Dan had always said his concern was for Nora: she’d been having panic attacks while she was in the band, especially when she got anywhere near a stage. But the concern had been at least a little manipulative, now she thought about it.
‘I thought,’ he was saying now, ‘that you were starting to trust me again.’
‘Trust you? Dan, why wouldn’t I trust you?’
‘You know why.’
‘Of course I know why,’ she lied. ‘I just want to hear you say it.’
‘Well, since the stuff with Erin.’
She stared at him like he was a Rorschach inkblot in which she saw no clear image.
‘Erin? The one I was speaking to tonight?’
‘Am I going to be beaten up for ever about one stupid drunken moment?’
On the street outside, the wind was picking up, howling through trees as if attempting a language.
This was the life she had been in mourning for. This was the life she had beaten herself up for not living. This was the timeline she thought she had regretted not existing in.
‘One stupid mistake?’ she echoed.
‘Okay, two.’
It was multiplying.
‘Two?’
‘I was in a state. You know, the pressure. Of this place. And I was very drunk.’
‘You had sex with someone else and it doesn’t seem you have been seeking much ... atonement.’
‘Seriously, why drag all this up? We’ve been through this. Remember what the counsellor said. About focusing on where we want to go rather than where we have been.’
‘Do you ever think that maybe we just aren’t right for each other?’
‘What?’
‘I love you, Dan. And you can be a very kind person. And you were great with my mum. And we used to – I mean, wehavegreat conversations. But do you ever feel that we passed where we were meant to be? That we changed?’
She sat down on the edge of the bed. The furthest corner away from him.
‘Do you ever feel lucky to have me? Do you realise how close I was to leaving you, two days before the wedding? Do you know how messed up you would have been if I hadn’t turned up at the wedding?’
‘Wow. Really? You have yourself in quite high esteem there, Nora.’
‘Shouldn’t I? I mean, shouldn’t everyone? What’s wrong with self-esteem? And besides, it’s true. There’s another universe where you send me WhatsApp messages about how messed up you are without me. How you turn to alcohol, although it seems like you turn to alcoholwithme too. You send me texts saying you miss my voice.’
He made a dismissive noise, somewhere between a laugh and a grunt. ‘Well, right now, I am most definitely not missing your voice.’
She couldn’t get beyond her shoes. She found it hard – maybe impossible – to take off another item of clothing in front of him.
‘And stop going on about my drinking.’
‘If you are using drink as an excuse for screwing someone else, I can go on about your drinking.’
‘I am a country landlord,’ scoffed Dan. ‘It’s what country landlords do. Be jovial and merry and willing to partake in the many and manifold beverages we sell. Jeez.’
