“And beating the walls?” Alex added.
I burst out laughing. “What’s wrong with that?”
Alex and Julian both shook their heads.
“Um . . . To be honest,” Alex started, “I’m not sure I’ve ever made a woman bang her sweaty fists against a wall.”
“Well, then you’re probably not doing it right,” I said.
“How should we be doing it then?” Julian asked.
“Yes.” Alex also leaned in—I had their attention now.
“Helllloooo! Drink, please,” a voice suddenly called out and we all turned to see an angry-looking couple waving in our direction.
“I’m busy. Pour your own!” Julian shouted at the startled people and turned back to us. “Carry on,” he said to me.
My tongue was a little loose from all the alcohol so I was only too happy to oblige. “Well, all I’m going to say is that sometimes less is definitely more, and slow and steadydoeswin the race.” I gave them both a wink and a knowing nod.
They looked at me blankly and then shook their heads.
“What does that even mean?” Alex asked.
“Please. Tell us,” Julian urged.
“The thing is, sometimes you guys just go for it like you’re trying to score a football goal in the first minute of the bloody game!”
“So we shouldn’t be trying to score so soon?” Julian asked.
“No. And definitely not with so much enthusiasm! It’s a delicate area, it needs some warming up. A bit of prep work before the main event.”
“So, lots of foreplay?” Julian asked.
“Not necessarily. But you can’t just go for it like a jackhammer. Start slowly . . .” My thoughts trailed off. “Very, very slowly. Like, so slow she almost doesn’t even feel you at first. Teasing. And then, only when you’ve teased her so much that she is about to scream and beg, do you pick up the pace . . . Mmmmmm.” I think I needed to fan myself. My body temperature went up a degree or two as I started to imagine all sorts of things.
“Not like jackhammer . . . slowly . . . teasing,” Alex said as if he was reading. I looked over at him and he was scribbling my words in his little notepad and I burst out laughing.
“Yes, and here’s another tip, when we start looking like we’re going to . . .you know, you don’t have to always increase the speed like a bat out of hell. Sometimes it’s all about that slow and steady pace.”
“Slow and steady . . .” Alex continued to scribble.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, there’s a place for jackhammers and bats out of hell, but sometimes I think you guys think sex should look like it does in pornos. Most women don’t want to be bent over and twisted into a million positions at one time . . . just saying.” I had such a captive audience now. “Also, it’s not always about the size of the tool, it’s how you use it!”
“So sizedoesn’tmatter?” Alex asked.
“Not as much as you guys seem to think it does!” I nodded at them both.
“Good to know,” Julian almost mumbled under his breath, but then quickly corrected when he realized we’d both heard, “not that I am . . . you know. Deficient in any way down there. At all!”
“No. Me neither,” Alex quickly added.
I laughed. “Guys! You’re like children when it comes to penis size. Remember, there’s only so much space in there anyway . . . and there is definitely a limit to how much luggage one can fit into a suitcase, if you get what I’m saying.”
They both looked at me and nodded slowly and thoughtfully in unison.
“Yup.” I threw back another shot. My tongue was getting very loose now. “Big, medium, slightly smaller than medium. I’m cool with them all, as long as you know how to use them.”
“Thanks,” Alex said, “that was very informative. Good to know for step ten.”
