her solitude, had caused the light that had once shone so brightly within her to splutter like a flame starved of oxygen. She saw now that friendship was the webbing through which she could hold and be held. It gave her opportunities to show love and solidarity, a shoulder to lean on, to be uplifted and enjoyed. Without friendships she felt she had lost her third dimension, her impact on the world limited to Noah and Raffy. His sudden severing of all the remaining human connection she had left had nearly destroyed her. She wasbeginning to wonder if anyone could survive without it. It seemed to her that it was as vital as breathing to a person’s well-being. Without those guide ropes, those ribbons that bind you, it is all too easy to become unanchored from the world, retreating further and further into the darkest reaches of yourself.
26
TAKING A DEEPbreath to steady her nerves, Helena opened the remaining boxes of possessions that she’d so far neglected to sort through since her move. It was late on Sunday morning. Helena had allowed herself the luxury of a lie-in after another busy week at the café. She was feeling refreshed and detoxed after a couple of weeks without drinking and she finally felt ready to tackle the task. She steeled herself against the onslaught of emotion that would inevitably hit her as she sorted through the items which she hadn’t been brave enough to part with in those last few days at Banham Cottage.
She lifted the contents out of the box one by one and placed them on the bed. Some were more painful than others: Raffy’s Buzz helmet brought a tear to her eye as she remembered him tearing off ahead of her each day as they made their way to the meadow. She could see the pride in his eyes as he’d tried it on for the first time as if it were yesterday. There were other, more heart-wrenching memories to come. The dog-eared copy ofGuess How Much I Love Youthat Helena had read to Raffy every night for years. A box full of drawings and notes. She let the tears fall as she took them out one by one to read. There were cards from Noah with messages of love that she now knew to be nothing but lies. Cards from Raffy with wobbly writing and misshapen hearts. Cards from Helena to Noah whose heartfelt contents made her feel ashamed, embarrassed now she could see them through Noah’s eyes. A colourful painting Raffy had done of a poppy, kept for safekeeping in a cardboard wallet. Some of Noah’s favourite clothes. Framed photographs, treasured cuddly toys, a baby blanket of Raffy’s he’d loved to sleepcuddled up with. The Eurostar tickets she had kept from when Noah had taken her to Paris all those years ago. So many memories, each as bittersweet as the last.
What was she supposed to do with it all? Was it wrong for her to keep it? Shouldn’t she take the whole lot to charity, throw anything worthless into the bin? But it still felt too soon to get rid of it. Even Noah’s things. She couldn’t bring herself to. Maybe one day, in time, she would feel ready, but she realised she simply wasn’t there yet. Instead, she opened her suitcase and carefully packed the items back inside. She would put it under her bed, to be dealt with at another time.
At least she had finally done something about the cardboard boxes; their very presence in her room left her feeling unsettled. As she got towards the bottom of the last box she began sorting through a pile of paperwork she had rescued from Noah’s desk, in case there was anything important that shouldn’t have been thrown away. She hadn’t had the energy to go through it at the time. There was nothing terribly exciting: old payslips, credit card statements, council tax bills.
Peering back into the box she noticed an envelope lying at the bottom. It was addressed to Noah. Curious, Helena slid the letter out of the envelope. The signature, ‘I love you, K xx’ told her all she needed to know.
Helena’s pulse started to race. She was desperate to find out more about Kate, and, if possible, their marriage. Unable to tear her eyes away, Helena read the letter, devouring each and every word, hungry for any clues that might give her some insight into their relationship.
The letter was like a hidden doorway into a world she had so often imagined, so often wondered about. Kate, the woman Noah had loved, Raffy’s mother, was suddenly so incredibly real. It was as though she was right there in front of her, somehow brought to life by the words she had written on the page, the marks her hand had made.
