He wasn’t coming, and he never would.
I tried dialing Julie’s number, but got no response from her either. A sob wracked my body as I dialed Marie’s number. “Please,” I whispered as the phone rang. “Please . . .” As soon as I heard her voice mail message start playing, I disconnected the call.
I stood up on weak legs, and walked back toward the house slowly. I thought I would pass out from fear when I opened the front door and peered in.
Peter was still on the floor in the family room, but he was sleeping now. The house was a complete disaster. Glasses were broken, framed photos were thrown from every surface, and lamps were overturned. It was even worse than last Christmas.
I tiptoed to my room, grabbing anything of importance and throwing it into a duffel bag. I left the house faster than I ever had before. Pure adrenaline was coursing through me as I ran the two miles to Tostela to get my car.
I started driving away from town with no destination in mind. I would never come back here. I was starting a new life, with or without Jackson.
I had no idea how long I had been on the road when my phone started to ring, interrupting “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson, which I’d been blasting through the speakers. I didn’t even look to see who it was before I rolled down the window and threw the phone out across the highway. I couldn’t let myself be let down again.
This would be the last time I ever let Jackson hurt me.
Chapter 36
NOW
July
Iran back to the house as soon as I heard Sophie yell at Jackson. I really thought she was going to kill me, but she just grabbed Jackson’s arm and pulled him toward the car.
I couldn’t even finish painting; I was too shaken up. I drove down to Detroit with shaky legs and sat on a bench along the riverfront, watching cars drive back and forth on the Ambassador Bridge. For a while, I wondered if I should drive to Canada—have that be where I start my new life.
I walked up and down the sidewalk, quickly realizing that was a crazy idea. I didn’t need a new country. I stopped to pet people’s dogs, and to make small talk with the people lounging on the grass. It helped lighten the concavity I felt in my chest.
It was a breezy day with the sun behind the clouds, and I laid down on the grass with my eyes closed, letting my hair blow back and forth across my face. I could feel bugs crawling over my arms and legs, but I didn’t squirm. I enjoyed every sensation my body was feeling.
I was going to be okay. I had been hurt before and I had survived. I didn’t need anyone but myself. I had always been fine—had always pushed through.
I would finish the house and fly back to North Carolina. I’d stay there until I made a decision about what to do with my life. Even if I wasn’t with Jackson, or living with Wren and Mia, I could still build a happy life for myself.
I wanted Wren and Mia now. I wanted my favorite kind of hug, where I’d hold Mia in my arms and Wren would squeeze both of us. Mia was so big now; I couldn’t remember the last time I had even picked her up. Just because I wasn’t going to be nannying her for much longer, that didn’t mean I wouldn’t still have them in my life—I knew that. That fact calmed me; that I had stumbled across them one random day, and would get to have them forever, no matter what.
I could live without Peter. My brother had always acted like he hated me, but now I knew deep down that he’d loved me, even though he could never show it. I hoped he was at peace now, somewhere in the sky with his dad again, no longer fighting the demons he suffered from. I wanted him to know I forgave him.
I could continue to live without my mom. That relationship had been nonexistent for most of my life, and I never really needed her anyways. I never missed her like Peter did, because we had been raised so differently; I never even got the chance to get to know her the way he had. I don’t think she ever forgave me for being the product of her infidelity.
I thought of Julie and Marie next. The way Marie would call me honey, and Julie would hug me tight like I was her sister. It felt like I was losing them all over again, and I let myself grieve that loss. I wouldn’t get back what I had with that family, and even though it hurt, I had lived without them before. I never even knew what lovetruly felt like until I met the Delvecchios, but now that I’d found that love once, I knew I could find it again.
I could live without Jackson, too. I had been without him all this time; I knew I didn’t need him to be happy. But it didn’t mean I didn’t stillwanthim. Either way, I knew I was going to be okay.
I sat up in the grass. It was dusk now, and the trail had grown quiet. I pulled my hair back in a low bun and watched the sky change colors.
I couldn’t see the sun setting behind me, but I could feel it. That was all I really needed in this moment. I could pretend this wasn’t the end again, because I couldn’t see it. But it was, whether I was ready or not.
I drove home with the windows down, my arms prickling with goose bumps from the chill.
I climbed into my old bed with its fresh sheets, ignoring the Delvecchios’ polo I’d cleaned and folded neatly on my nightstand. I went to bed feeling at ease.
***
In the morning, I wasn’t surprised to find Jackson standing on the front porch, hands in his pockets.
He looked like he hadn’t slept at all. There were blue rings under his bloodshot eyes, and his dark hair was mussed like he had repeatedly run his fingers through it. He motioned for me to come outside, and we sat side by side on the front porch. I tucked my knees under my chin, watching as ants crawled between the cracks on the sidewalk.
“I should’ve told you everything before,” he whispered.
