CHAPTER 5
Ntethelelo came into my room the next morning, or was it the morning after? I don’t know. I felt like I was losing track of the days in here. I could see she was not her usual chirpy self, and a pile of books and magazines looked heavy in her arms. She placed them on the table with a thump and raised her brows. I turned my head away so as not to meet that penetrating gaze she was busy throwing in my direction. The dove was still there at the window, and its presence felt comforting. It was the only companion I’d had all night, and just knowing that I wasn’t totally alone made me feel better in the tiniest way.
“I hear you’re still not eating.” She was tapping her foot against the floor. “You must eat. Otherwise, you won’t get your strength back and then you’ll be stuck with us here forever, and you don’t want that.”
I looked at her briefly, and then back to the window, feeling that dark, heavy ball inside me again.
“Listen, if you don’t start eating, they’ll send you up the psych ward. And trust me, you won’t get a nurse like me up there, since I am Medicare’s number-one nurse, and also, it’s not five star there. You should feel the pillows . . . terrible!” She nudged me with her arm and I couldn’t help the tiny smile on my face. She had a natural way of cheering you up.
“But I don’t know who I am. I don’t remember anything,” I said quietly, a tear sliding down my cheek.
“It will come back to you. You just need to give yourself some time.” She said it as if she really believed it, but I wasn’t convinced. It had been days now, how many I didn’t know, and my mind was still blank, except for those odd flickers of familiarity that I didn’t understand.
“But what if it doesn’t? What if it never comes back and I never know who I am?”
“The police are running your prints and your photo. You will find out who you are. It’s just a matter of time.”
“Time. How much time? How long must I stay here? How long have I been here? And what if they do find out who I am but my memory never comes back and then I never remember my life anyway? What the hell good is that?”
“You cannot think of that now. You have to focus on getting out of here.”
“I want to get out of here! I really, really do.”
“Well, then, you must eat something.” She pushed a pudding cup and a spoon towards me.
I hesitated for a second, considering my options—which were few and far between right now—then grasped the cup reluctantly. The second it was in my hands, a feeling of knowing gripped me. Iknewthis cup. I knew its shape, and my fingers automatically went to the flap in the top-left corner and pulled. I dug the spoon in and scooped up a gooey, brown mouthful. I could taste it in my mouth before I put it in, and when I did so, my suspicions were confirmed.
“Well done.” Ntethelelo got up and patted the pile of books and magazines on the side table. “I brought you some reading material.” She started walking back towards the door, about to leave me again. “And when I come back, that must be finished.” She pointed at the cup and I gave her a small nod. I watched her leave the room and then heard her talk to someone else in the corridor. It sounded like Beauty.
“Is she still refusing to eat?” Beauty asked.
“I think I got her to eat one of the puddings.”
“Did she snap at you too?”
“Just a little bit.”
“She was rude to me,” Beauty said and, again, I felt terrible.
“I’m sure she’s just scared. Don’t take it personally.”
“I’m so sorry!” I yelled, aiming my voice at the open door. There was a beat and then two shocked-looking faces stuck their heads into the room and stared at me.
“What?” I sat up.
“What were you saying sorry about?” Ntethelelo asked, blinking at me.
“For being rude. I know I’ve been snappy. And I don’t mean to. I am scared.”
Ntethelelo and Beauty exchanged a look then slowly brought their eyes back to mine.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Did you understand what we were saying?” Beauty asked.
“Yes.”
“But we were speaking isiZulu,” Ntethelelo said, as they both walked into the room.
