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“I know you cannot love me back. I know, Marianne. I am well aware of what I have done to you.”
An expression of confusion crossed her features. “I was going to say, ‘I am not perfect!’ You think me perfect when I am not, Darius! Why do you always say such to me? And what is it that you believe you have done to me anyway?” She shook her head at him in question.
“I have done you wrong, Marianne. I wanted you, for so long. In my bed. To possess you. To have you. I wanted your body and your soul, so it has been for a very long time. You granted my greatest wishes when you married me and put all of that within my grasp. You gave all of yourself so freely. But I found I wanted more. More than I know you can give to me.”
“What do you want, Darius?”
“Something you do not have for me, but for another you have lost.”
“Love? You really want my love? Why do you not tell me to say it to you? I have waited for you to tell me to say the words, but you do not.”
She paused, just looking and waiting for him, her blue eyes blazing.
It made him wary. He wasn’t going to direct her on this. No. He would not. There would be no more telling her what to say, either. It hurt to do that now. He’d gambled with her and lost.
“Can you not tell me to say, ‘I love you?’” she asked. “I will give you that. I want to.”
“Not this time, dear one. Not this time.”
Tears spilled down her face. “Darius?”
“No!” he shouted. “I will not do that to you!”
“Do what? What have you done to me? I don’t understand you!” she wailed.
“Shhh.” He stroked her face, getting close up to her. “Oh, cara, it is all my fault. I coerced you—gave you no real choice in marrying me. I owned all the debt from your father for months. I planned for his eventual ruin. I called it in when you turned me down the first time. Knowing that you would be mine and I would have you finally, I did not care about the deception. Before I even knew what I was about, you had ensnared my heart in totality. I found myself in love with a woman who waited for me to tell her what to do, to say, to feel, and it quickly grew to be most unsatisfying…for my heart. I could tell you to say that you loved me, but I learned you cannot dominate a heart, Marianne. Those three words must be given freely to have meaning.” He felt his bottom lip begin to t
remble. “I am sorry for what I have done, but never sorry for loving you. Marianne, in my heart, you are master, and I am servant.” He kissed her on the forehead with one gentle kiss.
She was quiet a long time before she spoke, the silence engulfing them like a cloak. “I have to tell you something, Darius. The reason I am unworthy…the reason I am…as I am.”
“Unworthy?” How could she believe herself unworthy? “No, Marianne, please don’t say that—”
“—Darius, do you know why? Why I wanted your direction?”
“No, cara, I don’t. I just sensed it from you. And being so attracted, I was determined to have you for myself. I had to be the one to give you what you needed, and I was so desperate to win you, I would have done anything. Your father’s decline made it very easy for me, too easy, I know.”
He knew what he must ask. And he was afraid of her answer. And his heart hurt terribly. Still, he had to know. “Marianne, are you the way you are because of…Jonathan?”
Marianne gasped when the name crossed his lips. “Yes…it is because of him. He is the reason.” She got quiet again, the silence hanging, waiting for words.
Finally, she started to tell her story. “Jonathan…I failed him. I am responsible. I as good as killed him. His death is on me, and I confess it is a struggle. ’Tis why I walk on the headland sometimes, to remember him and beg his forgiveness. For my mistake.”
“Mistake?”
“Oh yes, the worst kind of error. My brother died because of me. Because of a decision I made. I was at fault, and he died for it. My whole family really.”
“Brother? Jonathan was your brother?” Darius thought his heart might leap out of his chest. Brother…He was her brother…
She nodded in reflection. “My baby brother. He was so beautiful.” She looked weary and very sad.
“I had no idea,” he breathed. “Darling, you are tired and have been through a frightening ordeal.” He kissed her ravaged hands reverently. “Your poor hands. Thank God they were able to pull you up. Precious, precious hands.” Drawing her into his arms, he found her shawl and covered her up with it. He savored the warmth of her body and the knowledge that she was safe with him now, that he had not lost her today. Thank you, God!
“Marianne, will you tell me about Jonathan? I would like to know, if you can bear to speak of him.”
Chapter Fifteen
Darius held on to Marianne, secure in his arms, and never wanted to let go. He listened to her story…
