I pull my focus back. All of that is just sophistry. I rub my eyes then slide my fingers up to my temples.
“Let’s take this step by step. Your mother called Imogen because she didn’t know you’d split. But why hadn’t you told your family? Were you expecting to get back with her?”
“No. I just didn’t want to upset them. They’d already accepted her as family. And the longer I left it, the harder it became. I was going to tell them about us when all this happened.”
Can I really criticise him for his emotional cowardice? He didn’t want to upset people he cared about. Which is precisely why I didn’t tell him about Piotr. We are guilty of the same offence.
I move on. “The point is your ex-girlfriend came to help your family. Nobody does that if they don’t have an ulterior motive.”
“Ye-ah.” Anders scratches the spot beside his nose. “But everyone has an ulterior motive,” he says.
He’s infuriating.
“She wants to get back with you,” I spell it out for him.
For the first time, Anders looks uncomfortable.
“Yes,” he admits.
I knew it.
“Is that why you’ve been weird?” he says.
“Weird?”
“Since I got back.”
I havenotbeen weird; I’ve been worried. “I’m not a mind reader, Anders. I don’t know what’s going on in your head. I don’t know what she said. I don’t know what you thought unless you tell me. And you haven’t told me.”
I pause. “And if that’s what you think is weird, then so be it.”
“What did you think was going on?” he says, his voice quiet.
“I don’t know.” I say the words on a sigh, letting him hear my mix of despair and hope and confusion.
“Okay.” His head drops back and he closes his eyes. “Okay. What do you want to know?”
“What did she want?” Isn’t that obvious?
“You’ve already said it. She wanted to get back with me.” I knew it.
“What did you say?”
“I said, ‘I’m sorry. I’m with this wonderful, passionate, gorgeous woman now, and she wouldn’t like that.’”
“I wouldn’t like it,” I say. “But it doesn’t really matter what I want. It matters whatyouwanted.”
“Cora, I wanted you. I want you now. Is that enough?”
I shake my head. “Nope. You were with her for years. Do you expect me to believe you just switched those feelings off?”
“Of course I didn’t switch those feelings off. I still care about Imogen a lot. But she was offering me a future where she had to sacrifice her career, and I had to sacrifice you.”
He pauses. Long enough for his words to penetrate. Long enough for despair to ebb.
“It seemed clear to me that deep down inside neither of us wanted to make those sacrifices. Imogen’s original impulse was correct. She doesn’t want children.”
He looks at me steadily.
