Meredith Ryan was beginning to believe there was something about her that made her inherently forgettable. Her parents had turned her out of their house without a backward glance. When she wouldn’t get an abortion, Jamie had dropped her for Veronica Sanger. And now Gray, whom she’d given the whole of her heart, had no memory of her at all. Maybe the universe felt that this was no worse than she deserved.
And while it seemed like Gray wanted to get to know her now, she couldn’t help but feel that there were too many reasons he shouldn’t be with her. He didn’t have to choose her again, and, given the state of things, Meredith couldn’t bet that he would.
Maybe that was a lack of faith on her part, but she needed him to make his own decisions. He didn’t remember her, so she couldn’t cling to the edge of his hospital bed, hoping against hope that he’d choose her again. Considering all their differences — he was older, successful, worldly, educated, and free — it was hard to believe he’d ever chosen someone like her in the first place, and that made it hard to imagine he’d do it again. She was just starting school, not even twenty years old — with a child, and about as worldly as Kimmy Schmid, thanks to her parents.
Before his surgery, Meredith had let herself believe that Gray was her destiny. But now that he didn’t know her, it felt as though the last few weeks may as well have existed only in her daydreams. She knew their time had been real, but what if it was just a fluke? In the weeks she’d been with him, she’d been the only woman to enter his world, after all. Meredith had thanked God almost every moment that he’d come through the surgery and he would, with or without memories of her, be okay. But now that he was better, he wouldn’t be stuck at home, dependent on the help of other people for transportation or company. Gray Blakewood could have any woman on the planet.
She’d be a fool to think he’d pick her again.
And yet, when she closed her eyes and thought about the man she loved, the one who’d told her only days before that, no matter what happened, he belonged to her, the longing she felt was like the blade of a sabre, piercing her slow and deep and forever.
She missed that man. The one who kept her talking on the phone while she walked alone. The one who teased her about singing in his kitchen. The one who drew her a bath and soaped each of her toes after a hard day. She missed him as if she could die of it.
And that was too much to lay on someone who looked at her like a stranger. She couldn’t expect that he’d beat a path back to that, so she had retreated. And in order not to drive herself crazy with longing, she had to make herself busy.
Now.
Meredith pushed herself up from the air mattress. A routine. She and Oscar needed to stick to some sort of routine. By the time she and Brooke moved into the apartment, Oscar would have slept in four different beds inside of two weeks. The least she could do would be to keep as many things the same as she could, which meant they needed to get dressed, get his milk, and go for a walk.
It was early, and Meredith didn’t want to wake Brooke and Penny, so, as quietly as she could, she pulled on yesterday’s jeans and — she couldn’t help it — Gray’s black sweater. The scent of wood smoke was torture, but there was also comfort in the reminder. The Gray of the past had ordered her to get dressed before paramedics could come in and find her in a bra. The Gray of the past loved her. The sweater was proof. And wearing it reminded her of what it felt like to have his love.
So, with the sweater surrounding her, she scooped up Oscar just as he was beginning to stir, and she carried him to the Cormier’s downstairs bathroom where she changed his diaper, dressed him, and bundled him in his jacket.
In the stroller with his sippy cup in hand, Oscar didn’t seem to mind at all that they strolled the avenues of Holden Heights instead of the familiar Saint Streets. But when they passed a yard where a German Shepherd barked gamely at them, the questions started.
“Where Juno and Wuwkin?” he asked, waving to the German Shepherd who looked like he wanted to play with them instead of scare them away.
The question shouldn’t have surprised her, but she hadn’t been expecting it, so it slammed hard into her heart.
“They’re at their house,” she said, forcing her voice to come out even.
“Wiff Gway?” Oscar voice lifted with his question, and the eagerness it carried slammed even harder.
She wasn’t about try to explain where Gray was, so she told a white lie. “Yes, with Gray,” she said, finding it possible — even soothing — to say his name aloud. Meredith ducked her chin into the neck of the sweater and inhaled Gray’s scent.
“Can we go dere?”
This time, her voice wasn’t so steady. “Um… not today, baby.”
“Tomorrow?”
Meredith swallowed hard. “We’ll see.”
Oscar was quiet for a minute, and then he said, almost to himself, “I wanna see da bid dogs.”
“I want to see Gray,” she admitted, under her breath.
Her phone pinged in her coat pocket. She pushed the stroller one-handed and reached for it. It wasn’t even seven in the morning. Had Brooke woken to find them gone? Again, Meredith’s best friend had swooped in to hold her world together after she’d left the hospital. By now, Meredith probably owed her a kidney. Or a Lexus. Or—
Her eyes fell on the screen, and her lungs froze.
Gray:Good morning, Meredith.
Seeing his text instantly conjured him. She heard his voice in the words — as though he were right there with her.
For the span of a second, hope got the best of her. She thought he might have remembered her. That he might love her again. But logic beat it back. If he had remembered, Meredith felt sure he wouldn’t say,“Good morning, Meredith.”If he loved her again, Gray would say something like,“Get over here.”
So Meredith’s thumb shook as it hovered over the screen because she didn’t know what to say.
