Dear Ash,
How’s work? Hope everything is going well and the shoot is on track. I’m sure it is with you as theDOP. It took me a while to get going, so exhausted from the trip . . .
I deleted the email message for the tenth time that morning. I had been trying to write emails to her all week, ever since being back.
Dear Ash,
I fucking love you. I am in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for thirteen years. Tell me you’re prepared to give us another chance. I know we’re meant to be together. Iknow, without a doubt, that it is you. It’s always been you.
I deleted it. Obviously. But it had felt good to write. I had not been able to stop thinking about her, from the second we’d walked off that plane together, until now. Sitting here in my office after hours, writing emails to her that I knew I would never send. To make the whole thing worse, when I’d arrived back home, my mother had decided to have another semi-lucid moment, where she’d asked me if I’d proposed to Ash yet. I’d played along and told her I was planning on asking her to marry me after the dance that night. She’d said she couldn’t wait for the wedding, and had then drifted off again.
I needed a distraction. I needed to get my mind off Ash in some way, any way, or I felt like I was going to die just thinking about her. If I carried on like this, I was scared of self-combusting, blowing myself to little pieces, and then never being able to put myself back together again. The problem was I could no longer turn to the distractions I’d used in the past. Work, yes. Traveling, yes. Sex,no.
Bianca had messaged me yesterday. She knew I was back, and she wanted to know if she could come round. And she made it clear it wasnotfor coffee. I hadn’t even thought about it. Some months back, fucking a gorgeous woman might have filled the void a little bit. Now it felt like there was only one thing in the world that could fill it, and that one thing was her.
CHAPTER 55
Ash
I stood in front of the mirror getting ready for my date tonight, Frank and Charlie were there, lying on my bed with Petal climbing all over them. They’d come over to babysit, in case I was going to stay out all night, because Anushka and Aayan were away at a cousin’s wedding. After much back and forth, we’d all decided I should wear the light blue dress and that I should paint my nails the same color and wear the coral-colored lip-gloss that I’d stolen from Sarah.
“Your enthusiasm for this date is really radiating off you,” Charlie said as I stood fiddling with my hair for a disproportionately long time.
“I’m kind of questioning why you’re even going at this stage,” Frank said, holding Petal up above his head.
“I do want to go, it’s just that . . .No!I want to go. I want to.”
“Clearly no psychologist here, but sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself of that.” Frank was swinging Petal back and forth now and Petal was attacking the air with her paws—adorable.
“I wouldn’t blame you if you were. Max was really fucking hot, and nice,” Charlie said.
“Christ, if I have to hear how good-looking this guy is one more time, I think I might get sick. We get it, Charlie—he’s hot,” snapped Frank.
“Why do you get so irritated every time I say that, but it’s okay for everyone else to say it?” she asked angrily.
I turned round and watched them as they began bickering again.
“Guys, stop,” Sarah said, coming into the room with a giant bag of chips.
“But he is,” Charlie insisted. “He’s hot as hell, and on top of that, he was so sweet and considerate, the way he put your feelings first like that, even though you could see how hurt he felt. Max gets my vote. I vote against this date with Hot Doc, and vote for a date with Max.”
“For heaven’s sake.” Frank got up off the bed and walked out of the room with Petal.
Charlie flopped back down on the bed. “What’s his problem again?” she asked, but honestly, I didn’t quite know. These two had been at each other’s throats much more than usual lately.
“Just because he’s hot and nice, doesn’t mean I should be dating him instead of Sibu.”
“Then what other attributes does a guy have to have for you to date him?” Charlie asked, sitting up on my bed, glancing into the next room, presumably to see where Frank had gone.
“He’s got tonotbe my ex-boyfriend.” I turned back to the mirror and fiddled with my hair one last time.
“I hate to point out the giant, gaping hole in that statement, but technically Sibu is an ex-boyfriend too,” Sarah said.
“But Sibu wasn’t a boyfriend that totally broke me. With Max it’s too dangerous. There’s too much of a chance that it’ll end badly again and then I’ll find myself living under some new Max-induced curse for the next thirteen years.”
Sarah eyed me suspiciously for a moment and then looked across at Charlie who nodded at her.
“You’ve got feelings for him!” Sarah started walking over to me and Charlie followed close behind.
