A small shock runs through me. Not at the truth of his words but at the contrast they draw. “What I felt for Ronni doesn’t even come close. Nothing does.”
He gives me a gentle smile. “I’m happy for you,hermano.”
“Yeah. Me too,” I say, nodding. “And I don’t want to fuck it up.”
“Right,” Cesar says, frowning now. I can see I have his full attention, and he’s done joking around. “So, what would telling her do? You think she’d want to take the morning after pill or something?”
My eyes bug out of my head.“¡Puta madre!” I hadn’t even considered that. I stare at Cesar, and he stares back. “I have no idea.”
I sit back in the chair, shaken. Would Millie want that? When she told me that she’d lost a baby, I could tell by the pain in her face it was a baby she’d wanted. But that baby belonged to another man. That Carter asshole. She’d wanted Carter’s baby.
But would she want mine?
A sudden ache in my middle hollows me out. What if she doesn’t? I shut my eyes. Because on the other side of that hollowed out ache is a longing I can’t even let myself touch.
I want to give Millie babies.
I want her to want my babies.
I grip my forehead and rub it with violence. “Fuck,” I mutter.
“Talk to me,compañero,”Cesar coaxes, his serious gaze softening with concern.
I shake my head. “I have to tell her.”
He rears back, scowling his surprise. “You’d let her do that? Take that pill, I mean?”
It would fucking gut me to do it, but I can’t admit that out loud. My mouth already feels like it’s full of ashes. “I’d have to give her the choice.”
“But I thought you said you loved her?” he asks, incredulous.
“I do.”
Cesar shrugs. “So why not just wait? If she turns upembarazada,marry her.”
The temptation to do just that is an anaconda coiling around my chest. I give a brutal shake of my head. “No. She’s had almost no choice since her parents died.” I think about everything she’s already committed to. Everything she’s given up. Ten more years of raising her siblings. I can’t be the one who takes any more free will from her. “Whatever happens has to be her decision.”
Cesar picks up his phone, and I study him with a frown. After swiping and tapping for a few seconds, he meets my eye and shows me the Google search results for the morning after pill. “Well, you have about three more days to tell her.”
* * *
I don’t sleepTuesday night. I wanted to talk to Millie—in person—but the Lions had an away game in Barbe. An hour away. Knowing the late night and the demands of getting everyone home, fed, and finished with homework would have meant that we probably couldn’t have talked until nearly ten.
That isn’t how I want this talk to go.
The team has a home game tonight, and it starts at four. It’ll be done by five-thirty, so maybe we can talk by eight. I’ve already asked Millie if I can come by, and she invited me to join her at the game as soon as my crews finished up.
I’m not gonna tell her no. Like ever.
By the time I get to the field, the sun has set, and the game is underway. Mami, Papi, and Abuela are sitting in the stands next to the Delacroixes. It’s cold, so I’m surprised to see them, but when my mother and grandmother spot me approaching, their knowing smiles tell me all I need to know.
They aren’t here to watch the game. They want a front row seat to Millie and me.
I kiss Mami and Abuela on the cheek and give my father a stiff nod. He nods back, but we haven’t spoken since I hung up on him. Mami’s eyes narrow at our chilly greeting, but she says nothing. If she wants an explanation, she’s going to have to ask him. I couldn’t explain his attitude if I tried.
“You’re not too cold, Abuela?” I ask in Spanish.
She shakes her shawl covered head. She raises her arms under the blanket wrapped around her.“Inez me compró calentadores de manos deAcademy.”
