He paused, and the silence that followed seemed almost prescient. “Rainey, are youdriving?”
A nervous laugh left her. How could he tell? Was it just the tremor in her voice? The logic that Holi wouldn’t be driving? Or was it something elseentirely?
“Um… I don’t know if you could call it driving… I’m behind the wheel,” she offered. “I started the car and reversed out of the driveway, and now I’m just idling in the middle of the road in front of myhouse.”
“Wh-what?!” His startled chuckle sounded almost giddy. “Are youserious?”
“Yes,” she said, the corners of her mouth turning up just a little at hislaugh.
“Who’s with you? Are you driving Holi? Is sheokay?”
“U-uh,” she stammered. “Um… Holi’s in the house. It’s justme.”
“Rainey…” Awe replaced humor, and his voice came out hushed. “Oh, myGod.”
Her chest quaked, her breath coming out choppy. She was torn between the sound of his admiration and her own sense of paralysis. Rainey knew if she gave up now, Jacques would look at the step she’d taken as nothing less thantriumph.
But she would bedisappointed.
“I want to do this.” Her voice came out raw and uneven. “I just don’t know if Ican.”
“You can, baby. You can do anything.” The warmth and conviction in his voice wrapped around her like anembrace.
But its comfort couldn’t lift her limbs into action. Rainey let go a shakysigh.
“Talk to me,” heurged.
She bit her lip. “It’s like I’m frozen… or… I don’t know. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll be frozen,” she said, the words coming out in arush.
“Like you’ll pull into traffic and just stop?” he askedgently.
Rainey nodded and then spoke aloud. “Yes, likethat.”
“And you want to do this? Rightnow?”
She gritted her teeth against the swell of emotion. “Yes. My God, yes!” Tears blurred her vision. She dashed them away with a flick of her wrist, and she swallowed the unwelcome thickness in her throat. “I’m so tired of being stuck in one place. I’m so tired of being this… this…victimof my ownlife.”
“Rainey—”
She interrupted his consoling tone. “No, I’m twenty-three years old, and I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I have no goals. No plans. The only thing I’ve allowed myself to excel at is avoiding pain. Avoiding life. I need to do thisrightnow.”
“So do it.” Jacques’s voice carried a gentle insistence. “You’reready.”
Rainey blinked. She hadn’t expected him to urge her on — though Rainey should have known hewould.
“Wh-what if I freeze up and stall in the middle oftraffic?”
“Cars stall on the roads all the time. It’s no big deal,” he soothed. “Besides, I’ll stay on the line with you. If you stall, I’ll talk you through it. Do you have me onspeakerphone?”
Love — all-encompassing, all eclipsing — poured from the center of hersoul.
“Yes… Jacques—” she breathed, emotion swallowing her voice. Rainey placed the phone in her lap and gripped the steeringwheel.
“Is the car indrive?”
At his question, she swallowed, and with hands still shaking, she shifted into gear. At this achievement, she gave a great, shuddering sigh ofrelief.
“It is now,” she said, laughing and feeling slightlyhysterical.
