‘He basically asked for a trade – what was I prepared to give up for him not to publish the article.’
‘And what did you say?’
‘The review,’ he answers.
‘Of the trip?’
He nods.
‘You did that for Mum?’
He cocks his head to one side, looks at me with shining eyes, a look I can’t quite read.
‘Thank you,’ I say, hoping he can hear the sincerity behind the words.
‘You’re welcome. And I’m sorry too that I didn’t come over to say hi last night, I was so stressed about Chris Rose going missing and Nicolas, and . . . well, it all got on top of me.’
‘And all that stuff you said about romance and community and wanting to make books available to all . . .’
‘Turns out you weren’t the only one passion-seeking,’ he smiles. ‘Turns out I had some searching of my own to do.’
And in spite of everything, I find myself softening, a little piece of my heart won.
34.
FRAN
‘What a trip,’ says Elsa, collapsing happily into her seat on the Eurostar.
‘One not to be forgotten,’ says Carly, who’s stowing her bag overhead.
‘It’s been a joy,’ says Marleen.
‘What about you, Mum? What’s your assessment?’
I cast furtive glances towards both ends of the carriage, trying to see if Alistair is on board, looking for me, since I hadn’t kept my promise to meet him after the talk.
‘It’s been illuminating,’ I say wryly.
Elsa, not quite understanding my tone, looks at me for clarity.
‘Alistair and I met up last night – just for a walk,’ I hasten to add, the news seemingly coming as no surprise. ‘He believes we’re “destined to be together”.’
‘Tish-tosh,’ says Marleen. She breathes deeply as if to remind me to do the same. ‘There’s no such thing as fate, only karma,’ she says. ‘You chose all those yearsago to act in the loving interest of your mother. That was the correct choice in that moment. That action led to Robin.’
‘By that reasoning you could argue that choosing to come to Paris led to Mum meeting Alistair at Sacré Coeur,’ says Carly, clearly playing devil’s advocate.
‘But my decision to come to Paris wasn’t made in love,’ I say slowly, my mind becoming clearer as I think about the build-up to the trip. ‘I saw the copy ofNotre-Damearriving in the bookshop as serendipitous but, if I’m honest, I made the decision to go on the book train partly in anger and frustration at my husband, and partly in desperation over work. I was fighting myself and everyone around me. I needed to get away.’
‘This is why it’s important to act mindfully and with compassion at all times,’ Marleen says. ‘Only then are our decisions the right ones. To know that there are only actions and consequences, that nothing controls our destiny – this is key.’
‘And it’s important to look at what is, not the what ifs,’ says Elsa. I can tell from the hazy look in her eye that she’s thinking of Bill.
I think of Alistair and how he’s clearly clung to the what ifs surrounding us for too long.
‘Let go of clinging to the past or desiring the future to be different,’ Marleen goes on, looking at Elsa proudly. ‘See your life as it is, not for what it was, what it might have been, or what it might be. Comparisons are never helpful.’
A lull falls over the four of us and I’m struck by thethought that perhaps subliminally I’ve been comparing Robin to Alistair, in my own way. I wonder if he, like Alistair’s wife, has felt some form of rejection from me that’s been magnified not only by me burying my head in work but also, because of my mother, my lack of strong emotional connection to people generally.
