The other part of me is so damn glad she hasn’t.
Because I’m not sure when it happened, but I need to see her. And if I don’t see her, I need to know she’s okay.
Right now, she’s just three feet away from me. So I know she’s okay. Stressed out, as usual, but okay. So I don’thaveto look. I just want to.
I’m gripping the metal bleachers, ready to bend them like The Incredible Hulk I want to look so bad. Thank God the game is starting. Thank God for Emmett. That kid is a killer distraction. He can talk my ear off for the next hour and a half if he wants to.
And I know if he’s talking to me, he’s giving her some much-needed peace. Which means I’m giving her some peace. I don’t know when this happened either, but I’d give her anything she wanted.
“Idon’twant this.”
I have to believe her. Not believing would disrespect her, and I won’t let anyone disrespect her. Least of all me. But when I close my eyes and let myself fall back into that kiss—and I have about a thousand times—I know what I felt.
Certainty. Clarity. Unity.
In that perfect, self-contained three minutes of history, we wanted the exact same thing. That time—that world—may not exist now, but it existed then. It was real. I didn’t imagine it.
If I don’t believe that, I think I’ll lose my shit. Because I was there. And if that wasn’t real, nothing is real.
So I have to hold these two opposing beliefs—Millie didn’t want it and Millie did—in my head. Every waking minute of the day. Because if I don’t, I’ll either lose my mind or lose control.
“I need a piss,” Emmett announces, bouncing in his seat and jerking me from my fucked up thoughts.
“Emmett!” Millie practically chokes. “Language.”
“Sor-ry,” he says, sounding anything but sorry. “I need the bathroom.” He gets to his feet.
“I’ll go with you,” Millie says, moving to rise.
Emmett scowls. “No, I’m not a baby.”
“Of course, you’re not a baby, but…” Millie’s words dry up, and her gaze flicks to mine. A tell. She doesn’t want to lose Emmett as a buffer.
I stand. “I’ll take him.” I’ll take him to the bathroom, and then I’ll go stand on the sidelines. Leave her alone.
Emmett’s face falls.“Youthink I’m a baby?” he accuses, sounding betrayed.
“No,jefe,I just…” Nowmywords have dried up.
Mattie shoots to her feet. “Well, I actually need the bathroom.” She looks down at her little brother, all pissy attitude gone. “Will you be a gentleman and escortmeto the bathroom.”
Emmett screws up his face, but when she moves, he follows. “Why doyouneed an escort to the bathroom?”
“Just come with me, okay?” They move down the length of the bleachers, their argument hanging in the air behind them. I can’t help but feel Mattie’s doing this on purpose. To leave Millie and me alone together.
I chance a quick glance at Millie, and she’s frowning at her lap.
I want to tell her I’m sorry. Not for the kiss. I’ll never be sorry for that. The memory of it is my most valuable possession.
But I’m sorry I’ve made her uncomfortable. I pray I haven’t made her afraid.
That thought spurs my tongue. “I’m sorry—”
“I need to apologize—” she says at the same time.
We look at each other. Really look at each other for the first time in a week. She looks miserable. I’m sure I do too.
I shake my head. “Don’t apologize.Youdid nothing wrong.” I will bear all the blame. All the shame. None of that will touch her.
