The landline rang its familiar trill. She flung the tray into the oven and raced over to pick up the phone.
‘It’s me,’ Noah’s voice echoed down the line. She hoped he wasn’t still annoyed about his shirts. He had not reacted well to her confession the night before.
‘Hi babe, all okay?’
‘Not really.’
‘Oh no. How come?’
He sighed. ‘Nothing I want to talk about…’
‘Will you be back in time for dinner?’
‘Should be, probably not for bedtime. What have you made?’
‘Slow-roasted lamb shoulder and roasted vegetables.’
‘Nice.’ She could hear his approval and was pleased she had chosen to make it, time consuming though it may be. Noah did not approve of carbs, only Raffy was allowed them, not wanting to risk losing his zero per cent body fat, which made meal planning that bit more challenging. He sounded quite down, but she knew it was no good trying to lift him out of a mood when it arose. It was better to leave him until it blew over.
‘Do you want to speak to Raf? He’s right here.’
‘Pass him over.’ She handed him the phone and listened to them chat about Raffy’s day at school.
‘Bye Dad,’ Raffy said as he hung up. ‘See you in the morning.’ He turned to Helena, a grin on his face. ‘Dad said we can go on a bike ride tomorrow, just the two of us.’
Helena tried not to feel left out, she knew it was important for them to have quality time together as father and son. ‘How lovely! If you go early perhaps it’ll be a bit cooler…’
He punched the air. ‘I can’twait!’ He beamed his gap-toothed smile.
‘Let’s have a look at this masterpiece then,’ Helena said, walking over to the table and picking up the folded piece of card. He had written:
Dear Dad, these are the reasons I love you.
There were three blank lines for Raffy to draw pictures and write his own words. The first image was a picture of two stick figures entwined, accompanied by the words ‘You give me hugs.’ The second was a picture of a book, and the words ‘Reading me stories.’ The third was a bike with the words ‘Bike rides.’
As Raffy explained the card to Helena she could sense that sadness lingering over him again. ‘He is going to love it,’ she said. ‘I promise. It’s such a wonderful card.’
Raffy smiled up at her and her heart wrenched at the emotion in his eyes.
‘What is it darling?’ she said softly, crouching down beside him.
Raffy paused, staring at the floor for a moment or two. ‘Stuart said that I don’t have a mummy so I can’t have as much love as other children.’
Helena felt her stomach lurch for Raffy. ‘Oh darling,’ she said, pulling him into her arms and squeezing him tightly. ‘What a silly thing for Stuart to say.’
‘But it’s true, isn’t it?’
‘No, it’s not.’ Helena sat on the chair and pulled him onto her lap. ‘The thing is, you had a wonderful mummy, the very best, in fact. And she loved you more than any child has ever been loved. The best thing is that she still does, always and forever, and she watches you every day from heaven and her heart bursts with pride at the incredible little boy you have become. And then on top ofthat, you have all my love too. I love you so much, and I will always love you. You see, you actually have more love than most children, not less.’
Raffy seemed reassured by this, the look of concern faded away and his eyes shone happily again. ‘I love you too,’ he whispered.
Helena’s eyes filled with tears. ‘To infinity and beyond,’ she replied with his usual response, making him laugh. She wiped a tear that had spilled onto her cheek with the back of her hand and pulled herself together. ‘Right, let’s turn these over and get the peas on, and then we’ll go and find a hiding place for your lovely card.’
‘Okay,’ Raffy nodded.
She decided not to tell Noah about their little chat. If he was feeling low, hearing that would only make him feel worse. She knew he worried about Raffy. He was sure there must be some side-effects to that early loss. Even if he didn’t remember Kate, he would at some deeper level be missing her presence. It was impossible for her death to have had no impact on him at all. Her heart broke for the tragedy of such a small child losing his mother, and for Noah losing his wife like that. What a horrific thing to have happened to any young family. It was an odd thought that if the accident hadn’t happened, she wouldn’t be living the life she was. She would have met Noah once and never seen him again. She wouldn’t have known Raffy at all.
*
