Annietsks.“You know what I mean.”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t. I like my job at the garage. I’m good at it.” This is true. I don’t have any secret aspiration to go to college and learn how to do something that would require a starched collar and a laptop. That kind of life was never meant for me, and it certainly isn’t now. “And you and Grandma are really all that matters to me.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I taste their falsehood. Evie matters to me. Her happiness… her safety… her needs.
A new fantasy emerges. One in which I’m not the villain, but still an outlaw. A vigilante who stands guard, in secret, at her door while she sleeps, keeping her safe from anyone who would harm her. Anyone unworthy. A sentinel who is gone by morning...
“But that’s what I mean.”
I feel like a dog on a leash, jerked away from this path that leads nowhere. We’ve come to the light at Johnston and South College, and, still lost in my head, I turn to look at my sister. Her eyes are pleading.
“Drew, that’s not enough. That’s not enough to build a life on.”
I stare at her. Build a life? She’s not even twenty years old. Where does she get this stuff?
“Don’t look at me like that,” she scolds. I face the road in time to see the light change. “I’ve been worried about you for almost as long as I can remember. I just want you to be safe and happy, okay?”
Even without seeing her, I can hear the strain in her voice. It stuns me. I mean, yeah, I know she wants me to be safe. To be happy. But I never imagined she worried over it. The realization has me frowning.
“I’m safe, Annie,” I say softly.
“But are you h-happy?” The strain in her voice has become a catch. I glance over at her to see her lips pressed tightly together, but the quiver in them is unmistakable.
Oh, Jesus. Don’t cry.
How do I explain to her that happiness doesn’t factor for me? After what I let happen to Anthony, I cannot live a happy life. I can know moments of joy. I can be happy for other people. But the best I can ask for myself is to live in peace.
“I’m satisfied with what I have.”
Annie lets that hang in the air for about five seconds. “And why don’t you want more? Better?”
I know I shouldn’t say it. It’ll only upset her. But I can’t help it. “Because Anthony doesn’t have better.”
“Drew.”I can’t look at her, but I can sense she’s completely deflated beside me. Her voice is the sound of heartbreak.
I just drive. It’s all I can manage. Signal. Take the turning lane at St. Julien. Wait for the green arrow. While we are at the intersection, though, Annie’s hand settles on my forearm.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
I choke out a mirthless laugh. Annie knows the whole story. And she’s lived with Ma her entire life. She knows it’s my fault. She knows as well as I do.
“I’m not saying what you and Anthony did wasn’t wrong. You know it was wrong,” she says. And even though her voice is soft, it’s steady. “But youbothknew. Neither of you expected what happened to happen, but he wasn’t inno—”
I pull my arm from her touch. “Stop.”
She ignores me. “He wasn’t innocent.”
When I turn onto St. Joseph Street, I have to force myself to go the speed limit. We seem to crawl over the three blocks. I pull into Grandma’s driveway and kill the engine. I stare straight ahead at the house, unable to look at my sister.
“Thanks for your help.” And I’m out of the car.
It’s late afternoon. I should go check on Grandma, but I’m about to lose it. I need to be alone so I can get a grip.
Behind me, I hear Annie’s door open.
“Drew, why won’t you listen to me? He wouldn’t want this for you,” she calls after me. “Anthony would want you to be happy.”
I can still hear her even after I clear the side of the house. I’m glad the wrought iron stairs make such racket as I jog up them so I don’t have to focus on Annie telling me how much my brother would want me to live enough for both of us.
