“True.” She angles her head to the side. “So you either play to lose or don’t play at all. What’s up with that?”
I shut my eyes. Even saying it—thinking it—feels like base-jumping. A total free fall.
I shrug. “It’s safer that way.” Behind my closed eyes, memories flash like a kaleidoscope. Dad packing his bags. Mom literally on her knees begging him not to go. Dad telling Tyler and me, at ten years old, about his plans to take us to False River for the weekend and teach us how to water ski—and then canceling that Friday morning. My sixteenth birthday and the tickets toWickedthat ended up in the trash. Mom practically collapsing when I told her I was pregnant, doubling the weight I already felt on my shoulders. Both of them hovering in the ICU doorway while I sat at Tyler’s bedside, as though if they got too close, they’d be stuck there.
“I learned the best way to keep from getting hurt is to expect nothing. And dammit—” My voice breaks on the curse. “It still hurts.”
When I open my eyes, I see pride in my best friend’s.
I sigh. “Why are you looking at me like that? This really sucks.”
Pen throws her head back with a laugh. “It be like that sometimes.”
“What?” I ask, glaring.
“Awakening.” Her smile is just promising enough that I don’t tit-punch her.
“Mmm hmm. So what’s the benefit of realizing that I’ve been sabotaging all of my romantic relationships my whole adult life?”
“Change.” She offers it like a lifeline. It’s a fucking tempting lifeline.
And it’s also as scary as if she offered me a cobra.
I blow out a breath. “I guess that means I need to let Lark go.” And, yeah, I’ll admit it. The disappointment is there. I feel it from my tear ducts down to my toes. Like I’m in a full-body vice.
Pen’s look of pride quick-changes to one of horror.“What?! Why?!”
Her one-eighty stuns me.
“I-I-I… I mean, doesn’t that make sense?”
“No.” She still looks horrified and more than a little confused.
I’m confused too. “B-b-b-but—If I’ve only been picking guys who are all wrong for me, who disqualify themselves from the wordGo,who have zero staying power, wouldn’t Lark fall into that category?”
She shakes her head. “Stella,no.”
I side-eye her. “Pen, he’s five years younger than me.”
“So?”
I add a frown to the side-eye. “He’s still in college.”
“So?”
“He just got out of a long-term relationship.”
“S—” She holds up a hand to interrupt herself and nods as though the spirit guides are whispering in her ear. “Okay, that one’s more valid, but not a dealbreaker.”
I stare at her, dumbfounded. Then I shake my head. “You’re telling me… that letting things happen with Lark…is a good choice?”
Pen draws her palms together in a prayer position and perches her chin atop them. She stares and blinks. Stares and blinks. Then she full-on closes her eyes.
I wait.
And wait.
And wait.
