After ten more minutes, Mum got up to leave, to sit in the waiting room until I was ready. Part of me wanted to run from the room with her, the other was rooted to the spot. When she left, I stepped forward, forced myself to reach out and touch him; stroked the little tufts of what was left of his hair back off his forehead. ‘It’s OK, Dad,’ I told him. ‘I’m here. You can go to sleep. There are no monsters.’
The door to my room opens abruptly and there’s Hal, wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt that looks as if it might have been ironed. ‘Afternoon!’ he says, his eye travelling to the remnants of my meal. ‘Wow, room service! How the other half live, eh!’
His presence is the breath of fresh air I need to push the past from my mind for a while.
Making his way over to the bed, he pulls up a chair and sits at my side. ‘Oh, here,’ he says, passing me my phone and a large block of chocolate. ‘Thought these might come in handy.’
Despite the fact I lost my appetite when eating the stew, my stomach rumbles when I see the chocolate. I snap off a square for each of us and we talk through slightly thickened voices. He tells me that Sébastien has left, that he’s cleaned Betty from head to toe. He says that he hasn’t told Louis, not wanting to worry him, and I reassure him it’s the right call.
‘The nurse said I might be able to come out tomorrow, if I’m careful,’ I tell him and he grins with pleasure.
‘We’ll still be able to make it,’ he says. ‘To the wedding. If we drive straight there.’
‘What about your itinerary?’
‘Some things are more important than that.’
22
HAL
The next day, once I’ve spoken to Sarah, I make the call.
Louis picks up on the first ring. ‘Dad!’ he says, sounding inordinately pleased to hear from me. ‘Are you nearly here?’
I feel a tug of guilt. I haven’t told Louis about Sarah, and for good reason. But I should have updated him about our arrival. ‘Should be with you tomorrow. Slight hiccup in the planning. But well on the way,’ I half-lie.
There’s a silence. ‘OK.’
‘Yeah, I’m sorry.’
‘Thought you might be.’
‘Everything OK?’
‘Yeah. Fine.’
‘It’s just you seem…’
‘It’s OK. I suppose I just thought you might arrive on time, seeing as it’s my wedding and all.’ Suddenly Louis is fourteen again, and I’m late for his sports day. Or I get stuck in traffic on the way to pick him up for the weekend. Not that this happened often. But when it did, I definitely knew about it.
‘I’m sorry, Louis. I really meant to. It’s been…’ I struggle to find the words.Difficult? Terrifying? A complete roller coasterof emotions that’s left me feeling exhausted and sleep-deprived?But without the Sarah element, without explaining just how ill she’s been, how it had seemed when she’d passed out, the words would seem out of place – just empty excuses. ‘I really feel terrible about this.’
‘I know. Honestly, just ignore me.’ Louis sounds a little more like himself but there’s a false jollity to his words. ‘Mum must be going crazy with the journey though. She hates being late.’
This is true, although coming from Louis, it feels like a dig. Like he’s highlighting yet another thing that I’ve failed at.
‘Mum wishes she was there, sure. She’s coping though. I’ll get her to call you later. She’s… she’s popped to the shower block.’
‘OK. Thanks. And her leg’s OK?’
‘Yes. It’s… she’s on the mend.’
There’s a silence; it feels somehow loaded as if filled with all the things we want to say but can’t. I remind myself that it’s better he’s annoyed at me for being useless than I give him something else to worry about by telling him his mum’s in hospital. I’m collecting her in any case, at eleven, with several prescriptions, after assuring doctors she will be well cared for – so there’s nothing Louis needs to know about at this point.
‘You looking forward to the wedding?’ I find myself saying in a clumsy attempt to move the conversation on.
‘Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?’