My darling Noah,
I wanted to write this down on paper so that I can get my words out just how I mean them. I often say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment and end up making things worse, so I thought it would be easier this way. I have had time to think over these past few days, while you have been away. You were right, we did need some space, and I did have a lot of thinking to do. I should never have said those things. I understand why you were so angry with me, and I am sorry. I know how generous you are, and how lucky I am that I don’t have to work, that I can take all the time I need to rest and take care of myself during this pregnancy. You were right, there are many women who would cut off their right arm to be in my place, and I should never have complained that I miss my old life, it was extremely ungrateful. I am so sorry.
I couldn’t be more excited about starting our family together, we don’t have long to go now… and I know you will be the most fantastic father to our son when he arrives. I don’t know what is wrong with me, why I always wind you up so much. All I can say is that I will try and get better. I will try and make a nice home for you. I know all you want is a bit of peace and quiet when you get home from work and you are right, it is not too much to ask. I am sorry I had invited Sally and Nick over next weekend without checking with you, I have already phoned her to cancel. I should have taken your feelings into consideration. I realise that now; it was selfish of me not to. I’m sure she understands. I only hope that you can forgive me, that we can put the fight behind us and get back to how we were before. Please, my darling, say that we can?
I love you.
K xx
As she read the words in front of her, so heartbreakingly familiar, words of apology she had said many times herself to try and placate Noah, to try and keep the peace after a fight, it felt as though a fog was lifting before her eyes. She sat down on the bed with a thud.Her mind was racing. The letter told her so much: Kate and Noah had argued, Kate had also given up work, she hadn’t been allowed to invite her friends over either, and, just like Helena, she had been made to feel guilty for not ‘appreciating’ the solitary existence he was forcing her to live. And Kate hadn’t even had Raffy to keep her company, so it must have been even worse for her.
They had clearly both found themselves apologising to Noah, was it really likely that Noah had not been the one at fault? It was finally beginning to dawn on her who the true culprit was. Two women, both seemingly reduced to shadows of their former selves for fear of him, of his temper. Recognising the same patterns in Kate and Noah’s relationship as in her own brought the blurred edges into laser sharp focus. Suddenly, she felt she could see their relationship for what it had become. She could see Noah for the man he was: a controlling, angry, irrational bully. He had used his impressive persuasive skills, his subtle manipulation, to belittle her and put her down, slowly but surely wearing away at her, transforming her into the kind of meek, compliant partner he required. Someone who wouldn’t challenge him, who wouldn’t stand up to him. And from what she could see in Kate’s letter, her experience had been similar. It was all so familiar, it could have been Helena sitting there, writing those words. It was as if Kate had reached out beyond time and given her the permission she needed to be set free.
As she sat and reread the letter, she felt as if she was being released from a set of heavy chains she had not realised she had been shackled to, a sense of lightness pervaded her being. She was not responsible for what Noah had done. She never had been. She couldn’t have done anything differently. She realised that whoever he was with, in whatever circumstances, he would be the same angry, irrational control freak he had always been. She was nothing but a victim of his coercive behaviour, undoubtedly just as Kate had been, and probably others before her. She could see it clearly now. There was only one person to blame for the way her life had turned out, and that was Noah. His cruelty had worn away at her,little by little, whittling away her confidence, her self-esteem, her freedom, her friendships until there was nothing left but an empty vessel. But she hadn’t been empty enough. Some small part of her had resisted his lies.
Helena slipped Kate’s letter into her coat pocket, went downstairs and offered to take the dogs out for a walk, to which Margery, who was suffering from a terrible cold, gratefully agreed. She walked to the pond next to the village hall. She stared out at the bleak grey sky, at the reflections of the trees absorbed in the smooth surface of the pond. She paused, gathering her composure as she gently eased the ring off the fourth finger of her left hand. She looked at it, a simple gold band, lying in the palm of her hand. It was nothing but an empty promise. She took a deep breath, raised her arm and threw the ring into the centre of the pond, watching the ripples as it slid into the murky water.
