“I can’t.” My throat is so tight now the words come out in a rough rasp. “I can’t leave, Iris.”
Her brows draw together, and she searches my face with a kind of desperation that physically hurts me to see. “Why not?”
“My mom,” I say, not looking away. “I can’t disappear on her. She wouldn’t understand.”
Iris shuts her eyes and drops her forehead to her hand. “Oh my God. I’m so stupid—”
“You’re not,” I protest, reaching for her chin and bringing her gaze back to me. “Of course not.”
Her eyes are sad and weighted with guilt. “No, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about that. I know she’s not okay, I just—” She shakes her head in self-admonishment. “I was just thinking about what I wanted.”
I give her a half-smile even though I’m as sad as I’ve ever been. “You’re allowed to do that, Iris.” And then I confess. “It’s what I’d love to do.”
The guilt leaves her eyes, making room for the smallest of smiles. “It is?”
I nod quickly. “I love living here, Iris, but I love you so much more.” It’s the truth. If Mom weren’t sick or if Val lived closer, I wouldn’t think twice. I’d give my notice to my principal and leap with both feet. But my mom needs me. I can’t abandon her like my father did. I can’t just disappear from her life when she’s lost everything else.”
I know what this means, but I can tell by the look on Iris’s face she doesn’t. She doesn’t see that we don’t have a future. She doesn’t yet understand that we’re about to break each other’s hearts.
But instead of breaking my heart, Iris steals my breath.
“I’ll just have to move here.”
* * *
I’m still on-set.It’s been almost two hours since we finished the dance scene, but no one’s told me to leave, so I’m staying. I don’t know if I could move if I had to.
The studio is using the chapel on the grounds to reshoot a scene where Raven vanquishes a basilisk. The first version took place on a set, but when Jonathan saw the historic chapel with its white, high-backed pews, he reimagined the whole scene.
I’m watching from the back steps, out of sight from the cameras. I should be lighter than air at the thought that the woman I love wants to stay in my life. But my guts feel like lead.
Because Iris is really good.
Her timing. Her inflection. Her expressions. Her energy.
Whenever Jonathan callsCutand gives her any kind of correction, Iris is quick to implement it. Perfectly. Nothing I’ve watched today has needed more than two takes, but most of the time, the corrections have been for Iris’s fellow actors or a technical issue.
This movie may be marketed to tweens, but it could put her on the map. She could be in demand like never before.
I swallow nausea.
Footsteps behind me make me turn. Ramon gives me a silent wave and sits beside me.
“Any indication they’ll wrap up soon?” he asks in a whisper. We should be out of range for the mics inside the building, but we don’t take any chances.
“I can’t tell,” I whisper back. “It took them a while to set up the shot where she opens her spell book. Something about a glare coming off the pages.”
Ramon just nods. His stare shifts from view through the window back to me. “You okay?”
I sigh through my nose. “Let me ask you something, Ramon.”
“Sure,” he says on a shrug.
I quietly clear my throat and choose my words carefully. “Can actors live anywhere they want? Anywhere in the world?”
He blinks. “What do you mean? Like when they aren’t working?”
“I guess, yeah.”
