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She smirked. “Where’s your baby girlfriend, Neil?”
“None of your business, and her name is Elaina, as you well know.” I wouldn’t even address her other comment with a response. Pointless. “Look, I’m very busy getting ready to take off, so what is it that you want?”
“Only what you owe me, legally.”
I’m sure my eyes popped out of my skull. “What in the hell are you talking about, woman. I don’t owe you anything, legal or not.”
Just at that moment, Elaina came up the stairs laden with shopping bags and smack into our conversation. Cora turned and said, “Oh good, she’s here. You really need to know this too, doll.” Cora fished out a small square paper from her purse and shoved it at me.
I looked at it. Felt my heart get ripped from my chest and then thrown down onto the floor so it could be kicked around like a football. “What the fuckin’ hell is this?!”
“That,” she said with dramatic emphasis, “is our baby, Neil. Eight weeks gone. Isn’t he cute?”
I looked at Elaina standing in the hallway, a shopping bag in each hand, just standing frozen in place, hearing every poisonous word. Her face was white as a sheet.
“No! No, Cora, no fuckin’ way that’s mine! Elaina?” I found her with my eyes and begged, “Cherry, please don’t go away—”
Cora ignored us both and kept right on blabbing. “Oh, but there is a way, darling. Eight weeks ago? Remember? You’d just come home from your long, long, lonely tour and were quite out of your mind as I recall. So long without a woman...you needed a little something to take the edge off?” She snickered. “Quite a few times too. Condom problems…it happens.”
“No…” My gut churned, and the fear boiled over as her devastating words crushed my whole world. I had fucked Cora. More than once. The day I got home I went straight to the pub and started drinking. By the time Cora showed up there, I was pissing drunk and horny enough to shag a troll. And we ended up at her place in a sex marathon that was all about gettin’ off and nothing about feelings. I’d told her before we fucked that we weren’t going to be together afterward. One of the condoms did blow out… Cora had said not to worry… Oh. Fuck. No.
I stared at the image on the black and white photo she’d handed to me.
It couldn’t be mine. Could it? What would this do to Elaina? FUCK!
Cora turned and shrugged in Elaina’s direction while I kept staring at what I held in my hand. “Well, that’s all I wanted to tell you, darling. I know you’re off in the morning and thought you should know that you’re going to be a daddy. So take care of yourself over there. Be safe and all that rubbish, oh, and send me a cheque now and again. I have to pay the bills you know so I can take care of your child, Neil.”
And then, Cora walked out as I stared at the doctor’s scan and felt I might be sick. I didn’t even say anything. I couldn’t. I don’t know how many moments passed. Could have been a few seconds, could have been an hour but when I looked up, Elaina was gone. The only evidence to show she’d really been present to hear Cora’s claim, were the two shopping bags full of our dinner sitting on the floor at the top of the stairs.
The hours that followed were something out of a horror film. I couldn’t find her and I didn’t know where she had gone off to. She wouldn’t answer my calls or take my messages. Elaina’s mum said she’d called to say I’d left a day early and she was going to stay with a school friend. Elaina didn’t say which friend. Ian hadn’t heard from her. Both her mother and brother were mystified as to what was going on and couldn’t help me.
And I was out of time with no good options.
Desperate and terrified, I pulled every trick in the book trying to get an emergency extension of my tour, but was soundly vetoed. My final orders stood. Report to my commanding officer by the prescribed time in the morning or be arrested and tried in military court.
That night was one of the longest, most horrible experiences I can remember. I didn’t sleep for fear she might show up or ring me. She didn’t though.
The next morning I dragged myself to the train station in misery because my time was up. I scanned the platforms for any sign of her, my heart in shreds, terrified of what I’d say to her but desperately wishing for a chance to try to tell her how sorry I was, and how we could figure out what to do. I loved her, and couldn’t lose her, and I’d make things work out—somehow.
My Cherry Girl wasn’t there.
13
One year later
My final tour in the army had been the worst of my career. I saw the most dangerous action. The riskiest maneuvers attempted, the closest I ever came to dying. The most loss of life experienced of troops I knew and commanded. Just a total fuckin’ mess of events and situations all coalescing into a very dark time for me.
Coming out of it, I was a changed man. For many reasons, but the worst part was finally making it back home to London and finding out she really had gone. Elaina did take the au pair position and moved away to Italy to work within a few months of my leaving.
I’d lost my girl. My Cherry Girl was lost to me and I faced the prospect of living a life without her. During my tour, she never contacted me once. Her mum and Ian still did, but kept out of our business and accepted that whatever had happened between us was not up for discussion, ensuring our privacy was respected. It felt like she’d died, she was that lost to me. I think it would have hurt less if she had died.
When I returned to my flat I found a letter from her dated the day I’d left for Afghanistan.
Dear Neil,
This is terribly hard for me to say, but I have to. I release you. You’re free of anything you ever promised to me about us. I understand your situation and accept what you have to do about it. But, in order for me to survive it, I have to let you go. It’s the only way I can manage to get on with my life, and I ask for you to do the same with me. Let me go. Don’t come for me or try to change my mind. This is how it has to be now.
Goodbye, Neil, and please know that I’ll be wishing for you great success in all that you do, and praying for your safe return home wherever and whenever that may be.
