I glanced behind me at Chloe and then turned back to the list.
5. Parrots and birds don’t like me. Possibly rats too.
6. I don’t like hospitals.
7. I don’t like being inside a car.
8. I don’t like closed windows.
9. I don’t like animals in zoos.
I considered writing that I may or may not have had sex, but left that one off.
“That’s it so far.” I looked back up at Noah.
“You should keep it on you and, as you discover more things about yourself, add to it.”
“Will do.” I folded the paper and stood up, slipping it into my jeans pocket. My entire life so far, and all I knew about myself fitted neatly, with room to spare, into a small pocket in my jeans. What a depressing thought.
CHAPTER 17
I stood in the shower, letting the water rush over my body in warm, steady waves, as if it were washing something away from me. I looked down at my feet and watched the water disappear down the drain, along with whatever it was taking from me. This was the first shower I’d taken in days. I stuck my hand out of the shower and reached for my panties. I only had one pair. In the hospital, I’d worn some awful papery ones, but now I would need to wash these until I found out who I was and went back to my home and got a new pair. I scrubbed them with the soap, and then rinsed and squeezed them out. And when that was done, I turned the shower off and walked out. A full-length mirror on the back of the door—I’d only noticed it now—had completely steamed up. I wiped it with a towel and took a step back. And when I saw my body completely naked for the first time, I stumbled backwards, reaching out for the sink to stop me from falling.
The doctors had told me I’d had a previous surgery, but in my head, it didn’t look like this. I ran my hand over my arm and shoulder. This must be where I had a plate and screws in my shoulder. The scar was pale but prominent against my skin, and it was ugly. I turned and looked over my shoulder at my back, and there was the other scar, running down a portion of the length of my spine. It sat right in the middle of my back, dividing it in two equal parts.
These scars unnerved me. They were such a physical reminder that I didn’t know who I was. How could I have all these marks on my body and have no idea where they came from? My body was a foreign creature. I might as well be looking at someone else naked. That’s how it felt. I turned back to the mirror and continued to look at myself.
My breasts were small and round. Not much more than a handful. They seemed like good enough breasts, though, not that I’d seen many.Any, actually. My stomach was flat, but not tight. It was soft, and on my hips, a few white lines. Not scars, though. I didn’t know what they were. It didn’t look like I had much hair down there, and when I looked a little closer, it soon became obvious I did a lot of grooming. The tops of my thighs were a little dimpled in places, and so was my bum, but all in all, I seemed to have an acceptable figure, if I compared myself to some of the women in the magazines I’d seen in the hospital. I took a step closer and studied my face. Everything seemed okay there too. I wasn’t sure if I was what you would call beautiful. I certainly didn’t have a face like the girls in the magazines, or a face like Maxine, for instance. But my nose was small, and in proportion to the rest of my face. My lips seemed to be a fairly normal size too, apart from the slight swelling in the bottom lip. My eyes were rather large. That was something very noticeable. Large and round and the color was—what would you call that?—a grayish, khaki green.
Only 2 per cent of the population has green eyes.
Did that make me unique? I wondered.
I ran my hands through my short hair. I’d gauged from an article in one of the magazines at hospital that this was called a pixie cut. Apparently, it was making a comeback. Did that mean I was fashionable? I wason trend, as the magazine had said? My eyebrows were pretty perfect, something else I’d gleaned from the magazine, where a whole article, three pages, was dedicated to the art of eyebrow shaping. I shook my head. This not knowing was exhausting. All this thinking and speculating and running things over and over in my brain. And I didn’t want to think anymore. I wanted to justknow.
I turned away from the mirror and bent over to pick my clothes up, just as I heard the door open and felt a rush of cold air on my bottom. I swung around to find Maxine standing there.
“Sorry, I didn’t realize you were here,” she said casually, looking at my fully naked body as if she didn’t even care I was naked.
“Broken collar bone,” she said, pointing at my scar.
“Tha-that’s what I’ve been told,” I replied, so shocked that she was just standing there that I didn’t even bother to bend down and pick up my towel.
“I had elbow surgery last year.” She thrust a scarred elbow into my face. “Hurt like a motherfucker. I bet yours hurt too.”
“I can’t remember,” I mumbled, finally bending down to pick up my towel, which I clutched to my body.
“Oh my God!” I looked away quickly as she began taking her clothes off and dropping them to the floor. I tried not to gasp at the sight of her naked breasts, which were suddenly everywhere. And I mean everywhere! I seemed to be standing in a place where the mirror was reflecting her back at me in multiple. Suddenly, Maxine’s boobs flooded my field of vision, row after row after row. After the initial shock was over, I found myself staring at them. She did have incredible breasts. Big and round and so damn perky.
“Are you not comfortable with this?” she asked.
“Um, not really,” I said, feeling sheepish now, like maybe I should be cool with this. Maybe this is what women did all the time and I just didn’t know.
“I sometimes forget I’m not in a gym changing room.” She politely wrapped a towel around herself and her perfect breasts disappeared. “Sometimes I just do stuff and blurt stuff out. I don’t have a filter. Like that sex thing. Sorry if it made things awkward between you guys. I didn’t know Noah was seeing anyone. Fresh relationship, awkward sex talk, I get it.”
“No. Noah and I aren’t . . . uh . . .”
“Damn, you haven’t had sex yet! That’s awkward. Unfiltered roommate brings up topic of sex and you guys haven’t had it yet.”
