So I did the only logical thing I could do in that moment.
I jumped him.
His beer sloshed onto the couch as I kissed him, hard. His hands hovered in the air for a moment, as if they were uncertain, thensettled gently on my hips. Too gently. I grabbed his wrists and tried to dig his fingers into me, needing to feel something. But he hesitated and blinked up at me.
‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ he said softly, and that was the moment I knew.
Because Cam would’ve fought me. Bitten back, given as good as he got. Byron was tryingnotto break me, but Cam would have shattered me and then put me back together just to shatter me all over again. I thought back to the shower again. Two words seemed to hover above my head, almost mocking me. I couldn’t bring myself to think them, but it was too late. They were in my head.
Make love.
That was what we’d done. Made love.
Fuck!
I pulled away from the kiss and hung my head. As if my thoughts had finally become too heavy for it to handle. His hand came up to cup my cheek. Sweet. Too sweet. This was so wrong.
‘You okay?’ he asked.
No. I wasn’t okay.
I was unravelling.
My body was here, but my mind was six thousand kilometres away in a cupboard with Cam.
‘What’s wrong?’ Byron asked, sounding worried. I turned and stared at him, at this man who had done nothing wrong. Who’d tried so hard, been so patient with me for months, said he would be even more patient. The man who wanted me in all the ways any woman would love to be wanted. And I said it. Out loud. The thing I hadn’t wanted to admit even to myself but was now finally forced to confess in my head and out loud.
‘You’re not Cam.’
‘Who the hell is Cam?’
I climbed off his lap, full of shame. I was an awful person. ‘I’m sorry. Byron, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,’ I gushed, on the verge of tears. ‘You’re a great guy, you’re so thoughtful and kindand you totally deserve more than this. More than me. More than someone who’s just going to, to . . .’ I sighed and dropped my head into my hands.
‘To what?’ he asked, and the guilt slammed into me so hard I thought I might actually fall off the couch.
‘I think . . . I think I still have feelings for my ex,’ I managed to stutter.
He removed his hand from my back and moved away from me. A long silence stretched out between us, and I felt too terrible to even look at him.
‘Well, that sort of explains it all, I guess,’ he said. His voice was laced with something I’d never heard before. I heard him stand up. ‘It explains everything that’s been going on thisentiretime.’
I stood up too. ‘No, not this entire time. Well, maybe, but I didn’t know that, I only knew now. Like this very second.’
Byron looked at me and nodded, before following that up with a small shake of his head. ‘I’ll leave the pizza for you.’
‘Fuck, Byron, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know I had feelings for this person . . . well, I think I have feelings for this person. It’s complicated, I’ve never felt this confused and—’
‘You have feelings,’ he said flatly. ‘You definitely, definitely have alotof feelings.’
‘Shit!’ I lowered my head again.
I heard footsteps, and then they stopped. ‘I have feelings too, Lizzy.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘If it’s okay, I think I’ll avoid you for a while,’ he said, then I heard the door open and close, and I was left there all alone . . .
With my feelings.
