He’s not listening. In fact, he’s pushing me—albeit gently—off his lap. He shakes his head again, slowly. “What if we made a mistake?”
My twisting heart plunges, and I taste panic at the back of my throat.
I want to shriek. Hecan’tbe having doubts about this now. It’s too late.
And also too early.
We’re in this. All three of us. Invested up to our teeth. Not just financially. All the way down to our bones. It’s definitely too late to turn back.
But it’s also too soon to even consider that we’ve failed. We’re still on schedule to open in the spring. Sure, we’ve had some unexpected discoveries about the place that didn’t factor into our planning and budgeting. But we’re okay.
That’s one thing that I’m grateful to Zach for. The budget he’s drafted is responsible, and he’s meticulous every week about balancing our business accounts. So far, we aren’t going to be over budget. And living on-site is saving us a bundle.
Which is great since it sure has its drawbacks.
Mortifying ones.
The unwelcome memory of Zach and his damn headlamp spotlighting me on the toilet sends a shudder down my spine.
Don’t think about that now. Don’t think about that EVER.
I suck in a deep breath. “Change is scary, Josh. It’s normal to get cold feet when you make a move like this.”
Josh’s eyes are still shut. He jams his elbows onto his knees and hides his face. Defeat is written all over his profile. I lay a gentle hand on his back, trying to be supportive, but inside my head, all I can hear is:
No. No. No. No.
He swallows hard, and when he speaks, my boyfriend's voice is strangled with emotion. “I just don’t think I have what it takes.”
Well, you’d better find it.
I bite back the words because he’s too fragile to hear them. Yet my own frustration is just beneath the surface.
I know that’s selfish of me. And mixed with that frustration and impatience is a healthy dose of guilt. Because I know that Josh isn’t choosing to feel this way.
I inhale through my nose. “Talk to me, baby.”
He’s quiet for a long time. His own inhales and exhales are faster than mine. More agitated. I know instinctively that he needs to slow them. Lengthen his exhales. Breath with his belly.
I also know he won’t take that advice from me.
His mouth opens. A wet sound is all that comes out. I wait.
“It’s… It’s all I can do to get out of bed in the morning.”
I frown at this. Because, sure, I’ve expected that being here and beginning the work on our project would lift his spirits and bring back the Josh I met two and a half years ago, and that hasn’t happened.
But I also haven’t seen abject depression either.
“Really?” And I want to kick myself because I’m not using the tools I’ve learned in my grad program. “Tell me more. Because what I’ve seen is you working hard to take this place where we’ve planned to go.”
Josh peers over his hands, surprised at first. Then his brows lower. “That’s just because ofZach.”The way he says his best friend’s name has me blinking back shock. There’s so much bitterness, I’m surprised my eyes don’t burn.
I narrow my gaze at him. “You’re working just as hard as Zach is.”
True, Zach may be bigger than Josh. He’s probably stronger too. But what does that matter? They’re both giving their all.
Josh’s eyes become slits. “That’s not what I mean.”
