‘I know. But I’m not like that any more. I wasn’t lying to you about that when we first met. That’s not me any more.’
I kept quiet, but the silence was so awful. It was loud and thundered in my ears like an approaching storm. I turned the engine and radio on quickly just so there was some kind of noise to drown out the silence.
‘How do I know you’re telling the truth? It’s pretty convenient that I didn’t hear the things you supposedly said to him.’
A phone started beeping frantically from inside my bag. I stuck my hand in and pulled it out. It was Andrew’s. I passed it over and watched as he read what was clearly a long string of messages. When he was done, he passed the phone over to me and gestured for me to look at it. I cast my eyes down.
Gee:Hey, where are you?
Gee:I’ve been looking for you.
Gee:You’re right, I was a dickhead.
Gee:Fuck man, that was a seriously dickhead move.
Gee:Don’t know what to say other than sorry.
Gee:Call me when you can so we can chat.
Gee:I’d really like to do that over again and not screw it up.
Gee:If you like her, which you clearly do, I’ll like her too. We all will.
Gee:You’ve always been the good guy in the group. You probably have better taste in women than all of us put together anyway.
Gee:I’m a small-minded asshole. What can I say!
I put the phone down on my lap after I’d read the string of messages.
‘Generally, they’re good guys, they just haven’t had those life experiences that change people for the better. Like I’ve had. That maybe you’ve had too?’
I handed him back his phone and as I did, his hand locked on to mine.
‘I’m sorry about what happened,’ he said, tightening his grip a little, but not too much.
‘I’ve always been . . . different,’ I heard myself say.
‘I know,’ he said.
‘No, I don’t think you do.’ I pulled my hand away, even though it felt good to be touching him again.
‘Tell me then.’ He turned in his seat and faced me, but I couldn’t face him, so I looked straight ahead, locking my eyes on something that felt familiar and comforting: the plane, the runway, the air traffic control tower.
‘I’ve never fitted in. Even if I’ve tried to. And for the most part, that’s okay. I’ve created this life around me that doesn’t require me to fit in. I live away from people with my dogs, I do a job that doesn’t require much friendly office banter, I don’t really go out, except for Pokémon and the dog park and to swim alone in the pool. I have my parents, I have one friend, Jennifer, who I speak to intermittently but who doesn’t care that we aren’t in constant communication. And that’s how I like it. I’ve created my own little bubble and I was pretty happy in it, and then you came along and ripped me out of it, and suddenly I’m going to family functions, and dinners with friends, and bars, and it’s, it’s . . .’ I flapped my fingers together on the steering wheel and didn’t care that I know he’d seen that. ‘And then I hear your friends saying the kinds of things that I know people say about me, usually behind my back, though, like Tertia and Delia, and it was all just . . .’ I lost the words. I think I had them in my head; all the synonyms were there lined up and ready to use:crushing, paralyzing, agonizing, burning, gut-wrenching. But even those didn’t seem big enough. My breath caught in my throat. The feelings inside me were starting to become big, too big. Big and messy, and I didn’t want him to see me like this. With my big, messy emotions oozing out of my eyes as my heart heated up.
He reached out and put his hands over mine on the steering wheel. ‘You don’t have to explain it to me.’ His tone was sympathetic, and that only made me feel worse. I needed something right now that would obliterate this moment. Obliterate these feelings and the rampaging thoughts in my head. I needed something bigger than me to overpower and overwhelm all the awful feelings I was having right now. And that’s when the plane started racing down the runway. The noise the engine made was so loud that it felt like it was shaking the ground. I stood up in my seat. I always did this when they flew straight above me. I liked to be as close to them as possible. I held my hands in the air, reaching up, and shouted for Andrew to do the same. He stood up and put his hands in the air too.
‘OH MY GOD!’ I screamed as loudly as I could as the plane flew directly over our heads. The noise was deafening and the wake turbulence from the small plane pulled at my loose strands of hair and blew them around. I closed my eyes and held my hands up until the noise of the plane, finally, finally, disappeared. When I opened my eyes, I found Andrew sitting back in his seat staring at me. I looked down at him and smiled. He smiled back.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said softly.
‘Sorry for what?’ I asked.
‘I’m sorry for everything bad that ever happened to you.’
I sat back down in my seat next to him. ‘You don’t have to feel sorry for me.’
‘I don’t feel sorry for you,’ Andrew said quickly. ‘Not at all.’
