‘Pippa? Right? I was so excited when Andrew told me he was bringing someone. And look at you, you’re so pretty. Isn’t she pretty? I’m Melissa, but you probably know that. It’s just so nice to meet you. I can’t tell you how excited I am to be finally, finally, meeting a girlfriend.’ It went on like that for a while. Melissa was an excellent talker: she talked and talked and talked. If there was a competition for professional talking, like they have for professional eating, Melissa would have won it. I fixed my features into a smile and nodded my head up and down, as if I was listening to her. But she was talking way too fast, way too loudly and way too enthusiastically. I was officially lost. The words had swallowed me whole and I was drowning in them. When I find myself in situations like this, I often squint my eyes together in a way that makes the world around me blurry. And if I squint really hard, I can even make the person in front of me disappear. But Melissa was undisappearable. She was like looking directly at the sun. No amount of squinting made her go away.
Her husband, Eddy, seemed just as enthusiastic as she was. He slapped Andrew on the back and said it was ‘about damn time’ a few times, while looking at me. Eddy and Melissa were perhaps one of the most enthusiastic couples I’d ever encountered. They looked like the kind of people who might go to the gym together on Sunday mornings wearing matching active wear and high-five each other after each set or, worse, cycle on a tandem bike. Their loud enthusiasm knew no limits. Synonyms forenthusiasticincludecrazy, impatientandwild. I didn’t like those words. Not one bit.
I sat down and tried to make myself comfortable, but the chair felt like it was made of something that had been designed to make me itch. I wiggled back and forth in an attempt to get settled. More loud chatter, a loud toast after the wine was ordered, and then much loud and enthusiastic menu-flipping as Melissa and Eddy turned deciding what to eat into a stage performance.
‘They have mussels, dear.’
‘Oooh, I love mussels. But I don’t think they will be nearly as good as the mussels we had in France.’
‘Have you been to France, Pippa?’
‘You must go. Look, they have braised lamb shank here too.’
‘Mmm, too rich for me. Remember what happened last time I ate lamb shank.’
‘Oooh, yes. I remember. Had to rush you off to the doctor the next day.’
‘And it was my birthday! What a terrible gift, right? But everything was just going all the way through me, if you know what I mean. When is your birthday, Pippa?’
‘Chicken and mushroom risotto?’
‘Does it have dairy in it? I’m lactose intolerant now. Just awful really. No more ice cream for me.’
By the time we were ready to order I felt so strange and nauseous, after having the entire menu read to me and imagining each and every dish, that I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I sat on the closed toilet seat for a while, trying to push the thought of what lamb shank and ice cream would taste like together when my phone beeped.
Andrew:You okay?
Pippa:Just taking a small moment.
Andrew:They are a little intense. Sorry.
Pippa:Fervent. Zealous. Manic.
I offered up some alternative synonyms. I’d been sitting here thinking of the perfect ones for them.
Andrew:Haha. Those too.
Pippa:Where are you?
‘Right here?’ The sound of Andrew’s voice shocked me. I stood up on the toilet and peered over the door to find Andrew standing with his back up against the long vanity counter and looking in my direction.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘I also wanted to take a moment. I kept imagining “everything going through” Melissa and I needed a break. The toilet is unisex, in case you’re—’
‘I know,’ I said. It was the first thing I’d noticed about the bathroom. I opened the door, walked up to the sink counter and rested my back against it like Andrew was doing.
‘Why are you still friends with them if you don’t enjoy their company?’ I asked.
‘I like them. We have such a long history together. They’re just very—’ He lifted his eyes to mine. ‘Wait, are you a walking thesaurus or something? First there was “stunning” and now “intense”?’
I inhaled and paused. Did I tell him that as a child I’d spend hours sitting in the treehouse in the playground at school reading and memorizing the thesaurus while other kids had been playing? That, for fun, I wrote down the synonyms of commonly used words. This was one of those ‘quirky’ little things about me that people seemed to find endearing and amusing when they first got to know me, but which quickly turned to irritation when I began suggesting alternatives for them. I started a slow nod. ‘I like synonyms.’
‘You said that, but I hadn’t realized that you could recite them at a moment’s notice.’
‘Give me a word and I’ll give you a synonym,’ I said.
‘That’s easy –verbose.Melissa and Eddy are rather verbose,’ he said. I was impressed by his choice of word.
