“Gotta admit, you picked a good one,” Sydney said, reaching for her own cup. She smiled at Frankie and repositioned herself so she was facing her with her legs crossed, pulling the blanket over her lap. “I really like Jules.”
“I really like her too.”
“I think you more thanlikeher…”
Frankie’s cheeks flamed and she tried to hide the way that observation made her feel. It was true, but she knew it was too early to say it and there was something in keeping it to herself for a while longer, letting the truth of it live inside of her, that made it feel all the more special.
She’d never been in love before and getting to experience just for herself, for now, wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
“We’ve spent too much time talking about me since you got here,” Frankie said, changing the subject. She sipped her coffee again then fixed her gaze on Sydney and studied her, trying to see if just a hard look would break her, would make her confess what she’d been keeping to herself, but Sydney remained unbothered.
“That’s because your life is way more interesting than mine.” Sydney motioned around the room and out the window. “Look at where you live. Look at your life.”
“And? What I’m doing now, where I’m at in my career and who I’m dating doesn’t mean your life and what you’re doing doesn’t matter or isn't interesting.”
Sydney pressed a thumb and index finger together and squinted. “Ehhhhh, it does a little bit.”
“Hey, come on, be real with me for a minute. What’s up with you, why did you really fly all the way out here?”
A sigh escaped Sydney’s lips and she set her coffee mug back on the coaster. Frankie’s eyes dropped to her hands and the way her fingers were toying with a loose thread on the cuff of the long sleeve thermal knit shirt she was wearing.
“A teammate and I, we…” Sydney inhaled deeply and looked over Frankie’s shoulder out the window. “We started sleeping together last summer and things got intense fast. She’s not out to anyone so we’ve been sneaking around for months now and I would never pressure anyone to come out when they aren’t ready or risk anyone’s career if they fear losing it but…” Their eyes met again and Sydney’s were full of a kind of sadness Frankie couldn’t ever remember seeing in them. “I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want her and it feels like we’re going in circles.”
“Oh, Syd,” Frankie said, scooting closer to Sydney on the couch. She put her hand on Sydney’s arm and gave it a gentle, reassuring rub. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?”
A stray tear slipped out of Sydney’s eye and rolled down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away and laughed a little. “Because your life was already changing so much and you had so much going on. I didn’t want to be a bother or a burden.”
On hearing that, Frankie put her own coffee cup on the table then gripped Sydney’s arm and tugged her into a tight hug. “You would never be a burden to me,” she said, holding onto her best friend tightly. “You’re my sister.”
“I know I should cut things off with her now and save myself the heartbreak but my heart will still break when the inevitable happens anyway,” Sydney mumbled against Frankie’s shoulder.
When they eventually pulled out of the embrace and Sydney wiped her eyes again, Frankie’s own eyes softened as she took in her best friend's crestfallen features. It was another mountain to climb as a queer woman – falling for someone who wasn’t ready to come out and may very well never make that choice.
It could hurt like hell but it was almost a right of passage for some. Deciding to walk away never got easier but sometimes it was a decision that had to be made for the sake of your own healing and if you didn’t be the one to make the call, you’d never be able to move on with your life.
“Does anyone else on your team know?”
Sydney shook her head. “I never thought I’d get so good at playing pretend. Do you know how hard it is to keep my eyes from wandering to hers in every room we’re in together? How challenging it’s been to act normal around our friends when she comes up in conversation? I feel like I’m living a lie.”
Frankie sighed, recalling the ways in which she had to hide her own feelings for Jules before Jules knew, and the ways in which she was still having to hidethem now until they were ready to tell Cam together. Her situation wasn’t the same as Sydney’s but she could empathize.
“And you fell in love with her, didn’t you?”
“Yay me.”
“God, being gay sucks sometimes, huh?”
A loud burst of laughter slipped out of Sydney and soon Frankie was laughing so hard alongside her that she was crying and trying to catch her breath. With familiar ease, they slipped into recalling memories of the girls they dated in high school and college, the sneaking around they did with straight girls who weren’t all that straight, the immature drama that came with it all and the ways they once told their ex girlfriends how they’d be together forever.
Obviously that never happened but it was cathartic to think about where they’d once been and how far they’d come, even if things didn’t feel completely settled now.
Things would work out, one way or another, and Frankie did her best to make Sydney feel like she could rely on her when she needed a shoulder to lean on, even from all the way on the other side of the ocean.
Chapter 31
“We should do this more often,” Jules said, sucking Frankie’s pulse point.
“If I didn’t have a job that took me out of town so often…” Frankie panted as Jules slid her hand underneath Frankie’s Halifax Harbour sweatshirt to palm her bare breast.
