CHAPTER 4
29 July, 1949
My love,
Last night, I dreamed of you again. I dreamed I was walking through an open field and I was looking for something. I didn’t know what it was, but I could sense how important it was that I found it. As if my life depended on it. I walked for hours, going round in circles, and then I saw you. The sun was illuminating your face, as if you were an angel, divine, and I knew, unequivocally, that you were what I’d been searching for. You smiled at me as I stood in the field, and suddenly it was night-time and you were the stars and the moon and everything that made the night sky bright and brilliant. And then everything started to go dim. The moonlight and stars lost their luster and started to fade, disappearing into the darkness.
I ran. I ran as fast as I could, chasing your light as it got further and further away from me. I reached out to grab it, the light, but it was gone. It disappeared into the blackness as if it had been swallowed up by a giant mouth. Suddenly, all your light had been extinguished and everything was dark. I walked around, bumping into things, falling down, scrambling back up to my feet as I tried to find you again . . . but it was pitch black and you weren’t there. And then I woke up into another nightmare.
I woke up to the news that our love has been made illegal, and now I am lost again in the darkness, even though the sun is shining. The whole day I’ve felt like I’ve been trying to catch you again. As if you are millions of grains of sand slipping through my fingers. I feel like I’ve let go of a balloon and I’m watching it soar up, disappearing into the sky and, no matter how much I run, or how high I climb, it is always just out of my reach. That’s how it feels today. It feels like I’m losing you, like you’re being pulled away from me by something that I cannot control. I cannot stop it.
Edith, I cannot lose you. You are the best thing in my life, you are my everything, and no one can tell me that loving you is wrong. Because loving you is the most right thing I have ever done. It is the only thing that has ever made sense to me. Because, without you, my life is senseless and dark and I am lost in a starless night and I will wander around forever looking for the thing that I need in order to breathe.
I hope we see each other soon. I miss you . . .
You, me, forever.
