‘You’re moving back into the village?’ Nathalie asked, open-mouthed. ‘Aren’t you living in New Zealand?’
‘No. As it happens, we are not.’ Noah was clearly irritated by Nathalie’s insertion of herself into their conversation. ‘As I said, we are now residents of Hambleton once again.’
‘How did you know I was still here?’ Helena asked. Neither of them had social media and they hadn’t exactly had any friends.
‘I saw an article in the paper,’ Noah said. ‘It all sounds very exciting, this new enterprise of yours.’ He sounded faintly amused, as if she were a child who should be praised for working hard on a school project.
‘Oh god. So it’s my fault,’ Nathalie groaned. ‘That bloody article…’
‘Charming,’ Noah replied, unamused by Nathalie’s blatant disapproval, which Helena knew only too well he would be finding intensely annoying.
Helena checked to ensure Raffy was not listening to their conversation. Luckily, he was surrounded by a wealth of distractions, all of which seemed irresistible to a seven-year-old boy, and much more appealing than listening to a bunch of grown-ups talk. He was currently mesmerised by the balloon artist as she rustled up first a sword, followed shortly after by a poodle.
Suddenly desperate to assert herself, Helena turned once more to face Noah. Taking a deep breath, she said ‘Noah. If you really have moved back to the village, which I find quite hard to believe, then I do not wish to have anything to do with you. Theonlyperson I haveanyinterest in seeing again, is Raffy. You know how much I love him. He has been like a son to me, as you knew only too well when you took him away from me. I would love to spend time with him, but that is where it would end.’ She was trembling with nervous energy.
The little pulse in Noah’s jawline started to twitch. Nathalielooked at her in admiration. Helena felt as though she might collapse at any second. Her palms were sweating and she was flushed with adrenaline. It was taking all her strength not to collapse to the floor in a heap. She could feel Johnny’s gaze on her, despite hearing his voice on the microphone, knowing that he had taken to the stage once more. She knew he was watching, ready to come to her aid at a moment’s notice. She knew Margery was not far away, sitting at the tombola stall, which she had been allocated to run with Derek. Helena had thought they might get on. She had her back to Helena, unaware of what was happening, but knowing her friends were there gave her the support she needed not to lose it completely.
‘Look,’ Noah said, using the ultra-patient tone of voice he had often adopted when trying to placate her in the past. ‘I understand this will have come as something of a surprise and that it will take some getting used to. But we are meant to be together, Helena. You know that as well as I do. That’s why I’ve come back. It’s why I signed the lease. I wanted to show you how serious I am. I am not going anywhere.’
At this Nathalie snorted violently in disgust.
Noah shot her a venomous look. ‘I’m not expecting to click my fingers and find things back just as they were. I know that you will need some time, and that I have some explaining to do. We can talk about all of it. In private.’ These last two words were directed at Nathalie.
Helena didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t get her head around any of it. All of her senses were reeling. She wanted to cling on to Raffy with every fibre of her being, still unable to believe that he was there right in front of her. She wanted to take him back to Banham Cottage, to play with his train set, to give him a bath full of bubbles, read him his favourite stories and lie next to him while he drifted off to sleep as she had done a thousand times before. She wanted to be able to wind back the clock somehow, but she wouldn’t trade her newfound independence for anything. And there was no going back. Raffy’s room was no longer his,there were no trains, there was no bedroom. She lived at Hazel Cottage now. Nothing was the same. But when she looked at him, it was as if nothing was different. She felt as though she was being wrenched in half: the magnetic pull of Raffy and the desperate urge to get away from Noah. She didn’t know what to do. Surrounded by happy, cheerful faces, she suddenly felt so out of place. A rush of dizziness swept over her. She hated herself for the effect Noah was having on her. Despite her strong outward appearance, she felt utterly crippled inside. It was as if she had been hit by a wrecking ball, knocking her insides out. Her head span and she began to feel short of breath. The breathlessness increased, quickly, until she could hear her pulse slamming in her ears. Suddenly terrified a panic attack was coming on, she bent down to Raffy and grabbed hold of his hands.
‘I’ll come and find you tomorrow,’ she promised. ‘Have fun at the fete. I love you,’ she whispered as she pulled him close and buried her face in his hair, breathing in the smell she had missed so much. Tears burned in her eyes as she kissed the soft skin of his cheek. She wrenched herself away from him.
Blind with tears, she stumbled backwards and turned away, racing across the green and up the lane to Hazel Cottage. She ran towards the cottage and through the gate, praying that Noah wouldn’t follow her. She slowed her pace as she reached the back garden, collapsing onto one of the chairs. Feeling her breath coming in shorter and sharper bursts, she leant forward and lowered her head between her legs. ‘Breathe, just breathe: in with light, out with heaviness. Receive… release, that’s it darling.’ Her mother’s voice echoed in her ears. She focused on the memory, on her mother’s soothing presence.
It was okay, she told herself. She was okay. Whatever was happening, she would find a way through it. She had already come so far.
As the shock of the last minutes began to settle, her vision cleared.
Gradually, her breathing began to return to normal.
‘Helena?’ Nathalie called out across the garden.
‘I’m back here,’ she said.
‘I gave that piece of shit a massive bollocking!’ Nathalie exclaimed. ‘Thebloody audacityof the man, turning up here like that. To make matters worse I think he’s actually serious, you know? About Lavender Cottage. I think he really has moved back into the village.’
Helena groaned. She rocked back and forth on her chair, her head in her hands. ‘I can’t believe it. I have never been so shocked to see anyone in my entire life. The last person on earth I thought would turn up here. And today, of all days…’ She shook her head.
‘He’s got some nerve!’ Nathalie said. Her eyebrows were hovering near her dark roots. Her pink lips snarled in disgust.
‘It’s the arrogance. Saying that he wants me back. Like I’m going to come running. As if nothing he did to me matters, as if nothing ever happened. As if nearly a whole year hasn’t gone by.’
‘How did you feel about seeing Raf?’ Nathalie asked. She knew better than anyone how much Helena missed him.
‘Incredible. Heart-breaking at the same time. He has got so big. I can’t believe he’s right here, in the village. All I want to do is see him, to spend time with him. But I can’t see Noah…Oh god. What am I supposed to do?’
‘Raffy was dragging his dad off to visit some of the stalls,’ Nathalie said. ‘So, when you go back, hopefully they’ll keep their distance, let the bomb Noah has dropped settle if nothing else. And I’m sure Raffy will be distracted enough not to worry about what is going on between the two of you.’
Helena nodded. She swallowed. Her mouth felt unbearably dry.
‘Tomorrow, you can spend some time with Raffy, as you promised. Perhaps you can take him for a walk, or bring him here to play with the dogs. If Noah is serious about getting you back, he will need to respect your wishes and give you space. Over time, he will see that you aren’t the same person he left behind. He will see how strong you are, and that there is no way you will get back together with him. But hopefully, he will also realise howimportant you are to Raffy, and he will allow you to stay part of his life. Maybe you can come to some kind of arrangement eventually. So… in a way, you might have the best of both worlds.’
Nathalie crouched down in front of Helena, staring directly at her. ‘But let me make one thing clear, under no circumstances do you have to go near that snivelling, pathetic excuse of a man if you don’t want to. The silver lining of his deranged plan to come back is that you will get to see Raffy…’ Nathalie tailed off. She was scanning Helena’s face for some sign that her words were reassuring her, some acknowledgment that she was alright.
