I still had no idea what was at the top. And just when I felt I couldn’t go on any longer, I could hear something. The distinctive sound of falling water.
“A waterfall?” I asked. “I thought we were here to burn my diary.”
“I have a better idea,” he said, ducking under a thick, green overhang. We were in the midst of a rain forest now, complete with a green canopy above our heads. Shafts of sunlight penetrated the green roof, sending beams of light down onto the leaf-covered path. And when the warm breeze blew, these patches of light moved around like lights on a dance floor.
With each step the sound of rushing water grew louder until finally the path ended and we stepped out of the canopy and back into the sunlight.
I exhaled loudly when it all came into view. It was spectacular, not to mention so high up that I felt I could reach out and touch the clouds. I was nervous to approach the edge, but I felt compelled to look over it. I moved slowly to where the green grass ended and the rocks began. I could feel the cool spray of water on my face. I finally reached the edge and peered over. A massive cascade of water crashed down over the rocks and into the bluest pond I’d ever seen.
“Now what?” I asked Alex, who was standing a little too close to the edge for my liking.
He turned and looked at me slowly, and pointedly. “I think you know.”
I nodded and slowly put my bag down on the ground. And with a very tentative and trembling hand, I took my diary out. This was more than just a diary to me, this was a record of Matt and mine’s relationship. I opened it and ran my fingertips over the words on the crinkled pages, as if reading them like Braille. But then panic gripped me.
“I don’t know if I can do this.” Doing this would be letting him go. All my memories of him, all the records I’d kept for the last three years of my life were contained between these pages. If I didn’t have this, what did I have of these last three years?
“You have to do it.” Alex walked up to me and placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I clutched the diary to my chest,my heart, and walked over to a rock and sat down. I opened the diary onto the last page I’d ever written. Alex also sat. I took a deep breath and for some reason, started reading it out loud.
“ ‘14 Feb. (Six months ago)
“ ‘I had to drag you out from the bottom of my cupboard for this. You were covered in dust and when I opened you, fish moths ran at me (note to self: maybe need fumigator—or maybe need to clean and dust better). Anyway . . .
“ ‘Matt is engaged.
“ ‘To Sam.
“ ‘He even got down on one knee, he told me. Then to make matters worse, he posted one of those cheesy engagement shoots on Facebook. All 100 of the fucking photos. Matt never struck me as an “engagement shoot kind of guy.” That is the kind of thing we would have laughed about together. But he did one. And they were on a white horse in one of the pictures. A WHITE HORSE!
“ ‘Matt is so different now, though. Since meeting her he’s started acting and talking differently. He even dresses differently too.’ ”
At that I heard a mumble from Alex. I continued to read.
“ ‘I think it’s because she’s super-fancy and from some fancy, rich, posh family. (I wonder if he farts in front of her?)
“ ‘It was so hard to act happy for him. It was so hard not to burst into tears. I don’t think anything has ever hurt me this much before.
“ ‘I can’t do this anymore. This needs to end. I am torturing myself.
“ ‘No more . . .’ ”
I turned the page. My mouth was getting dry and a lump was forming in the back of my throat. I briefly looked up at Alex and he gave me a small smile and reassuring nod, the kind that showed solidarity and urged me to continue.
“ ‘Dear Diary,
“ ‘I said no more, and I meant it at the time, but somehow Matt exerts some kind of power over me that makes me forget all the promises that I make to myself. He asked me to be his best man at his wedding and to speak at his engagement party—and guess what I did? I said yes. YES! Of course, I said yes. I always say yes. I haven’t been able to say NO to Matt in three years and all I want to do is say it. No, no, no, no, NO!
“ ‘How is this such a hard word to say? But every time he asks something of me, I feel this feeling building up inside and it becomes impossible to stand my ground and remember everything I’d promised myself the day before.
“ ‘The sad truth is this . . . I fucking love him and I don’t know how to turn it off and make it stop. And I’m so tired of loving him.’ ”
I looked up from reading the diary. My eyes were filled with tears. Alex looked at me as if he knew exactly what I was feeling.
“So, make it stop,” he said to me. “We both have to make it stop.”
I nodded feebly. I stood up slowly, walked towards the edge and looked down into the crystal blue pool below. The water was a bright sapphire blue, except where the waterfall crashed into it. There it was a frothy, turbulent white, like a cappuccino.
Alex walked up to me and stood by my side. I held the diary between my hands and looked down at it one last time and then, with all the might and all the strength I could muster, I threw it into the air as high as it could go.
