“Why?” It’s all I can think to ask. It echoes inside my head like a siren. “Why me?”
Whatever the answer to that question is, she doesn’t want to reveal it. She’s been hoarding this extra knowledge. She’s been lying to me.
“Let’s get this show on the road, ladies!” Hunter comes swaggering out of the doorway, cheerfully oblivious to thetension between us. Once she gets close enough to either see it or feel it, she stops abruptly. “Yikes. Feel like maybe I should’ve read the room before making my dramatic exit. Boy, this is—” She whistles. “Uncomfortable.”
“How could you do this to me?” I ask in a harsh whisper.
Taylor’s eyes move from Hunter back to me, surprised. “To save you.”
And it’s so stupidly earnest, soft and honest; it nearly pierces the steel anger I’m trying to build around me.
“Why?” I demand, eyes narrowed, fists clenched. I laugh harshly. “Because you wanted to fuck me?”
“Hey now,” Hunter says gently, but it’s a warning.
Taylor looks as if I did slap her. I do want to make her hurt, and the desire to do so hurts me too. Eyes down like a chastised puppy, she shakes her head. “N—no, that is not why.”
“Then why?”
“I had to.” Her answer is hardly satisfactory and I level a glare that says as much. “You know I am not…good at this.”
“Get better.”
“I don’t know why! I don’t know, Lucy. I have tried to understand, but I don’t. I saw you, and I knew. Like it was an instinct I always had. Like balance, or breathing. I was supposed to kill you and I knew with frightening certainty I never would.” While her words are rushed and frustrated, they sound genuine. “After Hunter was taken…” She eyes her friend guiltily. “It became that much easier.”
“You tricked me. Right from the start.”
“She saved your life,” Hunter interjects.
“Our whole friendship was built on a lie.” Rubbing my face, I emit a frustrated groan into my palms. “Since the ball—” My eyes widen. “I am such a fool. The ball…it was a ruse. You never…”
Taylor’s face twists in confusion. “I don’t know what you are trying to say.”
“You lied to me to get me to trust you,” I reply softly. “It wasn’t real.”
She steps forward, and those big, beautiful eyes implore me. “Lucy, all of it is real.” She pauses thoughtfully. “I did provoke Chief Jones to get your attention. However, I never expected Theia to make you my partner. Other than withholding I was Order, I did not lie to you. I assure you, I have not been lying to you since then.”
The thing they don’t tell you about getting everything you want is that right when you do, that’s when you realize you don’t deserve it. “Why didn’t you tell me? It’s been months. I thought you trusted me.”
“I do trust you,” she replies quickly. “I—I wanted to earn your friendship and trust, free of suspicion or guilt or obligation. Once I did, it turns out I am a coward who could not bear the thought of losing you, or your friendship, over my omission.”
“You should have told me sooner,” I say, finally understanding theI’m not mad, I’m disappointedphrase my mother used to trot out. “You should have let me decide how I felt about it. After what we’ve been through together, do you really think so little of me?”
“On the contrary, you know how very much I think of you. But I also understand what you have lost. I gave you no choice, and I know how fiercely you defend your autonomy. I never intended to betray your trust, I wanted to give you a chance.” She looks down. “I know I can never be forgiven for placing this burden on you, for robbing you of your choices. But…to protect you, to keep you safe? I would do it again without hesitation.”
I want to believe her. I want to, and I do. But the baggage, the weight, the burden? It’s like some twisted form of survivor’s guilt. Not to mention how every moment of the past months must be reexamined, altered, shifted. Revisionism on this scale requires way more time than I have.
“I—I need a minute alone.”
Taylor nods, solemn as she walks away. “Yeah, sure.”
Hunter watches after her, then shifts her duffel bag and looks at me. “You’re an asshole.”
I don’t look at her. I watch Taylor as she grips the top of the doorframe to our car, head hung between her outstretched arms. “Excuse me?”
“I said.” Hunter grunts out her words through gritted teeth. “You’re an asshole. Don’t make me repeat myself. It’s dramatic.”
“Thanks for the input.”
