If I wasn’t hearing them, it was Mom’s words that kept circling my head like a shark.Promise me you won’t set up another girl for heartbreak and humiliation.
If somebody else broke Stella’s heart and humiliated her, I’d want to slit his throat.
And none of that has changed. Yet, here I am, on top of her. Bound and determined to make love to her.
Jesus, I’m such an asshole.
Stella bites her bottom lip, and I’m sure she can read the guilt and self-loathing on my face. But she surprises me.
“Pen… Pen says I have to take risks if I want to break old patterns,” she blurts. And I can’t help my smile because the bravery I saw moments ago out on her back porch blazes in her eyes again. Its light is that much more sublime because it’s there despite her fear.
She is phenomenal. My Stella.
But my surge of pride is quickly swallowed up by something cold and bottomless. “And you’re willing to take that risk with me?”
I don’t deserve this.
I’m going to ruin this.
Stella’s chest swells on her inhale and her smile seems to surprise even her. “I am.”
Fear makes a deep dive into my intestines. “Even if it doesn’t work out?”
Her bottom lip disappears again, but she nods, her eyes shining.
If I weren’t already lying on top of her, I’d get on my knees. Because. I. Do. Not. Deserve. This.
I don’t deserve her.
I don’t deserve her trust.
And, yet, I can’t make myself leave.
And I can’t let either one of us off the hook. Inside, I twist like a fish at the end of a spear. I should just come out and say it.
I’ll never ask you to marry me. Can you live with that?
“How can you be sure?” I ask, instead, like the fucking coward I am.
And to my surprise, she doesn’t pull away. Her smile doesn’t slip at all. She doesn’t take my question for the veiled warning that it is.
“Because,” she says, her voice warm like melted butter. “In twenty-eight years, I haven’t been willing to take this risk with anyone. You’re the first.”
I close my eyes, absorbing the blow of her words. The heavenly-fucking-damning blow.
Because even if I had a shadow of a chance to walk away before, that has burned clean away.
I kiss her, the soft, hungry welcome of her mouth making me feel claimed. It’s long and heated, and it only feels half-fulfilled when I break it, panting.
“I don’t deserve you.”
Stella’s fingers are tangled in my hair. She grips tightly, the look in her eyes searing, sure. “We’ll see.”
And I’m done holding back. I plunder her with my kiss, loving the way her legs wrap around mine. One of her hands has left my hair and shoved its way up under the ridiculous black tunic Pen put me in. Though considering how much of my skin it exposes to enjoy Stella’s touch, it might not be so ridiculous after all.
I want to touch her everywhere without giving her too much of my weight, so I roll us to our sides, cradling her to me with one arm and free to roam with the other. My right hand glides down the dip of her waist and over the curve of her hip. I want to duck under her orange skirt and never come back, but I’ll take my time.
There’s no need to rush. Not tonight.
