‘Okay,’ I said, putting my hand over my mouth.
But he didn’t look upset with me. On the contrary. His smile was even more crooked and unsymmetrical now. ‘You,’ he said, coming towards me.
‘Me what?’
‘I honestly don’t know, actually. I don’t know what it is about you, but . . . just,you.’ He started kissing me again and my body reacted instantly. But I pulled away despite this.
‘What does that even mean?’ I asked.
Andrew shrugged. ‘Does it matter?’
‘No.’ This time I kissed him. My body was slowly melting into his now. I wasn’t sure I could tell where my lips ended and his began. Which tongue was mine and which tongue was his.
‘I don’t have condoms,’ Andrew whispered into my ear.
‘Look down,’ I whispered back.
He stepped back and looked down. ‘Condoms. Did you bring them tonight because you thought we might—’
‘No. They’re not mine. But I’m glad they’re here.’
‘So am I.’
CHAPTER32
He slipped inside me with a sense of urgency. As if he’d been waiting for this moment as much as I’d been. The sex quickly became a strange blur of body parts and movements. A hunger that I’d felt deep inside made me lose myself like I hadn’t lost myself before.
‘Sssshh!’ Andrew slapped a hand over my mouth with a chuckle.
‘What?’
‘You’re being very loud!’ He laughed when I took a finger into my mouth and then pushed his hand away. I hadn’t realized that I was being loud. I pursed my lips together tightly and tried to concentrate onnotmaking noises, but there was an intensity to the sex that was making it very hard. I slapped my hands over my mouth when loud, sharp breaths started pushing their way out of my lips. I looked at Andrew and shook my head. My face felt like it was going to explode if I couldn’t make any noises. Because the more tightly I clamped my hands over my mouth, the deeper and harder and faster he thrust.
‘I thought you said we were having mediocre sex,’ he said through a tightly clenched jaw. ‘It doesn’t sound like it, does it?’ he asked, and thrust so deeply into me that I thought I was going to break, in the most delicious way possible.
‘I said you were improving,’ I managed in between gasps for air, and then let out a loud moan as he drew slowly out of me, stopped completely for a moment, and then drove back in.
‘Shhhh!’ he said, gripping my waist tighter.
‘I CAN’T!’ I half shouted on an outbreath as I wrapped my legs around him even tighter. ‘Fuck it, let them hear me.’
Andrew gripped the back of my head. ‘Maybe this will help.’ He pulled me into an open-mouth kiss, his mouth resting over mine. I panted and moaned into his mouth, and it dulled the sound a little but it wasn’t enough to stop the moan I let out as I came. I buried my face in his shoulder and clung on to him as I waited for my body to go limp. And when it did, and I finally pulled my face away, I found him looking at me.
‘What?’
‘That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,’ he said, and then leaned his face close to mine. ‘You’re the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.’ He kissed me slowly and softly this time. The kiss stayed slow and deliberate, and his thrusting now matched it too. Slow. Shallow. Then deep. We got into a perfect rhythm and my skin prickled and I shivered under his touch.
Shit. What was happening?Something was happening. To me. To us. To everything around us. To the fabric of spacetime itself. This feeling was new and intense and I could not quantify and catalogue and understand it, and I didn’t much like that. It left me feeling uneasy and off kilter and totally out of control. But a part of me liked it. And that part of me was trying to convince the other part to just let go and succumb to the feeling, even if it was utterly terrifying. My brain started whizzing, which was not supposed to happen during sex. I was not supposed to be thinking right now, but an internal war was being raged in my head. A war between the part of me saying ‘let go to this strange new feeling’ and the other part telling me to hang on tightly and not lose myself in this moment. Because if I lost myself in this moment, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to find my way out again. There was no GPS or map to navigate me out of a moment like this. And the idea of being lost in it, for ever, terrified me.
Let go, the voice in my head seemed to urge.
I wanted to scream back at that voice. That voice that seemed to be ignoring all rationality. But I didn’t, and the voice was getting louder and louder until I finally let go.
I allowed myself to fully fall into Andrew. I lifted my head and sought out eye contact. I wanted to feel even more connected to him. I’d always thought eyes said too much; that’s why I didn’t like looking into them. He stared straight back at me, his arresting eyes made even more arresting by the difference in color between them. This was the only non-symmetrical thing about him, and I think this was my favorite part of him too. I couldn’t see his lips, but if I did, I bet they were smiling. Because his eyes were smiling, I tried to make mine smile back at him. But soon, the smile was gone. They clouded over, as if he was leaving this place and looking into a far-off world that only he could see. That far-off gaze, his sexy, hooded eyes that looked almost drugged, threw me over the edge. I felt my entire body responding to that look as another orgasm began to build. His built, too, as if our bodies were telling each other what to do.
And when I couldn’t handle it any more, because the physical feelings were just too much, I closed my eyes. It wasn’t black behind my eyelids though. There were colors, bright and intense. I was watching a fireworks show projected onto the back of my eyelids, and the show got more and more explosive and impressive as I raced towards my orgasm. And then it all went white.
We clutched on to each other like that for I don’t know how long. I felt euphoric wrapped in Andrew’s arms. As if being wrapped in his arms provided me with that barrier to the outside world that I lacked. I sunk deeper into him, smiling and basking in the glow of the strange but wonderful feeling, but then . . .
