Still completely numb with shock, Helena pushed herself up. She looked at her watch. ‘We’d better get back. We’ve got to announce the raffle in a minute, haven’t we?’
‘Why don’t you let me do that?’ Nathalie asked. ‘I’ve been dying to get on the mic all day,’ she smiled. She took Helena’s hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. ‘You’ll be okay, you know. You’ve got me. And I won’t let that fuckwit comeanywherenear you.’
Helena smiled at Nathalie. ‘Thank you,’ she said, giving her a hug. She had never been more glad to have her. ‘I know.’
Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, they walked back into the melange of the fete. The sun stood proudly above them, beating its fierce heat down upon them as they approached the stage.
Johnny muttered something to his two band mates. They carried on playing as he jumped down and came towards Nathalie and Helena. His face was a picture of concern.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked. ‘Has that bastard gone?’
‘He’s still here. And I’m okay,’ she smiled. She couldn’t stop her eyes from brimming with tears as Johnny pulled her into one of his enormous bear hugs. She crumpled into him, drawing strength from his embrace. She didn’t want to ever leave the safe haven of his arms. If she could have stayed like that forever, she would have.
‘I can’t see him,’ Nathalie said, scanning the crowd. ‘They must have gone across to the meadow.’
‘I can’t believe he turned up like that!’ Johnny said when he finally let her go. ‘What the fuck is he doing here?’
‘You’ll never believe it,’ Nathalie said.
‘He’s rented Lavender Cottage. They’ve moved back into the village.’
At this Johnny flushed puce with rage. ‘He can’t do that! After the way he treated you! The way he left? Why would he even want to be here?’
Helena couldn’t agree more. ‘I know. It’s crazy. And the last thing I ever expected. I truly believed I would never see them again.’
‘Johnny, he’s back for Helena,’ Nathalie explained.
‘He said he wants to be a family again. That he’s changed.’ Helena laughed scornfully, swallowing down the tiny part of her that still wished it were true.
‘God, it’s worse than I thought,’ he said. ‘People like that can be so manipulative, Helena. Promise me you’ll be careful.’
‘I promise,’ she said. She tried to squash the worm of doubt that wriggled in her stomach, ignoring the voice asking what if Noah really had changed? He had been away for a long time, after all.
‘Poor Raffy,’ Johnny said. ‘Stuck with that for a father. He must have been so surprised to see you.’
‘He was. I have never been so happy to see anyone in my life.’ Helena shook her head in confusion. It was so hard: on the one hand, she had the chance of having a relationship with Raffy again, but on the other, it meant she would have no choice but to see Noah in order to do so. And the thought of him just being around all the time, in her space, in her village, it was just so unsettling. She couldn’t bear it.
‘Right, do you think we’d better get on with the raffle,’ Nathalie said. ‘Before people start to drift off?’
Helena nodded.
‘If you pull out the tickets and pass them to me, I’ll call out the winning numbers.’
Johnny gave the nod to his band mates who came to the end of their song and announced that the raffle would shortly be taking place. As people trickled towards the stage from the meadow Helena noticed Noah and Raffy amongst the crowd. Once again, atthe sight of his face, no less handsome than it had always been, she felt a physical punch to her gut. It was so strange, she had twisted that face into the most hateful, evil image in her mind’s eye, but here in front of her, it was just Noah. The same complicated guy he had always been, the man she would have willingly spent the rest of her life with only one year before, the man she had proposed to, that she’d wanted to have a child with. She tried not to look at him, instead focusing on the job in hand as Nathalie charmed the crowd from her position on the stage next to her. Helena fixed a grin to her face. She felt Noah’s gaze burning through her. She glanced over at Raffy, beaming up at her. She longed to call him over, to invite him to stand beside her and let him help her choose the winning tickets. But she could no longer act as if she were his parent. She had lost that right the moment Noah had left her, the moment everything had changed.
36
HELENA LAY INbed, staring at the ceiling, willing herself to sleep. A soft glow of moonlight streamed through the gap in her curtains. She was awake to hear the first chirp of birdsong, slowly building into the full symphony of the dawn chorus, marking the start of another day. Sleep was impossible. How could she, knowing Noah was here? And Raffy? Just a few minutes away, not, as she had imagined for so long, in some unknown part of New Zealand. It was all so confusing. She grappled with the duvet, tossing it off, uncomfortably hot. Her pyjamas stuck to her clammy skin. The sense of peace she had recently been enjoying so deeply had disappeared. The knowledge that everything was as it should be was suddenly gone. She felt so uncomfortable, as if she had discovered that Noah had been watching her all this time. She had thought she was free of his control, but suddenly he was back, and from now on he would be there, lurking around any corner, invading her thoughts as he had done for years. It felt so strange. Seeing him had brought all the painful memories flooding back, and suddenly she was no longer free. Instead her mind tormented her with thoughts of him; waves of anger, revulsion, rage and disappointment raced through her, along with the painful lost love she had buried so deeply within. Kate’s words flashed through her mind, mixing with her own thoughts, becoming one voice echoing over and over again, warning her to stay away. But that was the biggest problem. She couldn’t get away. There was no way she was leaving. Her life was here, a life that she had clawed back through blood, sweat and tears. She had her business now, her friends, her new home. There was no way she was giving all that up to escape him.
Finally abandoning any attempt at sleep, Helena pulled on her dressing gown and went downstairs to get on with some work.
*
‘Coffee?’ Helena asked, reaching for an extra mug as Margery came to join her in the kitchen, wrapped in her quilted dressing gown. She poured them each a cup from the cafetière that sat beside her laptop.
‘How did you sleep?’ Margery asked.
‘Terribly. You?’
