But what would happen in the morning? She’d be in Jamie’s bed tomorrow night.
What the hell am I doing?
“Gray,” she said again, but this time the pain of her heart breaking in two was all she felt. It killed her to push back from his chest. “I can’t… I can’t.”
He stilled around her. Gray didn’t let go, but she felt a kind of unsurprised resignation settle over his body.
“I know,” he whispered. But instead of releasing her, he held her tighter, brought his nose to her hair, and inhaled a slow, full breath. “Give me just one more minute.”
The ache in his voice made her throat close. She could only nod and squeeze him tighter. One minute. One minute to commit to memory the perfection of him. The perfection of them together.
She laid her cheek against his chest. After watching him stoke and tend the fire in his library, she knew exactly how he came to smell of wood smoke. Meredith grasped the front of his shirt and breathed him in.
“I’d be fair to you, Meredith,” he whispered against her ear. “I swear. I’d be more than fair.”
“What?” She pulled back to meet his eyes. The conflict she saw in them gripped her heart.
“If it’s the job — the reason you can’t — you can stay on as long as you want, whether you want to be with me or not.”
“I do want to be with y—”
“Hear me out,” he said, moving his hands to her shoulders and squeezing her gently. “If you want to work here and be with me, nothing would make me happier. If you only want me as your addle-brained boss, we’ll pretend this didn’t happen. I’ll never touch you again, but seeing you will still be the best part of my day.”
He was going to kill her. “Gray—”
“But if I’ve ruined this, and you can’t work for me anymore, I’ll give you the severance package of a lifetime. Six months’ wages. A year, if you’d rather.”
Meredith shook her head. “It’s not that. I want to stay. I mean… I like it here… and I like you. So much.Jesus,I’m such an idiot for saying that.” She hid her face in his chest, her cheeks flaming.
Gray pressed a kiss to her head. “I disagree,” he said, the smile in his voice curling around his words. It gave her enough courage to peer up at him again. His stricken look was gone. Now his eyes danced. She gazed into them for a long time, not wanting to say what needed to be said.
“My situation is complicated.” It was vague. She knew it was vague, but how could she explain the truth?
He brought a hand to her face and brushed his thumb over her cheek as if he hadn’t heard her. She watched his eyes study her face, and he said nothing. Then his thumb traced over her lips, and her breath shook.
“You’re so beautiful,” he told her. “I should probably tell you this now while I have the chance. So beautiful.”
When she was little, her mother and father told her she was pretty. When she met Jamie, he told her she was hot. No one had ever said she was beautiful.
But when Gray looked at her like that and touched her face with such tenderness, Meredith felt beautiful.
He had a point. If she couldn’t be with him now, she might never be. Surely, he’d move on, and the next woman to kiss Gray Blakewood would be someone who had her life together. She’d never let him go. So if this was the only moment Meredith would get, she had things to say, too.
“You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. Every time you even smile at me, my knees want to give,” she blurted, pushing her embarrassment aside. “And you’re always looking out for me. You’ve been so good to me. More than I deserve.”
Gray shook his head. “Not more. Not even close.” He palmed the back of her neck, a frown forming over his eyes. “And don’t talk like you’re leaving. I don’t want you to leave.”
She loved hearing him say that. It eased a little of the ache inside her. “I’m not leaving.”
“Good,” he said, his eyes brightening again. His gaze focused, and Meredith could see his wheels turning. “Is there anything we could do… to uncomplicate things?”
She groaned and covered her face with her hands.
“Tell me so I can help.”
Meredith turned away then, pulling out of his arms. Facing him was too shameful. She couldn’t come out and tell him that she let Jamie have his way with her to keep the peace. He already knew she slept in his bed, so he probably thought she was breaking a trust just by kissing him. Which made her seem almost as bad as she was.
“Meredith…” Gray clasped her fingers gently. “…sit down.”
