Before I can answer, Aleks nods emphatically then raises her hands. ‘But it’s not for me to decide. Only the person closest can do that.’
I take a spoonful of the cool, smooth meringue, allowing the tart, fresh sweetness to take over my senses, momentarily filling me with sensations of my youth. The flavours distract me from the fact that I’m torn between needing the help, and still wishing, beyond reason, that I could care on my own for the man I promised to look after for ever.
‘It might be good for both you and Bill, to have a little extra help,’ Carly encourages with the same beautiful smile she’s had since childhood. The same smile she wore when returning home after school to see me in the gallery, or at bedtimes if Fran was still working, or on Sundays when we’d garden together, or sort wool, or bake biscuits for the week ahead.
‘I can’t deny it,’ I confess, and Carly reaches out to clutch my hand, aware just how hard it is for me to admit.
‘Are you able to take on more hours?’ Fran asks Aleks.
‘I’m tied to my hours at the care home,’ she says, which I already know.
‘Why don’t you come to Paris with us?’ suggestsCarly, full of youthful vigour, which usually serves to make me feel younger, but not today. Today I feel old and defeated.
‘I couldn’t possibly leave Bill,’ I say, shaking my head.
Carly darts a look to her mother who in turn picks up the mantle. ‘You know, it could be the perfect opportunity to give respite care a try. It would only be for a few days – I’m certain Bill would manage.’
‘He can come to the care home with me. You know I’d take good care of him,’ says Aleks.
My jaw and hands tighten as I consider the suggestion. In my mind I know it could work, Bill being perfectly used to Aleks and her so fond of him, but my heart isn’t on the same page, having promised, when he was diagnosed, never to put him in a home.
‘What if he thinks I’ve abandoned him, that I’ve broken my promise?’
‘Then I would explain,’ says Aleks.
‘A rest would do you both good,’ says Carly, getting up and squeezing me from behind, releasing some of the tension in my jaw. I let out a long, slow breath, scanning my thoughts, emotions and body for signs of anxiety.
‘I suppose travelling does offer a new perspective,’ I say.
‘Wouldn’t it be nice to think about yourself, if only for a little while,’ says Carly, clearing the plates.
‘I would like to think about how I might find a bit more community, or purpose, a bit more of myself, I suppose,’ I admit, having been thinking about it for some time now but being torn between my own needsand Bill’s, not wanting to sacrifice any of the remaining time we have left together. ‘But I’m not sure.’
‘I promise he would be fine at the home with me,’ says Aleks.
‘Elsa, come on,’ Carly pleads, her eyes wide. ‘It’ll be fun. We’ll see new things, maybe meet some new people. Who knows what good could come from it?’
‘Plus we need you there to stop us getting on each other’s nerves,’ Fran laughs, and though I know she’s joking, there’s some truth in what she says.
‘Let me think about it,’ I say, not wanting to be pushed into a decision, the reality of Bill’s care weighing heavier than the dream of Paris.
7.
CARLY
My whole body is alive with excitement as Mum, Elsa and I stand on the little red carpet waiting to board the train at Waverley Station. Further down the platform a piper, in full Scottish regalia, ceremoniously pipes the passengers on board.
‘I feel underdressed,’ says Mum, as we wait for the kilted train staff to check our tickets.
‘I suspect even if we were dressed in Edwardian finest, we’d still feel a little shabby in comparison to this,’ replies Elsa, admiring the majestic burgundy train with its immaculate gold livery. I give her hand an excited squeeze, so glad that she decided to come.
‘It’s like stepping back in time,’ I say to them, handing over my ticket before being ushered on board. I resist the temptation to start taking pictures on my phone, wanting badly to share it all with Jude, who was beyond jealous when I told her about the gig I’d landed.
‘I told you you needed a sign,’ she cried.
‘I’m just happy with having a few nights away,’ I laughed, batting away a fleeting thought of Flynn.
‘Carly, you need to think bigger, dream a little,’ she sighed, gazing at me as she does sometimes as if I’m an alien landed in front of her. ‘Make sure you grab hold of every opportunity that comes your way.’
