“Welcome,” the man replied. “I didn’t introduce myself to you earlier—you looked busy. I’m William, I’ll be your host and ranger while you’re here. Anything you need, just ask.”
“Thank you, that’s very kind. Where’s my room?”
“Let me show you where you’ll be staying.” William picked up my gear and walked towards one of the two staircases. “So this villa has four rooms, and you are definitely staying in the nicest one.”
“Ooh, thanks. I’m excited.”
“It’s our pleasure to have you staying with us. We’re very excited that an advert is being shot at our lodge.”
I smiled at the man. If he knew how that process really worked, from pre-production to post, he would probably not think it was as exciting as he did.
“And this is your room.” He opened the doors with the kind of flourish that the room deserved, because it was possibly the most incredible room I’d ever been in before. It wasn’t the ridiculously comfortable fourposter bed made of tree branches, or the massive balcony with views for days, it wasn’t even the fact that the couches were the kind you could sink into and live in for the rest of your life—it was all about the bath.
“Dinner will be at seven thirty,” the man said somewhere behind me. I almost didn’t hear him, as I stood and stared at the bath, imagining the imminent and very delicious full-body submersion. It was a freestanding copper bath, but that wasn’t what made this maybe one of the best baths on the planet. What made it amazing, was the view from it. From inside the bath, you could see out across the national park, the rugged terrain of acacias and boulders all drenched in the orange of the setting sun. It was perched at the end of the room, and with the balcony doors open like this it seemed as if it was outside, floating on the edge of the world. I turned on the taps and headed to the toilet for the long put-off pee.
Ash:Hey guys, I’m safe and landed in Zimbabwe. I’m at the lodge. Omg it is gorgeous—we should definitely do a friend weekend here.
Before I could even start the message in which I explained to them what was going on, they started flooding me with requests for pictures and questions about the flight and weather. I didn’t let that distract me as I focused on typing the message, while simultaneously having the longest pee of my life.
Ash:I don’t even know how to start or what to say, because never in a million years did I think I would ever be writing this to anyone. So, I met Max at the airport, only it’s not Max at all. In fact, Max is actually none other than the sex hex himself, Logan. He says he changed his name nine years ago when his parents got divorced, because his father was also Logan McAdamsom—which I believe. But the thing is, I have been speaking to Maximillian Adam for almost a month and this entire time it was Logan. This whole thing is so bizarre! I’m away with my ex-boyfriend who cursed me and then disappeared, but also away with some guy called Maximillian Adam who looks nothing like the boy I used to know, and is some wildly successful businessman who lived in Greece and now looks like a fucking Greek god himself and I actually hate that he is so good-looking. So there you have it. What do you have to say about that?
There was a moment of silence as they read the message. I took the opportunity to take in a long, slow, deep breath because I knew we were about to plunge into chaos. Sarah was of course the first one who replied.
Sarah:ANDYOUGUYSWEREFLIRTINGWITHEACHOTHER!!!
Ash:IKNOW!
Ash:I feel sick to my stomach.
Yo:Wait, back up, I’m confused. What exactly are you saying?
Charlie:What she’s saying is that she has just been cast in her very own real, like, theatre of the fucking absurd.
Ash:Absurd is right!
Sarah:What the actual F!
Sarah:Max is actually Logan?
Sarah:And now you are away with him???
Sarah:This is insane.
Ash:I know.
Charlie:God, are you okay, Ash? I think I would be freaking out.
Melusi:Who’s freaking out? What’s going on?
Ash:Max is Logan. My ex-boyfriend. And I am away with him.
Melusi:I’m confused. Looks like I need to go back and read the whole conversation.
Ash:Honestly, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know whether I’m more shocked, or angry.
Sarah:I would be so pissed that he lied to me this entire time.
Ash:He said he only found out two days ago when I sent myIDto him.
